I dunno.. I never really feel "happy" anymore. I mean I don't have some great seething pain "OH MY GOD I WANT TO DIE" but, I really find myself questioning things and finding no good answers.Why get up in the morning.. to go to school.. just so I can do it the next day. and then again the day after that. Then once i'm out of school its going to be work and college. Nother day.. time for work.. nother day time for college.I have considered even joining the army with the thought "heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes but, none stop to mourn a simple beggar" The main thing holding me back is I am afraid I will get in htere.. and then get tired of it and want out or that I might actually just not be able to handle it not so much the killing but, more the training and monotomy of it all. Physically I'm no prize.. mentally.. I'm unmotivated.So I dunno.. it all really just seems so pointless. If I live oh great another day to play a few games and waste my life and another day crossed off the map till death.And like I said its not some great depression..in the sense I'm low. It just feels like nothing is that exciting anymore. I really dont think I should feel like this.. graduation is 17 days away (less really) and I'm only 18.I dunno.. even with girls my parents have always been "you don't need anyone right now wait till college"..never stopped me from dating.. just strongly disagreed with it but, using that logic more is on the line in college then in highschool... so then.. i really don't need distractions.. and then in life.. gunna be too busy payin bills.I dunno I would like a change.. I wanna get out have fun.. but,well nothings really fun.. and even when it is.. well I really don't feel compelled to do it.. I mean school week is monday threw friday.. I work friday saturday and sunday nights..I can blame the lack of opportunity.. but, in honesty even if I had it I'd just be at home on the comp.
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When is it really offically depression?
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Have you tried doing something you never thought you'd want to do, or would do before? Just for you, with out involving your parents or friends from school, just getting out and doing something random and fun (legal of course). The day to day life is mundane and stupid, and boring but we all have to find our little things that make it go by a little bit better and little bit easier. About...gosh...3 years ago, I was about 250lbs and I hated everything except my dog I think lol. I found things that made me happy (I'm leaving my Buddhism out of this). It's kind of what life is all about, taking the dull day to day and making it once in a life time. If you make every day once in a life time, then you'll have a hell of a life, won't you? And Ay' there is the rub. Why should you be motivated to do anything right? The day I woke up and made my life worth it was like every other day, but something just snapped inside me and I just started doing it. Every time I made a "Plan" or a "Committed decision" to get out of my funk, it NEVER stuck. You have to either stick to it, and WANT it, or you have to wait for it to happen on its own.(that whole post probably made no sense, Sorry)
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Hmm. Thats kinda how I was with working out.. out of no where I realised I hated being big.. I got down to a size 32 pants.. dropped weight.. felt proud.. cause of work/school I haven't worked out in so long.. I don't ever feel like doing it anymore..When I worked out it helped for a little while.. eventually I sank back to square one.We really don't have much to do around my house... all the bowling allies/movie theaters/whatever. but, in truth even when I'm doing something relatively new.. it doesn't take long fo rit to become mundane.I like drinkin.. love drinkin.. but, well usually when I do its with my parents because they keep all the alchohal outside and my dad is such a depressing drunk its unreal.. the kind who plays ancient cds and talks about how they are timeless...I can't stand the whole "I AM DEPRESSED BUT, I"M GOING TO BE A MODIVATIONAL SPEAKER AND TALK ABOUT HOW THESE (long string of cursing here) CD'S ARE TIMELESS AND STICK WITH YOU IN LIFE" last time we were drunk he said he would get me acopy of that cd.. I swear to god i will use it for target practice.All my music is on some level depressing.. but, it its music thats face paced... when I get drunk I just wanna act stupid and listen to crazy music and laugh at stuff no sane person would thinkis fnny.So. yeah.. drink alone from now on >.< but, other then that.. its all meh.
