I'm not really bothered by my thinking this may in fact be the case - not anymore at least. I'm all about freedom in life; my favorite song, and always will be, is Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd. I'm 31, but I am a huge classic rock nut. I mean, if you can't be yourself, what is the whole purpose in life, you know?Sorry for referencing music so much, but music has always been my outlet for dealing with difficult times. If any of you know the song "Nutshell" by Alice In Chains --- Layne Staley busts out a bad ass phrase: "If I can't be my own, I'd feel better dead" I fully understand this statement...who wants to put on a mask every day just to make themselves feel better? I've been there due to inherited depression/mood problems I have faced since I was about 18. When your depressed, you know, even if you put that mask on...people see through it anyway. Who want's to deal with their sexuality in the same way? Not me, had enough. If someone doesn't like me, it's their loss, and my gain...don't want them around me anyways if that is how they feel. In addition, if you let society control your thoughts/feelings, you lose, right? Live for today, and not so much for tomorrow...you have too. I'm not being negative here, I'm just saying that it only takes someone running a red light, for example.So on to the real topic at hand. The first sexual encounter I had was with this girl I knew in Junior High....this all seemed exciting, you know. However, for whatever reason, I was not the least bit aroused (no woody, nothing). Maybe I was just nervous, who knows, but I thought it may be important to mention. Not all of my dating resulted in sex for a while, but messed around a little...but again, nothing. WTF. I was certainly attracted to babes, but something seemed awkward. During my senior year in HS, I started dating this girl who would end up being my HS sweatheart, and we were together for just over 2 years. However, again I faced the same type of issues, but we were close enough that she didn't hold it against me or anything.....she thought it was just nervousness or whatever. After about 3 crazy weeks of trying to get it up...presto...things were good from then on out sexually with her, and we fucked like rabbits....I mean, all the damn time. We craved eachother all the time.Sadly enough, since that relationship ended, I have had a couple of relationships -- blow job college girl -- I was cool with that -- first swallow, awesome...but that is all that turned out to be. She had issues with fucking for some reason, but would fool around like anyone else. I think there must have been some kind of emotional scar or something from her past. Next girlfried, same damn problems again. I was on anti-depressants, but the pattern from junior high made me begin to wonder if it was more than that. I managed to jack off just fine --- anti-depressants made it a little more effort, but at least I could get some release.I am extremely attracted to certain women, like a typical guy, and want to jump some bones like we all do when we are in the mood....we are human, and we all get that way. In fact, I have quite a collection of pics from the net like most guys (no offense ladies). I've got a tab open right now www.twisties.com; have a membership. I go to topless bars, etc...I love to watch cum shot porn; dicks, dicks, and more dicks. It took me a while to kind of accept all of this, and that I would like to reciprocate blow jobs with another guy...even anal sex (safely of course). I don't think I'm going to figure this deal out until a guy is at my place and I try it. Maybe I'll tell him no way, or maybe not, don't know. The thing is I love T&A, curvy, you know. I love holding, kissing women. However, hoding/kissing or the thought of some type of relationship past friendship and sex is a major turn off. It makes me cringe.What do I do next? I have no mannerisms that you sometimes see. I'm not a burly harley type or anything, but I'm not interested in having this experience with a guy that has female mannerisms...etc... that's just my thing...no offense to anyone if they differ...everyone has their likes/dislikes.I know that I have to work these issues out for myself, but I need a little guidance.Anything you might be able to say here is fine by me....I'm not easily offended or anything, so let it rip if you so desire.Thanks
I think I'm bi, need advice
Oh, okay...I just wanted to see if anyone out there felt like me; that is, I'm at a loss, and the only way I feel like I can help myself find resolve is just to try being with a guy. And if someone out there has felt this was their only approach, how did they approach finding someone to spend some time with in what I would consider somewhat of a delicate situation. Basically, did they already know a friend that could help them out, or did they just go to a club or something. I have tried to club thing and it made me feel really uncomfortable, and I left. Maybe I owe it to myself to go back and just try a little harder. I don't know....it's not easy you know...I've been a little blind to that part of our culture and don't know my way around I guess. My apologies on that one, guess society does a good job of segregating those who are different from the masses, hitler like I suppose.Thanks for your response and suggestion.
Make a friend (non-romantic)in your area that is already a part of the "gay culture" and let him/ her, whatever, introduce you to this sub-culture. Try www.outin_(your citys name)_.com, get in on the chat let people there no what your going thru. More than likely you will find someone in that forum that will take you under their wing, so to speak. As with everything on the net though be cautious, people are not always what they seem, but I didn't need to tell you that.
If you really think that you are gay or bi learn the culture. Looking for anonymous "hook-ups" whether on the net or in a club, will most likely not yield what you are looking for.
Also forgot to mention that I love exhibitionist dares...risks of getting caught...you know the bit. It seems there are a lot of people on the forum that like it too though.
Something else I forgot to mention, last week, I went to an all male massage parlor type place or whatever (sorry I've never even had a massage). As soon as I was a block away, I was extremely turned on. Just the thought of another guy even touching me gave me a major hard-on. I did not follow through though. However, I spoke with one of the therapists (who turned out to be gay) and explained everything I am trying to explain here. He was a great guy to talk with and didn't mind it at all.
He recommended that I join a forum like this one to help me find a starting point - somewhere where people are anonymous and I'm not afraid to say whatever.
So here I am.
>>>"As soon as I was a block away, I was extremely turned on. Just the thought of another guy even touching me gave me a major hard-on."
Like I said, find a friend first who can be there for you. There are tons of closet cases looking for hook-ups, but it sound like you want more than just a hook-up. I'm not saying your looking for relationship, but there is more to gay/ bi than a discrete few minutes in the alley, which is more than likely all your going to get from those guys.