Hello.. I'm Fat. Please Feel Free To Laugh At Me. It's incredible. I'll hit a tiny second in time where I actually begin to feel somewhat good about myself then something will pop in and remind me exactly why I didn't feel so good to begin with.It's actually funny how this particular time came about. I came across something in another DD about porn. Basically, somebody had send a porn link to some group and this other person clicked into it and started following links, coming to one of those "big girl" porn pages. Her reaction was one of what seemed to be mild revulsion..I'm still amazed at how people react. I'm not judging that person, but it's simply another reminder to me how completely ugly and unattractive the majority of the population find people like me.. Actually, had it just been that I doubt I'd have even dedicated an entry to it.. Then I flipped down to leave a comment and saw the others.. "Hilarious." "Oh, you posted the big girls' link? Hilarious."It amazed me a little. People that are overweight are the ONLY group left in the US that it's actually "PC" to make fun of. We look down on people who make racial jokes, religious jokes and even homophobia is becoming less acceptable.. But toss a fat chick into the mix, and she's instantly a joke. A walking punchline.."What happened when the fat chick sat on the rainbow? Skittles popped out.""How do you make a fat girl run? Throw a cheeseburger, cookie or other high fat high calorie food.""How do you screw a fat girl? Find a fold."Nobody takes the time to consider who the other person is. We're looked upon as lazy, stupid, slow, clumsy. Not all of us, not even a MAJORITY of us, are like that. People think that those that are overweight are so because they either CHOOSE to be or simply won't work to correct themselves..Nobody seems to consider the how or what that got us there. Many people simply are genetically inclined to gain weight.. Those of Slavic descent for instance. There's a tendency to putting on weight out of locational necessity.. Then there are those of us who gained it for a reason in our childhood. A "wall" if you will. It's easier to be fat and not noticed then thin and terribly noticeable..Lets go back to when I was younger.. As a child I was never terribly overweight. I was down right skinny. I was a tom boy. I ate a ton and lost every bit. It was easy. Probably I would have stayed that way for the rest of my life. My Mother is thin. My Father is thing. Both my brothers are thin, well built young men.. The difference between all of them and me was a particularly nasty stepfather who reserved most of his attention, criticism and "otherwise," for me... My Mother also.. Her favourite thing to call me when she was angry with me was "fat slut."The first time I ever even THOUGHT of my weight was when I was self medicating, at all of nine years old and in the fourth grade, with a bag of Chips Ahoy. My stepfather looked at me and snorted and let me know that, in no uncertain terms, if I kept eating like that I'd turn into a "fat pig that nobody would ever want to f**k." Nice words.. Especially considering that was his favourite past time.. Well, his first favourite anyway, the rape not the insults..I took that to heart and boy did I start to work on gaining as much as I could as FAST as I could. It didn't come on to quick, and there were others who helped me along the way to wanting to be the ugliest I could be. Ugly was safe.My Mother who kept teasing and tormenting me.. The boys in the fifth grade who thought it was funny to grab the new breasts I'd developed.The girls who thought it was great fun to tease me about stuffing my bra and ask to "see them" when I denied this.Then there was my stepfather who kept coming despite every ounce, pound, tens of pounds I gained.I look at myself through middle school and my freshmen year in high school and realize that I was maybe ten-thirty pounds over weight over the years.. I wasn't fat.. But damned if I didn't think I was the biggest cow out there..Then, during my Junior year of high school and after we'd already been moved to Florida with my Father, I had a car accident. I broke my left elbow and, my right leg had an open fracture of my tibia and fibula that required a stainless steel rod and two screw to correct. A tree branch impaled itself in y right knee. I had a laceration at my hair line at my forehead. I had massive nerve damage to my right cheek. So bad that I couldn't even feel anything but pins and needles when I poked at it for the LONGEST time. My body went through a HUGE change.. I'd been steadily gaining since the fourth grade, but not in any sort of huge amounts.. Not yet.. Though I did have enough torso weight extra to effectively save my life. A thinner girl would have died.I spent a week in the hospital before coming home. After spending over three months unable to move myself.. With my left elbow broken using crutches weren't an option. I was wheelchair bound and couldn't go to school. It wasn't handicapped accessible. I had a home tutor.. For several months after that I still wasn't able to move very freely. My left knee would give out sometimes, and I couldn't catch myself with my right leg obviously. My mobility remained limited even after the crutches went away. My right knee would hurt when there was to much weight on it and just give out for no reason quite often..I was depressed. I felt awful. I felt weak and helpless and worthless and so stupid to be driving so late.. People teased me at school about hitting a tree, and a particular boy in my science class though it was unbelievably funny to make the flatline noise then fake shock himself "back to life."I felt even worse.. I had to deal with the physical pain, the teasing, the fact that my Mother had decided to move to Florida with my stepfather in hopes of getting the right to see us. I had to deal with classes, a heavy course load, feeling so behind because of all the school I'd missed, being overweight to begin with, being noticed now because everybody knew about my accident in a huge over eight hundred student strong school. That's a lot of jokes to have to hear and a lot of teasing to have to take..Then other stuff started to happen. I'd hit my head hard. Really hard.. Enough damage was done to throw my chemistry off.. Til