I don't want this to be one of those boring old forum posts but I guess it's unavoidable in this case, so here we go...
I've ben depressed now for quite a few years, I honestly can't remember when I got depressed. Probably around five to six years ago and maybe that isn't such a long period of time but I'm just a dumb 17 year old kid so it almost makes up a third of my entire life. Anyway, as I said, I've been depressed for some time now up until the point where it's more a part of me than some difficult faze. It disturbs me while at the same time it really doesn't. I may feel this way because through out this small speck in time I was mostly sad and lonely, and now I'm just empty, drained of emotions. I get irritated and angry quite easily but anything other than that are just the clothes I wear for any kind of social occasion. When I actually feel something other than irritation or anger, it doesn't matter what emotion it is, afterwards it brings me such joy to have felt happy again, or to have cried my eyes dry. What I celebrate the most are probably my sad episodes though as I know I really am sad, unlike the cases when I'm happy, I really can't tell if I am happy or if it's part of my daily outfit anymore.
When it comes to the urge to take my life, it is probably completely gone. I don't think of suicide anymore If I don't intentionally do so. I think of death, but I'm not afraid of death as I don't find death as haunting or ugly as others do. I think to myself that "is really death the horror everyone tells me about.. or is it beautiful and calming?" as my dried out feelings would describe it. But that wich comes after though.. is an entirely different thing...
My father plus almost the entierty of my mothers side of the family (wich is quite a big group of people, believe me) are christians, as I am. Being in the chruch have come with it's benefits as we have about five chruches in my small town, so naturally we are quite a big community. But with the church comes beliefs, responsabilities and faith. I find myself struggling to hold on to faiths hand as I feel like everything else tries to drag me away from it. Not too long ago I discovered that I'm gay.. probably. "Coming out" to friends have gone quite well, even to the homophobic one, whom just happens to be a christian, it hurt a bit in the beginning but we got to a solution and are still good friends. But after that I've gotten very scared of how my christian part of the family will react, i mean we are protestantist christians (atleast I think thats what it's called) so many people are very acceptable but still. It's not like it took me just five minutes to accept myself for what I am and I usually am quite honest with myself so what will other people think?
Now the main focus here isn't the fact that I like other guys and I don't really want this whole post to be about that specificly so let's just move on.
I wan't to be happy again but I also don't want to let my current state go. Sometimes, like just a few days ago, I was sitting in the back of my families car with my dad and brother, driving home in the middle of the night passing by the street lights and having hours left of the journey. I have come to really appreciate those moments, just building a wall around myself and sitting there in what others would feel be horrifying darkness and just feel the calmness. But that's when it hits me sometimes, I have become so trapped in the dark that I've gotten stockholm syndrome and just want to stay there. But this darkness is also what tells me about all the things I do wrong.
I create something and feel proud, my mind tells me "pride is what makes you weak, be proud and be oblivious to everything other than yourself". When I'm happy to some extent... "so you can be happy now? I thought you were depressed, you just want attention". Trying to be kind... "ooh, leaving the bigger slice left for someone else are we? to be kind? or to feel good about yourself".
I really need to escape these thoughts but I just can't because I really do believe them. I don't really have anything to live for other than keeping my family happy, but even that seems like a challenge as they don't want me to not care about only other people, they got very mad at me for trying to build my life around caring for others. It became a big fight and that fight really left a scar on me.
And this is the last part I promise..
Earlier I've said that I like sadness, but sometimes I get these sort of attacks, like a combination of sadness and fear. In these episodes my mind just goes empty at first, I seem to just sit there and stare into nothing, then my mind goes dark, really dark. I always end up lying down, I sometimes start to shake and my body trembles down. My mind goes into chaos and everything around me falls into darkness, I feel like my mind is screaming in a voice that would make my ears bleed. I think to the past and to the future, my mind shakes as it shatters and a moment later I'm just there again, just entirely empty, I always feel like I leave with less memories than I had when I entered, my emotions become more and more gray and so does the world around me. Sometimes I find myself loosing connections between days or weeks. My grandmother can speak of the food we ate the day before but to me it was five days ago, or it didn't happen at all...
So help, or just make me happy by making me more sad, it works too. I kind of don't expect anyone to read this mess but maybe some poor person will
(Sorry for my english btw, still learning).