Why am i doing this to myself???

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these past few months have been so hard on me...i lost my beloved family pet,my nan and my pop, and i havent grieved over it yet. just these past few weeks ive been so cold towards my boyfriend. i dont like him huggin me or anything. i hate it because i want everything to be okay again. i just want to leave and start over. (not to leave him...just things that happened to me). i love my boyfriend to death, but it seems like im closer to this other guy i met online because of the fact that i want to avoid what is happeneing.this other guy just doesnt know everything that im goin thru,so he doesnt mention it. i feel like i am avoiding everything. this other guy has strong feelings for me, and i wrote about this in another previous post,in the relationship forum , but i dont want people to be gettin the wrong idea..i just dont feel like im myself anymore. i hate going home, im always fighting with my parents,i hate myself (the way i look etc.), i cant get over everyhting that is happening, i only just graduated from highschool, so now i have stress over what i want to do with my life...i dont really know what my question is here...im just so lost and confused right now...im so tempted to just leave and move away and start off new...but my bf doesnt want me to leave..he loves me dearly,and i love him..its just that ive been pushing everyone away and just staying in my room whenever im home (not very often that im home). what should i do??what is wrong with me...? am i goin crazy or sumthing? ..im so scared...im afraid im going to do sumthing stupid like break up with my boyfriend. he wants me to grieve,but i just cant get it thru my head that my grandparents are passed..... ..im sorry to be writing so much..

Wow...sounds like you need a vacation. Seriously. The new guy is most likely just an "escape" from your trouble...but now is not the time to find out if it's more or not. Could also be you're afraid of losing your current BF too...or there's a part of you you haven't shared with him and you need your space. Either way, vacation time...sans BF.

yeh i know....i dont know whats wrong with me...im so tired of it.

It seems like the combined effect of a lot of stress.

i really dont know what it is.....im gonna break one of these days...i can see it happening.

A vacation would be a really good idea, especially if you can go somewhere peaceful and pleasant.

Breaking down can be healthy as long as you don't want to harm yourelf or others. It will take time to heal.

I haven't found it so. I think it's much better not to get to that point.Stress is insidious - you think you're handling it, right up to the point where you can't.

id love to go on a vacation, but i have absloutely no money ....*sigh*

Cheap vacataions can be as good as expensive ones, but it's hard if you have absolutely no money. :frowning:

tell me about it..

i find that going to a secluded place like maybe a small park where no one goes to or something like that and just thinking helps to clear away a lot of my stress/depression.

thanx..i should try that.

yea, i tryed going to a park thins one time when i was really upset, and then sum creepy guys started following me........ i dont recommend parks at night

write as much as you want! anyway there's nothing wrong in taking awhile before you grieve, everyone takes things differently. I've experience deaths and haven't shed a tear, then weeks later, i can be doing anything, and it will just hit me and i'll break down crying. I hope things get better for you.

thank you. i hope i do too.its just that now i feel guilty for not grieving...i dont know. its been hard on me since april,and ive cried ONCE...im terrible.

death is such a weird thing.i feel so heartless when i say this butive helped to carry two people to their graves.eerie.i feel more emotion for some people that are still alive then those who have died.i dunno why i dont feel that much.it feels like i know i should but i just cant.i think everyone does different things when it comes to death depending on who you are and what these people meant to you and how it all went down.i dont think that you should feel guilty or bad or anything for not grieving...even though its pretty much impossible not to feel bad.death confuses me way too much, im sorry if none of this makes sense.its so weird.

no thats ok..i do feel guilty. and i hate it. and being guilty makes me even more upset. so then i think of something else to keep my mind off of feeling guilty. its like an endless cycle..you know what i mean? it bugs me

thanx for replying :smile:

it could all possibly be because of your mind's coping mechanism, it's probably subconsciously repressing the belief that they really are gone. your mind will only let you experience as much pain as it thinks you can handle.

yeah i guess so hey? thanx tho