I don't know how much more I can take

Katie Lou

I really think I’m about to have a nervous break down. I don’t know where to begin so I guess I’ll just hold my breath and take the plunge and hopfully it’ll make sense to you guys. I’ve become very depressed because I am constanty fighting with my family because in my house I have no vioce. I love my family to death and I wouldn’t trade them for the world but they don’t allow me space to live and grow. Everyone thinks they need to protect me from anything and everything and that I’m not old enough make up my own mind. I know they think they are trying to help me out but the more they try and shelter me the more they push me away from them. For example, I can’t date anyone nor can I find any new friends because they have it in their heads that who ever I talk to is not good enough for me and they try their best to scare them away and when they do scare them off they throw it in my face saying things like “See, we told you they weren’t good enough. They’re nothing but trash.” When in reality it was them that put such a strain on the potential relationships. They judge any potential dates/friends before they ever even get to know them and no matter how hard I try to tell them to give them a chance they never listen to me. I try to speak and no one even acknowledges what I say, they ignore my opinions and my thoughts and say things like “you’re too young to know what you want.” First of all, I am ninteen years old and yes I do know what I want, but when I try and say something no one bats an eye nor do they care. I know they think they need to protect me from people and different situations because they feel like they’ve failed me because they weren’t there to protect me in the past and couldn’t keep me from seeing and experiencing the things I have. Yes, I was sexually assaulted when I was 15. Yes, my best friend was raped by her step-dad and she was a pregnant teenager at 16. Yes, I witnessed her almost lose her baby and had to be care flighted to the nearest hospital for an emergency c-section because her baby was coming two months before she should have. Yes, I was there when that same bestfriend had to travel to a hospital an hour and a half away just so she could look at her baby through a glass window and cry her heart out because she wasn’t able to hold her baby. Yes, I was there when that same friend had a break down and tried to kill herself and was placed in a mental hospital because she was a danger to herself. Yes, I witnessed my ex boyfriend being hand cuffed because he was being charged with child molestation. Yes, I was there when he went to jail and I was there by his side when he was released and put under house arrest and I was there when all charges where dropped. Yes, I was there when a friend came to me and told me she was pregnant and that she was scared to death to tell her family; I held her in my arms all night and let her know I would be there no matter what they said. Yes, I’ve witnessed what a couple of beers and few joints can do to someone. I’ve seen many many things in my short life on this earth and yet everyone thinks they should blame themselves for it all because they couldn’t keep me from going through any of it. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t change whats happened in my life for anything. It has made me so much stronger and I’m glade I went through it because it means I can help one else who went through simular situations, but they don’t see that. They think I was cheated out of something but I don’t, I was given an opportunity to either live and grow from them or just sit back an weep over things I had no control over. I chose to grow and live and hold my chin high, but they keep pushing me down. They make me feel like I should feel ashamed for wanting to be able to make my own choices, like I should feel ashamed of wanting to get out and start my own life. I really feel like I’m being emotionally and mentally abused by my family, there is nothing I can do about it. I’m afraid I’m going to be pushed over the edge soon if something doesn’t change but I can’t just leave. I can’t burn any bridges because they’re a whole helluva lot harder to rebuild. I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense to you but I just had to get a little bit of my problems off my chest before I go crazy. I just don’t know what to do anymore, and I’m very scared that I’m going to end up hurting myself before things get better. I just don’t know anymore…

ajmakoko

That's horrible. I sometimes feel that way about my family, too. Can you move away from your family? Like in a different city or state? As for guy problems, you could just carry around pepper spray, which could help a little bit. I really can't offer very much advice, but I thought I'd try!

SteveA

I can’t just leave. I can’t burn any bridges because they’re a whole helluva lot harder to rebuild.The obvious question is, at 19, why can't you live on your own, or with roomates? People grow up and leave home all the time. It doesn't mean that they become estranged from their family.

AngelWitch

Sis i agree with you, what you have been through has made you a better stronger person, and maybe that your parents think they should have protected you from all this, and are over compensating. I think maybe it is time to make a move, and find somewhere of your own..........i felt like you did, and things reached a point where looing back if i hadn't have left when i had, things might have gone bad to worse.You are a wonderful person sis, and you have so much to be SO proud of in yourself, and tho this may be hard for you, as a mum i would say that your parents are probably doing the over protection bit cos they love you so much.............which i am sure you know. Taking a step away from them, can and often does make people appreciate eachother more........and maybe this is just showing you its your time to do it. If you need to talk, im here for you, even if i don't have anything constructive to say LOLYou are strong enough to get through this, and come out the other side stronger, and more appreciated by your friends and family, you have a heart of gold hon, big big hugs

bigmanoncampus

tell them that whether they like it or not you are going to live your own life and not the life that they want. move away if possible and after a couple months you can patch it up and rubbing it BACK in their face when you have 10 guys chasing after you.

Katie Lou

Well I should hopefully be taking over payments on a car either by the end of this month or sometime next month. As soon as I do I'm going to contact a good friend of mine and see if I could stay a few days with her until I can get a place of my own. I had yet another blow up with my family before I went to work today and that was the last straw. I've got to get out and get out as soon as I can before I do something crazy. Thanks for all your support guys, I'll keep you updated.