Collapse... Rant II

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Remember this:Rant?Well, after being together for a year and a half, I came home from school a month back to find she had emptied everything out of the apartment and had left Just like way back when, she just picked up and went. Now, I am looking back and trying to see where it went wrong.We started having problems around December when I found out she had spent herself $400 into the hole with her checking account by buying her friends dinner every night. Worse, she kept buying even when she knew she was under. I finally forced her to tell me what was going on when she got the third letter from her bank for the third day in a row. Needless to say, I was pretty upset, afterall, being in a relationship means our actions affected one another. I felt it was pretty cold of her to do what she did and not even want to tell me. And, of course, it was her turn to pay rent, and she had no plan to tell me. I think she was going to write out the check and hope I never noticed... but that would have hurt my credit! We are on the lease together.So, I lent her some money to cover her checking account and I paid the rent that month (January). This had happened once before in September when she was short for rent money and was going to right out a check then deposit some money afterwards. I did not like that, so I lent her some money then. This time, though, I conditioned my lending - she had to let me hang on to her check book if I was going to lend her the money to dig her out. She did not like the idea, understandably, but there was really no other way to do it; she would have financially ruined both of us.Then, in December still, she lost her job - they accused her of taking money from the register. This made things difficult! She was supposed to slowly pay me back with money from each pay check, but now she had no money coming in! And worse, there were still checks being returned on her account, and she had collection agency dues to pay each month. So, alas, I lent her some more money... These were the beginning of the financial problems.The emotional problems started a little before that. I noticed a text message on her phone one day from a guy telling her how much he loved her. I confronted her with it and she said it was meant for a friend of hers. Then a little while later I got home early from school, and she was pulling up in her car with that same man riding with her. She told me he just needed a ride to visit another friend (who lived two buildings down). I hesitantly believed her. Then a while later, I come home from school early and he is standing in the living room and she is in the bathroom brushing her hair. I just walk by, upset. He starts talking "we were just talking... " blah blah. Then he leaves. She comes to me and says nothing is going on, and that he is just stopping by before he visits that other friend, who she claims he is into and that they are sort of dating.Then New Years happens. She tells me she is going to go out to say good bye to a friend who is going off overseas and that she will be back before the night so we can celebrate. Well, she does not return, and I have no way to get a hold of her. Needless to say, I was panicking like nuts. I hardly got any sleep worrying where she was and why she left me... So I take her cellphone with me to work (she left it behind) so that I can call her on my break if she is back home by then. She was back home, and I did call her. We tried to talk about it, but she always got upset, accused me of just wanting to make her feel bad about it. She always wanted to just forget such things happened.(Notice, that like with her cousins, all bad things happen when she is out with her friends: spending too much money, never coming home... I always felt she had a thing for falling into the wrong crowds and then being led by them to do whatever they said.)About a month after that she went up to her parents, and I admit that I could not resist but looking at her phone - she was just keeping way too many secrets, and I had to know if she was screwing around. Guess what? Found more love messages from that guy. I confronted her, she said they were a mistake again. Then we had a period of just being cold-shoulder to eachother. Then I came home one day and she was completely gone.When she came over that night to talk to me, she tried to tell me what had happened. From all the sounds of it, it appeared her friends had driven her from me. They introduced her to this new guy, and always used her to buy lunch, so when they found out I had put a stop to that, they likely started trying to find ways to get her away from me so they could keep using her. Anyway, she told me that it was all my fault because I was angry, mean, controlling, introverted. For a while I believed her, until a mutual friend told me that she was now dating... guess who? Yup, that same other guy. Now I am positive she was indeed cheating on me the whole time; that my questioning of her was completely warranted; that she could not hide it anymore and so she left... with the convincing of her friends, of course (who by the way, are all losers who have no educations, dead-end jobs, kids they cannot support, etc.).Anyway, it is now two months later, she still owes me over $2000, and will not talk to me at all. I do not want to be with her, though I admit I am still lonely, and feel completely wronged - the night before she left I asked her if anything was wrong and she told me plain as day that nothing was, just lied to my face about it. I am trying to date, but I hate waiting... I just feel crappy some days... really really crappy.I don't know... what can be said of this? Where did it go wrong? What can be learned?LQ

I think you are well out of the relationship. Partners who have no money sense are a serious problem. You are extremely unlikely ever to get your $2000 back - write it down to experience.

