This could have been posted somewhere else but I want everyone to read it, this is very important to me and I would really like anyone who can help to reply.And I just want to say here and now, "just be there for her" is not the response I want, I tried that but, well I'll explain in the story.A close friend of mine, one of the greatest people I have ever met, nice, kind thoughtful ad emotional, has had a bad time in her family. When she was very young her dad died of an illness. This effected her and her family greatly, she has a younger brother and older brother and sister, and they take care of their grandmother.Her mother became quite sick a while ago and then my friend did also just a few weeks ago. My friend has been getting through it ok but she is missing out on a lot of things because of it, having to quit extra things in school and the like.Well, last Friday her mom had a stroke. She was rushed to hospital and they were able to save her, although the right side of her body was paralysed. My friend was worried sick about her and it was a great strain on them all. Well, on Thursday night her mom had another stroke. The doctors said she would be gone within 24 hours and she was given her last rights (last prayer before death). They are a very religious family and believe and pray to god often. My friend texted me last night asking me to keep her company because it was too much to just sit there waiting. So we had a little conersation and then she sends me a message asking why god was taking away her parents, and that she asked her dad to let them keep her and take care of her. And she asked me if I believed in miracles. Now, I had already told her that I would always be there for her at any time and she knows this, but that just confused me so much. I had no idea what to say, I couldn't say that she was gonna make it and that everything will be ok becase the chances are so low and it wouldn't be fair to give her hope for something that most likely won't happen. But I couldn't say that she should accept it or anything either, cause it seemed like I was telling her to give up.She really is the greatest person I have ever had the pleasure to call a friend and it kills me that I can't help her through this. So basically I'm asking for any sort of help. As far as I know her mum is still alive although I wouldn't be the first to know if she wasn't and of course she wouldn't send people a text as soon as it happened. But she is just so important to me that I have to help her in every way that I can.
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Being a good friend
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Bob, I really feel like I want to say something helpful to you, but I don't know what that would be. I dunno...the thing I keep thinking is to try discern what it is she really wants or needs from you and try to offer that. I know that sounds kind of nebulous. I understand you don't want to hear "be there for her". I actually hate that phrase myself. But really, I think what might be most helpful is just for you to be available to her as much as possible. It might be to listen, to hug her, or maybe to distract her and give her a break from it all. Whatever support looks like for you and her.As far as the "why" questions, I think it is important that you don't take it upon yourself to answer those questions for her. And really, she probably doesn't expect you to. They are typical questions she's asking, and probably healthy ones. I know my response would be to just "give her permission" to ask hard questions and then admit that I don't know either.I don't know if I'm helpful or just rambling, but I appreciate the situation you are in. It is a difficult one, but I believe it is an honor to be in that position for someone. I'm glad she chose you. She's in good hands.
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**Actually hon "just being there for her" is the best thing you can do.................sorry to say it.
Its times like this that she will need you, with her, on the end of the phone etc, she will need to rant, to cry, to get angry with god and the world cos lifes so fucking unfair, you have to sit back and let her get on with it. And for me, honesty is a big thing, there is no point saying it'll be ok, or that you beleive in miracles when you don't............the answer would be, i honestly don't know, to either of those...........
If her mum does live through the stroke, there will be lots and lots of things to figure out, knowing you're there, will be a big help. Its all you can do Bob, you're not god you can't change what happened, you can just be there to pick up the pieces, help when you can, and be a shoulder for her.
*hugs* **
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You received excellent advice from Damien and Angel. You can't just flip a switch and become a god.The problem for people in crisis is that their friends just don't know what to say, so they just stay away. You just need to tell her that you're there for her. That will make a big difference. There's no canned thing you can say beyond that that won't sound contrived. Your presence is what's important.It may sound lame, but it's true.
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Maybe the best thing one can say in such situations is "I don't know what to say".
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Yes, the truth is good. In fact, if someone is going through something terrible, and you tell them that you know what they're going through, when you haven't, it doesn't ring true, and is kind of patronizing.
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I agree with everyone…. The best thing to do is be there for her and comfort her. When people are going thru this type of tragedy, trying to say something could turn out wrong. Just lend an ear and listen to them….A lot can be said just with a great big warm hug.
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It's hard to comment on someone else's situation, but I have had three of my grandparents die from difficult illnesses. The first two were very difficult for me to cope with because I had no experience to draw on but when my Grandma died several years ago I was lucky enough to be able to spend about a week with her in the hospital. The thing that had bothered me the most about the previous two is that there were many things that I wished I had said but never did so when my Grandma was dying I got it all out and told her how much she meant to me and what a positive influence she had been on the person that I am today, it helped me a great deal after she had died that I had let her know what a wonderful person she was and how much I loved her. I don't know your friend or her situation but I do know that if the worse happens and her Mum dies then if she gets the chance to say the important stuff it will be of great comfort to her later on. Not an easy discussion to have with her but if you can do it then i'm sure it will help her a lot with the grieving process.Rigpig.
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Early 2005, my co-worker's son shot himself in the chest while in the living room. To say the least, she was devastated. The department of people I work with are all very close and we were all affected by what happened in some way.I made sure she knew that my shoulder was available to cry on. I also volunteered a lot with the funeral. My co-workers cooked and brought meals to the family while in their time of mourning. Ultimately, only time will heal wounds like these.As for her questions, sometimes the best answer is silence. If she is directly waiting for a response, a simple "I don't know" or even a hug is usually response enough.I see many people either lose their faith or have their faith grow even stronger after incidents like this. A lot of times, counseling is the way.If you want to talk about this more, you can always PM me.
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I agree with everyone hun. Be guided by how she is. One day she may want to talk the next day she might not. She will have so many different emotions and you just being with her when she needs you will enable her to either vent anger, sadness etc and I know you say not to say be there for her but it is true. Even a simple thing like holding her hand provides immense comfort. Words aren't always necessary.Thinking of you