For like …I dk..2 or 3 months ..4 maybe .. I’ve felt good. Better.. It seemed shit was going good and now it’s gone. I miss it and I want it back! I dk how to get it back… thinking about how it was makes the shit worse. I’m back where I started.. And I dk wut the fuck to do.I know what triggered it off but that’s been dealt with… and I still feel like crap. I fight with a friend (witch has been resolved as well) . I’m torn between my heart and my head. My gf says trust my heart. And I do but my mind is driving me insane. I know why the girls have stopped talking to me… their guys. They always come back to talk when their not with anyone. Ash is one of them. I never stopped treating her the same as I did when I was single so I don’t; get it why when she has a bf I only talked to her at school… on campus. But when they break up and she’s single it’s back to how it was. I dk wut to make of that. She’s not the only one doing it either… 3 (online friends) do it too. I know people say online friend and real friends are different and blaa abla…… I don’t think so. A friend is a friend to me no matter if they live next door or in another country. I have friends that live in other counties /& states but I don’t see them till summer shows. I’m fine with that. They may not fill the same about me tho. But oh well.. I think it’s all me. I think I get attached or something and I don’t want to let go. When I say I’m a friend I’m a friend forever… If he hadn’t of busted Jack I’d probably still be his friend and who knows what that ass would be asking me to do. I don’t know if I have the since to say no to a friend.. I dk if I have the since to drop a friend. I don’t!! now this really close friend for some reason is leaving me. I know how it works. It starts with weeks and then months.. it’s been a month since I last heard anything. Next comes years. Next is my dear ole parents…. That never have time. I got the same shit I always do with my dad.. I’m busy.. Can you hold off a while. You think I’m going to tell him no I can’t. hell no. I don’t even ask my mom I just looked at her b4 I walked out of the barn then she came and called me back. Handed me a horse brush and we Simi talked while we brushed a horse down. My dad never acknowledged I was in there. I can’t tell my mom. I just can’t. it makes me want her back. I know it sounds stupid….. But she wasn’t always a ass. I could go to her for anything… and I mean anything. About a year or two ago I made a post about a secret I couldn’t tell my parents….. I still hiding it from them. I dk now if it even has to do with not telling them or if it’s just me. I feel bad about it ..guilty.. Every time I see some one make a joke about insect I think about it. Cuz that’s exactly what it was. I asked her what real sex was like and I told her I wanted to and we did. And she told me what to do and showed me everything……. I was just 13. My parents don’t know that. I don’t think they should know it. If I hadn’t asked for it……… I dk. There is more shit but I can’t say it cuz this last shit has me too upset plus ..I got to clean my face up so I can pretend to be ok this evening…tonight…..the weekend.
Taste of good days
I have some input on the friends thing.I have plenty of female friends who only call me after braking u witheir BF. Drives my gf crazy, but that's the way it is.Also, I've been called loyal by friends before, but I dont feel I try to stay connected with them as much as I should. If they are out of sight, they are for the most part out of mind until something reminds me of them. When I finally do talk to them, we pick up where we left off. There isn't this resentment like, "Why have you not called me in three years?"About the parent thing, everyone's parental situation is so different, that the path you choose must be your own. I think you have a good head on your shoulders so I trust you can handle most situations that are thrown at you. Hell you'ver already handled a bunch, and that has only made you stronger.
There's a lot of shit I want to say to you CR but give me some time my mind really isn't right, right now, it's going off in to many direction to give your post the thought it deserves. I just can't focus in on anything today.
I will say listen to your heart, on this one, because our minds can betray us.
I'll get back with you when I'm a little more able to focus.