then I'd only needed light antidepressants.. By the end of my Junior year I was on a heavier course of medication. A Prozac and Welbutrin with breakfast.. Then the same with lunch. then Topomax before bedtime..Depression is a rough thing to deal with. It's hard to feel so sad and not see the reason. You turn to other things.. I stuck with what worked for me. I ate. I ate a lot. I felt guilty about that so I went back to something I'd quit doing. I started cutting because I felt so guilty and numb at the same time.. Then I'd eat some more.I started having nightmares, flashbacks, all these things I'd been cushioned from because my brain just said, "Uh, uh.. Gonna file that away for now." All that stuff was knocked loose. My medications changed.. Prozac can cause weight loss or weight gain, depending on the person.. Guess which I got.. I spiraled more and more down. Felt worse, felt better, felt WAY worse. Wanted to die. TRIED to die. Got baker acted three times during six months. Kept getting worse and worse. My metabolism tanked because I did nothing to try and loose the weight I was now steadily putting on..I hit a point finally where everything actually started to get better.... REALLY better. I got new medication that WORKED. I had to acknowledge my physicality. I HATED the way I looked. I decided to try and change it... I tried Jenny Craig. I tried Weight Watchers. I tried joining a gym. I tried all meat diets. I tried no meat diets. I tried all veggies. I tried fruit only. I tried liquid diets. I tried fasting. I briefly tried to become bulimic.. Unfortunately, I have a hard time making myself throw up.. Well, not unfortunately really..I worked my ASS of to, well, loose my ass. Nothing I did worked. I still try to loose it. I'm hitting a point in my life where I know that if I don't take off this weight I'll never get it off. I hate myself a little less now. I actually am quite fond of me right now. I know that I have lovely eyes and very cute features. I've got a rack some chicks would die for. I've got an amazingly tight ass for being a chubby butt.I've got a guy who doesn't give a rat's ass how big I am. He loves me.. He loves my insides so much that it makes my outsides not only perfectly fine but pretty to him. I turn him on. He WANTS me.. And I want him to want me. He loves me, and I love him.I want to loose weight. I am trying to loose weight. I need to be healthy. I want to be around for a long, long time. I sure as hell don't want to be the butt of jokes.. I've sure been the butt of many jokes since I've got such a big one.. Little fat humour there. Not to funny on the tail of all the rest of that is it?It makes me sad really.. How uncommon my story is.. And considering the number of sexual abuse victims that get into porn I wouldn't be shocked if at least some of the "hilarious" girls on that site share mine..Still think fat is funny? http://www.deardiary.net/show/diary.pl/22480/1078790400
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Something interesting I came across
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I don't think the post is about herself.
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That post is not about myself. I came across it the other day and thought it was interesting.
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There's nothing wrong with not having the perfect body or a "fat" body in my opinion. As long as you're happy with yourself. Nobody should make fun of anyone because they are overweight or assume that they are lazy.
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Well im the opposite. I'm not that skinny but i when i was younger and a mentally weaker person (im fairly strong for my size physically, good frame) i really was depressed about being underweight. These days im not any better im 19 and i still fit into trousers i wore when i was 16!, but im learning to accept myself and i actually find im becoming better looking and my personality has grown a lot too i come off as a confident person, i also dress well and am stylish etc and i find myself in high demand. I actually get 'looks' by girls on my appearance and over the next few weeks i'll probably be happy with myself, i have a feeling.But regardless of size as long as you feel good about yourself and yeh its hard sometimes you'll be fine.
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Well I am fat, and I can identify with that story alot. Its amazing how many people that is true for. There are alot of BBW (Big Beautiful Women) groups out there, and while not everyone is fat for the same reaason- I was with a group of about 15 fat chicks & all of us had been sexually, mentally and/or physically abused in some way. Food is a very common way to ease the pain and/or hide from people. To get overlooked.I have a great guy and am smart, and independent. I feel good about myself most of the time now. I also exercise alot more than the average american- I walk a couple miles at least almost every day b/c I don't have a car. I can also bench-press 180 pounds. However I'm still fat- I will most likely always be fat b/c obesity runs on both sides of my family. And alot of times I still feel ashamed to eat in public. Sometimes I don't eat till like 1-2pm in the day, and I'm out riding the bus someplace and am starving. But if I'm eating something I always get these looks like I shouldn't be eating. I wish I could be more like my boyfriend- oblivious to others opinions lol.But the author is right- the last pc thing to make fun of is fat people. Not that it really hurts me to hear fat jokes- its more of peoples overall attitude. I'm definitly not a lazy bum- if anything I'm close to the opposite, yet alot of times its assumed that I must be.I'm not sure why I'm rambling on. I suppose I'm trying to make some sort of point- but its 1am and the end of a loooong (but fun) weekend. Anyway, I just hope I'm making sense to those of you who read this.I'm not trying to whine or complain- I usually ignore most people, if they are truely in my face I can take care of myself- most people don't know how strong I am lol. I'm just trying to explain how I can sometimes feel in public. Fat people have to eat to live too, ya know? And though some fit the lazy stereo-type (I know a few), not all people do...