I feel like im running myself into the ground. I just recently got accepted into a local, decent university (FAU) which is highly fortunate considering my 2.4 GPA. The only reason i got in was because i have a high SAT score, and i was offered conditional acceptance, meaning i have to maintain decent grades throughout my senior year to get in. I messed up last semester so it is critical that i do good this last semester of highschool.
My girlfriend recently broke up with me, i can't stand the fact were not together anymore because i invested so much into that relationship. It drives me out of my mind when she hooks up with other people (shes not prude), parties, and the fact that were not really friends anymore, as much as id like to be.
Obviously we will never date again but i can't really deal with that fact...i really liked her.
Over the 4 years of highschool, iv had a nortorius history of skipping, just doing enough to get by, not really putting effort into my work, although i am very smart and was in multiple gifted programs. It's not that i cant do the work, its that i have no drive to do the work, let alone show up to school. I already have 12 absences, out of the 3-4 weeks in the 2nd semester. I'm failing all my classes, i think if i were to go every day, make up everything, and try my best i may be able to save myself somewhat, however, i don't have the drive. I do want to go to college, i dont want to drop out, but i just cant bring myself to pull good grades or attend school. All my teachers see me as a "skipper who doesnt give a shit about my class." I feel bad, guilty, and embarrassed every time i walk into their class.
On top of that I work 2 jobs for financial reasons, and smoke a lot of pot, no other drugs. Its what keeps me sane from all the stress of work, parents, school, ex gf, it gives me some time of peace and mental tranquility in my life which i dont find anywhere else.
I'v tried to help myself, i try to wake up earlier for school so i get there on time, hit the snooze button often, but atleast i try. I'm doing my best to quit smoking cigarettes and go back to the gym (i just reopened my account). I just also started taking guitar lessons to give me something to make my mind off stress/thoughts of my ex.
I also feel empty, I am not antisocial, but also not as social as i'd like to be, which i also despise. I have a hard time conversating with new people if i don't know anyone (such as at a party). Because of that I have a hard time meeting new girls which also bothers me. I don't have to much of a drive for life anymore. I'm not embarassed about who i am, im not trying to sound concieted (i am in no shape or form), but i consider myself a very good lookin person, im confident int he way i look, but i feel like i have no personality. I have a very dull personality which i wish i could change. I can make some peopel laugh, but not alot. I just feel like im a bore sometimes. (like to girls lol)
I just really wish i could bring myself to salvage my school life, and learn how to deal with my ex (i lost my virginity to her more or less/long story maybe thats why im so attatched). I had sex before but it wasn't fully sex but im not going there. I just really wish i could have her back, oh and i really wish i could have some dignity for myself and not go crying/bitching about her or giving off the impression im hurt and miss her. I'm at a loss and dont know what to do. I am doing absolutley NOTHIGN with my life. I don't know what to do.
My parents are dissapointed, i can see it in my dads eyes how dissapointed he is. he tries so hard to get me to go to school, he bought me a new computer, despite his financial obligations to a family of 6, but to no avail. I get pissed the fuck off at myself to for not going, and i talk myself into how im going to do school work today, but i put it off or just flat out change my mind and don't do it. I find every possible excuse for myself not to do work. I'm already dreading going back to class and having to look my teachers in the eyes and see them glare at me since i havnt been there at all this week, or most of last week.
I just wish i could make myself get good grades, go out on weekends and party, meet new people, not be shy, get a few numbers, and have a good time with my life.
I just honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore. Sorry for the long post.