Gay Married.... How to keep wife satisfied?

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Originally Posted By: Ineligible

I think you misunderstand, Virtual_Star. Jase is asking about gay men who nevertheless marry women (for whom they have no sexual attraction). This actually happens a lot.
Yeah, thanks Ineligible. At first, I had a hard time reading his post because it wasn't grammatically readable. But he edited his post three times and I finally got it.

Originally Posted By: flyer_f

I diagree with most of the other posters. If you want a hustband/wife/kids family, then you should get to have it, regardless of being gay.
But the problem I see is he's going to mislead some poor woman into marriage just because he wants a family. I think it's great he wants kids, but to deceive someone to get it? To be frank, that's pretty fucked up. He should let her know what his intentions are, but I don't know how that's going to work, if at all.

I don't know about everyone else, but my definition of marriage is two people, regardless of gender, declairing their love for each other and their committment to go through life together as a whole. I can't imagine the pain when someone turns around and says, "I didn't marry you because I love you".

His decision is based on his religion. I got a lot to say about that, but I'll keep my mouth shut for once. And I don't feel comfortable giving advice on how to have sex with someone whom you have no feelings for.

I'm with kmrobins. I believe half of sex is in your head. If something is troubling your mind, it's defintely going to affect one's sex life.

what i mean is, phsyical stimulation is physical stimulation. and its not flattering to a woman to marry her under false pretense.

Originally Posted By: kmrobinsOtherwise it's as Java Addict said, physical stimulation is physical stimulation. Although I have personally believe that sex is mentally affected far more than physically. I agree with that. How do married gay guys work on their mental/emotional state to be able to make the marriage successful?I would like to work on the marriage as hard as I possibly can to make it work.

Originally Posted By: flyer_f

Teach her how to rub it for you... then just close your eyes and fantasize.

I diagree with most of the other posters. If you want a hustband/wife/kids family, then you should get to have it, regardless of being gay.

Being married isn't a statement of your sexuality. It's a statement about your desire to be part of a husband/wife team. Each of you has the other's back. You are committed, together, forever, as a 2-person team. Of course, the two of you can make your own rules about open relationships, gay sex, and what-not. But you are still a TEAM.

If that's what you want, then you should go for it. Understand, though, that it will probably be a rough life for HER, since she'll always know you aren't turned on by her specifically.

Thanks, Flyer... I was hoping all would understand the situation like you did. I think that it will be an even rougher life for me than for her, because it will be I who will be trying to make it work. But the alternative, not getting married, and continuing to have no one to call "my family" for the rest of my life is even scarier. Most everyone I know is too busy with their own lives and families.

And trust me, there will be no gay sex in this marriage. If I got into that, I would have done it BEFORE marriage; I have been single and free for as I far back as I can remember, yet have never done it.

"Coming out" also at a later date is not in the cards, so there's no need to worry about kids getting traumatized over that.

My question is how to have those kids!!!

it doesnt seem fair to you =/But don't worry, you'll be able to get it up when the time comes. Or you can consider invitro

Just because you want something doesnt mean you shoudl get to have it, thats total bullshit, I want a new truck, and a new house, why dont I get that?Your right to be happy is lost when it negatively impacts someone elses life. You dont get to have something just because you want it.If it were an open marriage that the wife was aware your gay and wants to marry you anyways, then fine, but to lie to a person and have kids with them and all the time they think you love them and are attracted to them the full time knowing your not, is fucking disgusting.As to you can only have a family if your straight, that bullshit too.Eddie, where the hell are ya when I need ya? Eddie si gay, lives with his lover, and thinks of him as his family. Roc went the other way, got married, couldnt deal with the lie, found his gay lover and thinks of him as family.Family is a state of mind, not a definite fucking rule made by some asshole in the senate.I have a sister from someone elses family, and now I have step kids, I dont feel any less like they are my family than the ones I have through blood relationships. Its a rough shitty road to be gay and living in this world, its even rougher to live a lie for your entire life.While Im happy as shit for people that make it all work, Im resistantly and lividly opposed to someone FUCKING OVER another person just so they can live a sham life and be "happy"and Ill tell you straight up, being miserable with who yor with because you dont love them and just wanted that family, is a horrid existence. Theres no fun in it, no compassion and no passion. As someone who was married with kids to a complete twat that he couldnt stand and didnt love and only married because of a pregnancy Im speaking from experience.Im with someone now that I love, that loves me and that Im happy to see each day when I wake up, overjoyed to come home to and wish I could spend more time with. The difference is outstanding, Id never go back to being with someone I didnt care about not for any price.