There is probably a lot that can be learned. One thing is not to allow infatuation to make you reckless and blind.

Well... I do plan to sue for the money. The evidence is on my side. I just thought that if perhaps I could change her a little to make her more responsible it would all work out... but I think she got overwhelmed and had to run away from all the responsibilities of a serious relationship LQ

You can sue for the money (which costs more money), but that doesn't mean you will get it back. There's little way to get money from people who have no assets and no job, even with a court order. She will probably just declare bankruptcy. You may end up much more out of pocket.You can't change people's personality like that.

Originally Posted By: LittleQWell... I do plan to sue for the money. The evidence is on my side. I just thought that if perhaps I could change her a little to make her more responsible it would all work out... but I think she got overwhelmed and had to run away from all the responsibilities of a serious relationship LQ Not that I have much experience in financial issues with woman, but I think a good rule would be if you've been dating the person for a while and they say lose their job and need a little help between the next one, something that has valid reasoning, then sure help your partner out. But when it becomes a re-occurring thing or they are mindlessly blowing their money, it's best to just get up and leave.

I didn't remember your earlier rant so I went back to reread it.Really not surprising that you suspected the answer then:  Quote: EDIT: Is she playing me like a well-strung fiddle? Time to pack this relationship up and be glad that you got out as cheaply as you did. I, like the others, feel that you'll probably be throwing good money after bad to try to get anything from this girl. The accusation of taking money from her employer fits and, in hindsight, may have very well been true.Experience can sometimes be expensive. Hopefully you got something out of this relationship during the year and a half you were in it.

I think I should be a little more clear about one thing: I have no intention of trying to make this relationship work again. She is someone else's problem now :wink:

I am just trying to figure out what I should learn from all of this.

LQ

Originally Posted By: LittleQ

I think I should be a little more clear about one thing: I have no intention of trying to make this relationship work again. She is someone else's problem now :wink:

I am just trying to figure out what I should learn from all of this.

LQ

Go back and read your entire rant thread. Read every ones replies. Read your replies. Think about that. Learn from that.

What you should be learning from this, a year and a half later is...(this could have been learned within a couple of months if you just took the advice you were given which was to date chicks to see what the fucks sup) don't be settled with temporary satisfaction. Meet a girl, 1 red flag, fuck her n chuck her, or just chuck her. Straight up. lol. When you meet a girl that will completely satisfy you, you will know it then when you find out she doesn't change the toilet paper roll and that's quirk of yours and she cant accept/cant learn/wont adapt to putting a new toilet paper roll in the dispenser... You now know she is pretty probably stubborn or just she doesn't accept change well. What happens when you're living together? and even though you may like a million things about her... this would be a pretty good red flag. Do you like a stubborn chicky or what?(obviously this is a hypothetical scenario and in order for you to find out this quirk before moving in with her you'd need to go into her washroom after she rips one on a coincidental time where the TP was low and she used it all but never topped it up or you could bait it out at your house with a low roll of TP but she may swap the new TP in just 'cause it isn't her house or partially her house and if that were the case you'd need the highly unlikely coincidental mis-hap of a low roll and her simultaneously using it while you're in the house to find out if she doesn't top it up... ideally you could just fuckin' use something else to ground if she is stubborn or not, haahahaha) What you also should have learned is... After 2 weeks you don't know shit. Sounds like not even a year in she was already fucking around with someone. Did you know her then? What about at a year and a half? You didn't know her well enough to know she was just going to fuckin' bounce. I'm not a doctor or anything but to me it sounds like you're trying satisfy yourself anyway you can and are not thinking entirely about it and the consequences.

Holy I'm stoned, that would be why so much thought went into TP there, I guess. lol

Edit: Of course it makes sense to me right now when I'm all stoned but tomorrow I am going to learn something too, brother... I'll learn whether or not I should give a lending hand in the brain department when I am stoned. :smile: