Before I write this, I just want to say a few things. This is the first time I'll have HONESTLY talked about the past two years of my life (grade 9 and 10). For those reading this, thank you, and I don't care if you respond or not or what you think... I don't know what I'm going to get out of this - maybe I'll understand it more. You don't need to read it - it's not important, I did it just now for self improvement. Skip forward to the SECTION TWO part, that's all that's really "important". Now, here I go...I'm 15 years old (my birthday is in 3 days, so I'll be 16 then). The past two years of my life are extremely weird (fucked up I guess you could say), so I'll start from then - when grade 8 ended. The summer after that ended, my Nonno (Italian grandfather) died... Really sad for me, but at the funeral, I kept it in - for some reason I had to stay strong. I almost lost it once, but I held it in. My nonno was a real tank - he went for about 2 years after being diagnosed with lung cancer (heavy smoker). A year after being diagnosed it spread all over (liver, pancreas, etc...), but he hung on for the other year. The doctors were amazed. This saddened me greatly, as I started doubting religion (I was raised Catholic), and I really began to debate it before he died. After he passed, I seriously doubted the existence of a supernatural being - I'm now an Athiest (from that day).I don't remember that summer too well after that - I think I went to some basketball camp, I don't remember. Anyways, fast forward to Grade 9. Everything was going well - good grades (although I hated English and French), just like back in Grade 8 (96% in Math!). There was this girl I noticed, in 2 of my classes (english and science), Stephanie... That name rings in my mind. A few months after noticing her, I talked to her some, just before she broke up with her boyfriend. She suffered from depression and the whole bit, was on anti-anxiety pills, I don't know... But for some reason my mind made up a story to make her feel better. I started trying to be addicted to things (really stupid like Tylenol), then pretend that if I didn't take them I would get rebound headaches. I began to actually feel depressed - sleep, school, eat, sleep, repeat. I started to only play video games and go to school, not be very sociable outside of school. I also started cutting (she did too). Anyways, we started talking about drugs, and she did marijuana. So I did a lot of research on the internet; and decided to go for it. Never cigarettes, I told her.So the day after exams, I took the bus to "school", and went to her house. That was probably the worst weed I ever smoked, and she probably pretended to be stoned... I didn't feel a single thing, I just sat there. The one thing that really struck me was that I sat there for an entire hour, but it felt like seconds. Anyways, yeah, I could've gotten laid that day (she was rubbing against me), but I didn't - I was fearful of such a thing (I don't know if I regret it now - although I do want to have sex, don't get me wrong). Then she kissed me once, tasted like marijuana... hated it... So we just lay in her bed for a while, I held her, then we watched Napoleon Dynamite. Then I went home.Fast forward a month; I really feel depressed, go home, sleep, eat, sleep, go to school, repeat. My parents REALLY notice, my mom wants to take me to a psychaitrist. That sat in the pit of my stomache, so I said yes; but I forced myself to appear happy from that day on... Put on a nice face for everyone. Looking at how much I wrote just now, I really think that this isn't just a waste of my time, but anyone who's reading this... Why should you give a flying fuck. Anyways, continuing on...My best friend's mom quit smoking, and he found a pack of her cigarettes (unopened, mind you), and she was like "They're not mine!", so I took them. I begged him for them, and stole them in the end (ashamed to this day). I shared a few with Stephanie, smoked the rest myself. I never felt any addiction, but I damned well tried.I stopped cutting early that year (2005). That summer, I smoked weed. A lot... got my best friend to do it too. It lost it's edge after the 2nd time, but I did it anyways - for something to do. I noticed my motor skills being impared, but that fixed itself when I stopped and only did it occasionally (later that summer).I also started looking up suicide methods, the thought of suicide interested me. I to this day would take a bullet to the head if I could - death is so much easier than life. I'll explain that later.Grade 10 started, and things got better around me, but not inside me. People started recognizing me as a smart stoner - someone on honour roll but smoked weed. The idea was odd to me, but I didn't care. In English, I met Andrea - one of the most beautiful girls I know of to this day. I stopped for a while for her, until some asshole asked her out - then I started again. When they broke up, she told me all her problems; I knew that I had a chance with her, I never took it. I even danced with her a few times at parties, but never got the courage. I liked a few girls, and they were all really beautiful and special. (during this time Stephanie dropped out of the "public eye" so to speak - she's really not that good looking anymore, with all this vampire shit, although she still says hi to me). Basically I blew my chance with Andrea, but I moved on from that. I liked Mel, but she had a boyfriend - and when she broke up my friend caught the better of me (I'm Italian, she's Portugese - they aren't too 'friendly' in race, but I still love her).SECTION 2Caroline was very pretty, moreso than both of these girls. Since I promised her (like 2 months ago), I really quit weed (although I still smoke a cigarette once in a while for no reason, I still don't know why). I've chatted with her a lot lately, but I still haven't asked her out - I WANT to, but I just can't bring myself to it - I feel like I drag her down somehow.Anyways, I began to tell her the story, but make it more "interesting". In essence, I made my own reality. I saw all these movies and shows (Cowboy Bebop, most mentionanbly). I don't watch any anime (it's so stupid IMHO), only Bebop made sense. Smoking, guns... I loved it, and vowed to be like it, but I couldn't. So I made my own believable reality - the only one I told was Caroline. To get her to never try weed (she said she wanted to, I didn't want her to).I told her after grade 8, I went to a psych, and got some anti-depressants. My grades dropped, but I stopped taking them (heavily influenced by Donnie Darko). Then after I stopped, I got "happier", and my grades improved, and everything started getting better, blah blah blah. Believable, especially to someone not exposed to all this research about 'em.I think I did it to make her pity me, but for the past two months, I think I'm becoming schitzophrenic. I've been seeing small things - a finger bending around a wall or spider coming out of something, quick look and heartbeat, and it's gone. I feel like everything isn't reality - I don't know if you're real. Death is the only way to find out, no? That's why I would take a bullet to the head. I still think about suicide a lot - I know all the methods, what drugs to OD on, how to strangulate yourself, hell even how to position a shotgun. I know it all, so I stopped looking at suicide websites. I still want to do it just to get rid of the uncertainy. I have so many questions, but I don't know how to ask them (nor do I know what they are).I'm also really interested in DXM (I tried a deleriant once, never again). I did a 2nd plateau dose once, it was fun - but I have trouble accesing it. I like the fact of merging reality with your mind, making your OWN reality. I don't know what I'm trying to say in this post - but fuck, is this normal? I'm not seeing a psych or a doctor - I'll die before that, anyways (hopefully)My beliefs differ so much from those around me... I'm seeing things... I don't want to live... Yet I hang on. Why? I mean I have a future - good grades, father put away money for university, but I don't WANT it. Why? I don't know - the fact that I know what's in the future, yet at the same time I don't know so many things. I don't know - I feel stupid for even posting this fucking thing in the first place. Thanks for reading this, I guess...Some people call me crazy. I tell some people crazy. As my life progresses I prove myself more and more right... And it's scaring me, because I'm losing my mind, badly...
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Subject? I don't know... Really.
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so....you never did go to a psych then? i would say, stop smoking weed, im not sure exactly if it has bad longterm effects like the hallucinations youre describing, but i would stop just to mkae sure. that is the only drug youve been taking/smoking right? also, its a good idea for you to get on antidepressants, life is just starting for you, dont throw it away edit: o btw what you were describing w/ the fingers around corners and crap is hallucinations, not schizophrenia, that is where you hear voices in your head and stuff like that...
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I did quit; roughly a month ago. Before that (for 6 months), I only did it twice. I started smoking cigarettes, but only 1-2 a week (until this pack is done, then no more). I don't want to confront my parents about the issue - I don't know if I should, nor how to really confront them. I don't even want to see a psych - what can they really do...
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you have to confront your parents about the issue. They will be able to get you to a psych who can get you on pills to help you get over your depression. I would also strongly suggest mentioning the hallucinations you've been having. Although you may not want to talk to your parents right now, you will be much better off if you do. Its better to talk to them than to let all these problems get worse.
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Actually, people with schizophrenia often have visual hallicination.
Brandon, you should really go see a psychologist or counselor or psychiatrist or whatever. You may not actually be as whacked out as you think you are (or hope you are?). I wouldn't assume you were schizophrenic just yet, but you really should see someone who can help take the edges off things. It sounds like you do have a lot going on for you, and in a few years this whole Donny Darko-depression-schizophrenia-I'm so dark and twisted thing will lose it's appeal. It's a good time for you to start shining.
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I agree with damien. I also note that you often do things that are suggested to you, rather than things you choose yourself; or if they are things you choose, they are things that allow you to avoid responsibility. You find it very hard to do some things you want to do that could change your life for good, like asking girls out. If you can work at your self-esteem that will change. Sometimes we don't want life to improve because we want an excuse for its not being perfect. Try to leave that - life is always imperfect, but you can make it better.
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In reply to:
Actually, people with schizophrenia often have visual hallicination.
my bad, i always thought schizo was just the voices but oh well.
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Yes, I've noticed that I go through really extreme phases of me imitating/liking something A LOT (for example, a song - I might like it for a week, and listen to it over and over and over again, but then in a week I'll hate it), the same with video games.I guess I'll try to pull myself together to better my life, but I still see death as an easy alternative to life. I'd still take that bullet... There's so much we don't know, and that I'm not willing to find out.
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Great... Now I'm avoiding Caroline for some reason. If I see her on MSN, I sign off... If I see her in the halls, I pretend not to see her (although I can out of the corner of my eye)... She's just so happy, and better off without me I guess (especially because of that fucked up story I told her too). I don't know why I'm avoiding her; when I see her I get really fearful though, and don't know what to say really...