Its not fair to him, but if he chooses that then he deserves it, who its really unfair to is the future wife and kids.

Just as point of curiosity, how does your religion look on living a lie?When you get married (assuming it's an option in your part of the world, not something punishable by law) you should consider telling your lady what you are. That way she at least knows what she's getting into and that way there are no lies between you. I say this for more than just a moral reason. If she knows your desires and marries you anyway, her expectations can evolve to meet what will be the reality of being married to a gay man. Further, the honesty and open communication will alleviate some guilt for you and should make it easier for sexual arousal on your part.By being honest with her, I think you will find, sexual performance much less stressful and therefore more successful. This doesn't mean your sexual life won't be without it's stresses but I would think it will lay at ease a lot of the problems that will rise out of lying to your wife about who you are. Like Java or whoever it was said, generally a penis can become erect with enough physical stimulation. I doubt that will be a problem. I'm just suggesting that openness about who you are may make it easier to achieve an erection and maintain it through to orgasm.If you believe homosexuality is a sin, than there should be no sin in telling your mate that you have these feeling and are doing what you can to deal with them. That way she can support you and understand what it is your going through. You can approach your "problem" as a couple and work on it and pray about it together. Maybe you could use it as building block of your relationship that brings you two closer together rather than something that exists between you driving you apart. Lying about who you are is the surest path to misery.I hope you find some kind of happiness in life.

I think you need to personally WAIT before you get married and drag another person down with you, not to mention any possibly kids in the future.I'm a religious person, and I made piece with god about my sexuality. He wants me to be happy and to live and full life of love. He would not want me lying and deceiving another one of his children into a false marriage. I know inside my heart I am not going to hell when I die. Again I have made piece with God, that’s all that matters to me. You need to have more respect for yourself not to mention for his poor lady you could marry. It's not fair to yourself to deny WHO YOU ARE, and not to mention its not fair to the woman to put her in a situation where she is going to get hurt.

As they say (don't ask me who they are); Be true to yourself.

Originally Posted By: Jase Need own "family". Gays are equally capable of having "family" as heterosexuals. there are options available such as surrogate motherhood and adoption among others which are a perfectly acceptable way of conceiving children in a homosexual relationship. Also, building a family takes time to develop, homo or hetero. wouldn't you rather spend that time with someone youre attracted to?

I'm scared.

There are thousands of gay men who have been there before. Keep talking and trying to work through things. Whatever you may do in the end don't try to go through it alone.You can look for support from this place and other on the net or maybe even in your community, depending on where you live of course.

The best way you can keep this woman ‘satisfied’ is by NOT marrying her. I cannot, for one moment, think of a SINGLE MORE DESPICABLE THING you could do to her than the thing you are already planning. You are single-mindedly prepared to steal this woman’s life for your own selfish ends. How would you feel, as a gay man, living in a free and liberal society, organising marriage with a man with whom you were deeply in love and believed to be gay, who married you under the pretext of being homosexual when in fact he was heterosexual and no more wanted to be sexually intimate with you than his own mother???!!!! THIS is what you are subjecting this woman to, and it is the most selfish thing I have read on an internet personal issues forum in a VERY LONG TIME.You need to snap yourself out of your own selfishness, get some respect for women and also some courage of your own, so that you can fall in love with someone of the gender that interests you sexually, and find someone within that sphere whom you can truly love and with whom you can raise a family. You need to stop using women as some sort of veneer of respectability, and wake up to who you are, and have some respect for who they are also.

Agree 100%

Your assuming this person lives in a free and open society. Your assuming that all communities within free and open societies are accepting of a homosexual person. Your assuming this person has the means to pick up and move to a more liberal society.Things don't apply to all people equally in all places. For some it's easy to pick up and go to where they can be true to their self. For others there are mitigating circumstances, be they personal, religious or societal, that limit their ability to be who they are.The woman isn't the only victim here.