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I would cut the drinking all together, try to get drunk off of life instead. And keep doing new things! Just because it comes mundane, DO SOMETHING ELSE! :P I promise you, you will NEVER run out of new things to do. The only constant will turn out being your drunk ass self and hating it all, It's very easy for me to sit here and say "Just stop it already!" But it isn't that easy is it? Drinking never fixes anything...short term, maybe, but never in the long term. It will do so much more harm then good. I think you said you were 18 in another thread, if you don't have a job yet, get one and move out. Start living your life how you want to, and get your dad out of your head. His drunkeness can't be helping this at all...
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Ummm, could your depression be why you cannot seem to focus in school? (From your post in the ADD/ADHD forum)
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Nny could it be low self-esteem perhaps?
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Depression and alcohol together are never a good thing. Never. One feeds in to the other. Stop the drinking.I think the fact that you posted this (and good on you for doing so!) indicates a healthy striving on your part. You sound like you're sick of your life and you want a better one. That's how a better one starts. That's step one. And step two is actually taking a step...toward anything. A lot of times the first cure for depression doesn't lie so much in what you do, but in the act of doing something...anything. As someone else suggested, find something positive you enjoy and pursue it. Obsess over it even. You talk about the mundane thing in your life, and I think a lot of us can identify with being in that kind of rut. Find something outside of your current "life" that will make it less mundane.Several years ago I was stuck in my own rut. Hated my job and my life and saw no way out of it. It was so bad that I was inadvertently sabataging anything that might take me to a better life. Finally, at long last, I got to the point where the fear of my life never changing became greater than the fear of doing what it takes to make the life I wanted. It was worth it. IT was revolutionary. It was my finest hour, dammit!You can do this. Keep posting and let us help.
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What great advice, damien. I need to take it myself.
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Hmm I quit drinking.. Now I just want to get out the house. I am dying to do something new and different.. I go back and forth on the issue of "why bother" to "HEY I WANNA DO THAT".Granted now I have a girlfriend with agoraphobia. So I am trying to help her but, well agoraphobia is difficult to help with on so many diff levels.As to the doing poorly in school.. Could very well be. The only reason I was in school was because my parents forced me to go. I constantly pondered over and over again "why am I doing this.. its pointless" not so much becuase I didn't understand. But, because in cases where I did understand.. no one else did.. so we spent hours days and weeks on pointless topics.. and then 5 seconds on ones I didn't. Throw in the fact that the ciriculum is useless in real world application and in many cases boring. It probably has a negative impact on my state of mind. And my state of mind probably had a negative impact on it.Granted this is an off and on condition rather then one constant one I guess. Then again.. I guess its in my nature to constantly be in pursuit of some sort of reason. we all have our stories to tell and our reasons to wonder why. Maybe I'm jsut over dramatic.
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As I have my own problems, I may not be the best advisor BUT:Doing something you'd never think you could is definitely a big plus. I began the bagpipes. Then I got a dog. Each comes with its own anxieties, but the benefits are there. What would you like to do? Play an instrument, fly aeroplanes, travel? What?Anyway, you are not depressed, you are just at maximum cynicism. You are absolutely correct in what you see. Most people mentally check out of this. Why do you think America has so many sports teams? Why do you think alcoholism is such a problem with middle class youth? People need to "check out" of modern monotony.I was exactly where you were, mired in this cynicism. Now that you've tasted it, you'll never be rid. It is both a curse and a gift. Your perception is at a deeper level at the expense of superficial enjoyment. I am finishing up junior year and am looking at colleges and jobs. If you really look, the American economy is dying. In my family, anyone who isn't retired or in civil service (teachers, firefighters, and other people on the government payroll) are in fear of losing their jobs to outsourcing. It is really depressing when you see the end of America's golden age that the WWII generation made for us. Now I feel called to the Jesuit priesthood. The thought of being a simple cleric leading a simpler life cannot be overcome by any dreams of wealth, pleasure etc.Depression can begin rationally, but eventually spirals into irrationality. Your cynicism is just the rational intellect working in high gear. Intellectually you say you are unmotivated, but gears are turning in your brain which are a rare gift among the sheeple...I mean people these days.