I think I've needed to share this with someone, whoever may read it. I haven't really talked to anyone but how I feel about my life.I will do the best to describe how I feel.I feel like I wasn't born to fit into this society, to be honest. I have true disgust for my parents. I know any teen would say this, but I can say with complete honesty that I really could not ever comprehend my parents. It seems like they never strive to better themselves, yet they just do whatever it takes to meet the norm. My stepdad is ex-military and thinks he is always right and goes golfing with his co-workers. (who doesn't do that?) He constantly degrades my Mom and talks down to her, and my mom never stands up for herself. Both he and my mother thought I was weird because I never spent time with them in the living room and constantly stayed in my own room. They didn't understand that I felt better being alone. Sometimes I still do. They used to be constantly mad at me because my sleeping pattern was nocturnal. Little did they know that I had a sleeping disorder. I wonder if even take into consideration the problems others might have. My younger brother wanted to go live with his Dad because he didn't like Mom and my mom sent him to a psychiatrist because of this. My Mom tells me that we eat brand name food just because my stepdad likes it. Apparently the only one who matters is my stepdad? Of course, it makes sense because he makes the majority of the money. Yet, I cannot understand my mom putting my stepdad before us, her children. Understand... they have been like this forever and nothing has changed. My parents believe in God of course because it is the socially correct thing to believe in these days, yet I've never seen them pick up a Bible or pray over their food. Yet, I see them use his name in vain all the time. Thats really the only I time I hear God or Jesus name come out of their mouth. My mom, striving hard to be socially popular, joins clubs where they have liquid luncheons every Sunday (day of sabbath, anyone?). She also frequently talks down to her mom when I am 99% sure that my grandma has done more for both my stepdad and her than they have done for her. While my Grandma asks for a simple favor, my parents blow it out of proportion and make it a big deal. Yet when my parents ask my Grandma of a pretty big favor (watching the kid while we go on a 2 week vacation for ourselves), my Grandma excepts in a humbling manner and with no complaints. My parents also talk about members of our family and all their flaws, yet they fail to see their own. Please understand, I do not ask my parents to be perfect. I would just like for them to make sense for me. I cannot even talk to them about anything unless I absolutely have to since I live with them (I am 18 and still in high school). I atleast expect my parents to make sense and teach me good morals and a healthy lifestyle (not just physically, but mentally). After all, my real father is a murderer and child molester (no he didn't molest me), yet his personality made more sense to me. I've felt like all this has really contributed towards my social dysfunction, to be quite honest. I find myself abnormally different from everyone else, and while I know a lot of people do, I get the sense that I just didn't learn certain "things" that most kids were taught or picked up off their childhood or parents. Like girls or socializing. I started off school having feelings for girls and had a desire to socialize with them but haven't had the courage to. I never knew what to say. I don't really know how to flirt when I see this occur naturally with people my own age. Please understand, this has been going on since as long as I can remember until now - my senior year. I've always questioned every aspect of my life down to the bare essential. I am my biggest critic. I think it is because I don't know who I am or how to live in this society. I don't think I try hard to fit in, but I seem to try to imitate some of what others do as a natural reaction to me not knowing what to do in certain situations. For example, people always told me I was too nice and while everyone was goody goody with me, no one ever really recognized me as a somebody. This is a good example, I always talk to this girl and I thought I've been pretty nice to her (she's my friends girlfriend, I just talked to her alot), she forgot to give me a valentine. This isn't a one time thing, this has happened my entire life. I've always been the one who is left out. It doesn't matter what it is in. I can hang out with people and be nice to them, yet when it comes to giving out party invitations, I always seem to not exist. Most people take these things lightly from what I've learned. They just say, "hey, it's no big deal." Well, in my case it is, because it is an on going thing. It's not like every once in a while I am forgotten or I am the left out one. It's all the time. I've sometimes questioned whether one must meet the normal enough just to be accepted in today's society. I mean it seems so. Everyone belongs to a certain group today. I really don't feel that though. I mean, you got your preps who wear american eagle and aeropostale and polos with sandals and blue jeans and the girls who wear the big sunglasses just because everyone else wears them and then you have the creative people who have a slightly different sense of fashion and are into art, music, and poetry. Then there are the people who like sports and go around wearing sweats or jerseys all day. Then theres your people pleasers and the successful people. I don't seem to fall into any of these groups, yet everyone I know, I can categorize into a certain group. I guess if I had a group, it would be "The kids who don't know who they are" group. I don't know who I am or why I think the way I think and why it is so radical compared to your average 18 year old. I've often had suicidal thoughts because I have so many questions about who I am and why I feel the way I do when kids are simply able to brush it off. I simply just cannot do that no matter how hard I try. I feel like becoming an alcoholic just to get through this phase called "life", really. I just don't know what to do.And that's how I feel about my life. I don't ask that anyone feel sorry for me or whatever, I would just like to understand myself better. That is all.
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How I Feel About My Life....
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Fuck me.I got nothing to say, but I did read it all, Ill take some time to sort it out, I got shit to say about a few parts of it but honestly I lack the initiative to type out something that long and detailed and thought out right now.I didnt want ya watching views go up and think no one gave a shit or you were being ignored, but Im gonna finish my coffee and cig, and go load a truck with ice melt then cover my driveway and walks in it, after yesterday the thoughts of moving today hurt me, let alone doing anything I need to concentrate on.I will however try to get back to this one, or maybe just tackle small parts of it in individual posts as time allows.Your not ignored, but you dont have a short easy answer true false yes no and any incoming posts are going to take a bit.
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I think the more we have to deal with life circumstances, the more it makes us different from everyone else. Spoiled kids don't know what I'm talking about, since they "fit right in" and never had to deal with the realities life has to offer. You are the way you are due to your surroundings, upbringing, and possibly your biological make-up.Youre different, and you don't feel like you belong in this world. That's me too. I hate the set of circumstances I have to read about each day. Another school shooting in America, it's becoming so common I'm caloused over it. I turned to my co worker this morning and told him, "If you ever decide to bring a gun to work please don't shoot me." That's society today for you. We live in a highly unpredictable era and to keep calm takes a very strong mind. The power of the mind is incredible, so it is possible, if you have the right tools.
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I appreciate you guys for reading this novel, lol. That's how I feel sometimes Sexspert, like rich kids do fit right in. That's funny because before my mom got married, we were very poor.