Originally Posted By: OldFolksThe woman isn't the only victim here. Hello OldFolks; it is nice to speak to you again! It is 3.30 in Ireland, so I will leave dissecting the other aspects of your post till another day; but for the moment I would just like to point out that I neither assumed this person lived in a free nor open society (but rather asked how he would deal with this situation in reverse IF he did) - and also, I would like people reading this thread to consider that, although, as you say: "The woman isn't the only victim here" - Actually, the woman IS the only person unaware of the situation being debated here which would (most certainly adversely) affect her for the rest of her life; so as far as victimisation goes, I really don't think the OP has a monopoly on that.The way this world is currently structured, it is FAR more likely to be the homosexual person who finds themselves bowing to the pressure to enter into a conventional i.e. ‘heterosexual’ marriage. Only the most unfair-minded person could perceive this as a problem affecting a single group. This is a problem that affects people across the spectrum of human social and romantic involvement, and it happens because people bow to societal pressures – in effect, people abuse eachother because society has threatened to abuse them, and so, rather than face up to the threat of that pressure, they take what they presume to be the easier road: they decide to abuse eachother and themselves. _____________________________________________________________THAT is the reason people make the choice you are currently considering OP; because they have been scapegoated so badly they are afraid to take the tough road, and take the necessary stand against the bullying by saying: ‘Actually no; I am a gay man – I haven’t the slightest intention of marrying a woman – why in God’s name would I marry a woman? – I am a man, and I am gay!’Also, and please let us not forget about this; though in these PC times it may (unfortunately ) seem to some an inconsequential matter; but there is actually a heterosexual woman here – a real person, with real feelings – who also deserves to be considered. She is a person without a voice and without a choice and her love rests on the presumption of an honorable objective which does not exist. Society has unfairly abused you OP – that does not give you the right to abuse her.

Yes, the real victim is the woman who after X years of marriage (probably an unhappy one) will be faced with a shock when her "gay" husband decides to come out of the closet and finds herself with many many wasted years which she can never get back.

Originally Posted By: sdpYes, the real victim is the woman who after X years of marriage (probably an unhappy one) will be faced with a shock when her "gay" husband decides to come out of the closet and finds herself with many many wasted years which she can never get back. I couldnt agree more sdp. Just thinking about how much I love my man, I cannot even imagine how much it would tear my heart to pieces to know that he had never loved me in the way that I had always believed. The needless emotional hell some women are put through in this way makes me ill and angry, to be honest.

It's good to see you back. I didn't recognize who you were till I read the community forum.
\>\>\>"...take the necessary stand against the bullying by saying: 'Actually no; I am a gay man -- I haven't the slightest intention of marrying a woman -- why in God's name would I marry a woman? -- I am a man, and I am gay!'"
That's a beautiful sentiment.
There are many gay men throughout history that have taken that stand and there are nearly as many that have been shunned by their respective societies, some who have been imprisoned and even some who have been put to death by the state. And it's still happening in less developed and more intolerantly religious parts of the world.
How he would deal with this _if he did_ live in free and open society is of no matter, if he doesn't. He must deal with the reality he finds himself in and no amount of dreaming or saying "what if" will change any of that. I don't reserve that statement just for his place in society but it also applies for trying to be "straight."
Now he may live in San Fransisco for all we know. I certainly don't have clue and he is unwilling to tell... apparently out of fear of being found out. I'm just going to assume he's in Saudi Arabia and will face death if he came out and said, "I'm gay."
As far as Jase having a monopoly on victimization, I never said that. I just said the woman isn't the _only_ victim. Just keep in mind that maybe he doesn't want to live this way and for whatever reason, that's beyond our understanding, he's forced to. It's a possibility. So, before we fall like a ton of bricks on him we should just consider it. That may not be the case but I, for one, don't know that.
I agree with you that what he's doing is wrong and personally I think he should just live a single sexless life rather than drag someone else into his miseries but I'm not him and I don't know him or enough about his situation to be sure that is an option. I don't know why it wouldn't be, but I don't know.
It's 11:36 here and I'm at work and sleepy too. :sleeping: