Til death do us part?

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My boyfriend and I were very much in love, and happily daydreaming about (and planning for) our life together, especially the kids we both badly wanted. Even though we had minor fights, it felt like our love was growing stronger every day (to the mild disgust of the friends around us, who were getting bored of all the lovey-dovey stuff). We vowed never to give up on one another, love each other 'til death do us part.... all that jazz. Then I got pregnant. I decided to wait to tell him, just for a while. Until I was certain. Then I was scared to tell him (not because of a reaction I feared, just because I have pretty bad anxiety problems). Right around when I started to feel guilty (about 2 months or more in), he had to make on of his semi-annual trips to visit his family aross the country, and I told him I'd rather hold off going. He went, and I worked on getting the nerve to tell him. A week before he was supposed to return (his mother is ill, he usually visits for 2-3 weeks at a time), I began to feel impossible pain in my abdomen, like menstural crapms gone wrong, and then i started to bleed, really heavily. I spent what felt like forever in the upstairs bathroom, just bleeding and bleeding. My best friend came over, and she said she thought I was having a miscarriage, but that she thought I should call the hospital, in case I was hemhorraging or anything. I made a call (it was fake) and asked her to leave. I never went to the doctor, though, because I didn't want to know for sure that I had (though unintentionally) killed a child that I was supposed to give life to. I thought if my boyfriend found out, he could never forgive me.I went ahead and took a test a few months later (when the pain felt less severe). It came up negative, as did all of the ones after (I compulisvely took about thirty). I finally had to admit that there was no way in hell that the baby was alive. So then I felt bad for not telling my boyfriend, because he was so eager to have kids with me. I went ahead told him about my miscarriage, and I cried for what felt like years. I couldn't stop. It's like all the pain had built up, and wouldn't cease until it was all released. I felt amazingly better after that cry. Then I realized he hadn't cried. He was worried abot me, but this screw-up of mine, this cessation of life due to unworthiness on my part, barely fazed him at all! I couldn't accept that it didn't tear him apart like it had me.It's been nearly a year since then. He still wants kids (he thinks I'm not on birth control, but I am, because I don't want to mess up again). I feel like he's even forgotten about what happened. He still loves me, but guilt at my own failure and shock at his callousness has made me reconsider our relationship. It just feels- dead, to me. Cold, and empty. He promised me until death do us part- does the death of my unborn child count? It sure feels like it. What should I do?

First, the miscarriage wasn't your fault. You diodn't bring it on by your thoughts, or by not telling your boyfriend.Second, your boyfriend isn't necessarily being callous. He's probably being strong and silent, as males are expected to be. And not everyone feels things to the same degree of emotion, but it doesn't mean they don't feel properly.You and your boyfriend need to talk all this over. It seems you don't talk enough, and you should.

What on earth can have convinced you that the miscarraige was your fault? A miscarraige is an unfortuante fact of nature and in no way reflects on you. It is obvious you were very very hurt to lose your baby, thats hardly the attitude of an uncaring unworthy mother, is it?

Have you considered counselling? Some women find it beneficial after losing a baby. There is a wonderful book by a woman called Betty J Eadie called 'Embraced by the Light' that it might do you some good to read. It's a true account of a near death experience and answers a lot of questions about life and death. I would urge anyone who is bereaved to read that book.

The way I see it, you have a two pronged problem here: firstly, you are still hurting a good deal over having lost the baby and that sort of emotional trauma can distort your view, which brings me on part two; where it has left your relationship. I think it'd be wise to remember a few things here - you had a lot of time to get used to the idea of a baby compared to your boyfriend, who found out that it had existed and was gone in almost the same moment. I'd imagine he'd have to have been shocked to see the state you were in and hear all you had to say and of course that would have influenced the way he reacted. Anyway, how do you know he hasnt since had a private cry about it?

I dont think it's a good idea to be on birth control without telling him. Imagine if he found out? That'd damage the trust, an essential element in any relationship. It sounds to be like you need to have a long and honest talk with him, tell him how hurt and confused you were by his reaction, tell him it has you questioning if you have a future. What harm can it do? Cause if you're not honest you can be sure you wont have a future anyway, cause the relationship will crumble. Communication and honesty are the two glues that bind a relationship together in my book, and one dosent work without the other.

Good luck and take care, x.

My daughter was born blind with a hole in her heart, and i went through a stage of blaming myself............it had nothing to do with me, and you have to beleive that the miscarriage had nothing to do with you hon............cuddles.

What everyone is saying has a definite ring of truth to it and all, but I'm still never going to feel like it was any less my fault than I did when it first happened, nor am I going to be able to convince myself that he just didn't care. I knew I was sick. I'd been in and out of the hospital for frequent (almost chronic) dehydration and malnutrition. I should have gone to the doctor, or told my boyfriend. I know coulda-shoulda-woulda don't change squat, but I can't help but feel worthless, and his support has meant a ton... But I would have been so much happier if he understood. I guess maybe I over-estimated him. I know how much he wanted kids, but maybe he was just doing what a good dad (or in this case, protector) would do... Every experienced parent know that when a small child gets an scrape or a bump or some other form of 'ouch', if mommy and dad panic, the child will get upset and cry. But if their parent stays calm and produces the Band-Aid or kiss needed to heal it, the kid is all smiles and roses in less than five minutes. I guess what I perceived as him being cold and distant could, in fact, simply been him trying to keep me from getting more upset, and hurting worse in the long run. I definitely think we need to talk about it, him and I, but I don't know how to approach him. I can't just walk up and tell him I've been hurt and simply not bothered to tell him... How can I put it gently that we need to talk about something that means a lot to me, without making him feel like I don't trust him enough to tell him things?p.s.- I told him about the birth control, but I didn't explain... He knows I get really bad menstural cramps, and assumed that's why I was taking it. He also said it was a good idea to give us a little more savings time. When I come clean about everything else, I'll explain further, but I'm glad I can kill two birds with one stone...

Once someone has an idea very firmly lodged in their heads it is near impossible for anything anyone else says to shift it, so I wont go down that road, except to reiterate that I meant everything I said about the miscarraige not being your fault, and also to point out a couple of things that maybe you havent considered: There are unfortunte women out there addicted to dangerous substances who sometimes, seemingly miraculously, carry healthy babies full term; and there are other women who follow doctors orders to the letter, keeping a close eye on nutrition, gentle exercise etc and are unfortunate enough to lose thier babies. Then there are women like myself who havent a bloody clue either way and are just lucky enough to muddle on through and end up with a healthy baby. My point is there are no rules and no certainties, and not only does pregnancy differ from woman to woman, but from pregnancy to pregnancy as well. I've only had one child, but I know women who've had several and reported very different experiences of each, so in the middle of all that confusion, how is it logical to appropriate blame?Anyway, I said I wouldnt bang on at you, so I'll change the subject. It's a good thing you came clean about the contraception, I'm glad for your sake that you did that.You wrote "How can I put it gently that we need to talk about something that means a lot to me, without making him feel like I don't trust him enough to tell him things?". Yes, he might wonder why he hasnt heard it before now, but wouldnt it be better to gently explain that you were so upset about having lost the baby that you didnt want to approach the subject till you felt ready? It sounds like he loves you enough to understand.

Well, that went great (EXTREME sarcasm). He's really upset. Manly didn't-cry-man burst into tears and ran out of the room sobbing. I guess I forgot to mention his trust issues... So now he's half-comatose under the covers, staring blankly at the wall, where he's been for the past half hour. I'm about to puke. I know what he's thinking. I don't love him anymore, he thinks. I don't trust him. Which means, to him, that I must be looking for someone else... Which explains the birth control, in his mind. What have I done? I wanted him to know that I was hurt, not proceed to bring MORE hurt into the world. More proof, I guess, that I'm super at screwing things up. I hope he'll come out of this if I need a ride to the hospital, which at this rate, I will. And all I have left to break is my favorite antique silver mirror. My grandmother's gonna kill me...

Try to stay calm. When two people don't talk to each other, they often try to read between the lines a lot, and often get it wrong. The solution is not less talking, but more.

You're right, of course. I am just going to go to bed. I am going to give him a good-night kiss. And then in the morning, we will talk, and I will take him into work and give his boss (my former girlfriend/best friend, who understands) a hug, and then hurry to my own job, where my boss is NOT friendly and will probably yell at me for being late. And then we will come home, and have a talk, and fight, and come to some sort of an understanding. Because that is what we do. Thanks for reminding me not to lose it. This may well be the first night in a long time I have not cut myself when I have suffered from stress. If I make it though the night, I am going to love you guys (and all of afraidtoask) even more. sniff Good night, everyone. Hopefully the morning will bring better things...

Hugs

See ?! Do you fucking see???this thread, then one a ffew days ago where some girl had bled frommasturbation who was freaking and got calmed down and back to reality because of information on this site, for all the fucking off that goes on here alot of good goes on as well, one of th few shiney spots left on the net with out all that layers of built up tarnish that need to be scrubbed and stripped.Good Fucking job Ineligible. So long as this type of shit goes on here its a worth while site unlike pretty much the rest of the net.

Hon i hope things are better for you at the moment, i only have a few things to add..........my man goes all quiet when we have been arguing, it his way of working through what was said without shouting at me, it drives me INSANE as im thinking, hes thinking stuff he isn't. Try and be civil with eachother, until you get a chance to sit down and discuss whats been said, try and stay calm, say your bit and more importantly listen. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that men and women may end up at the same place, but we take very different roads to get there, its just the way our brains are wired up. Don't put your thoughts into his head and worry about what he is thinking, you could be total off the track, wait till he tells you before worry IF theres anything to worry about. Often men like to go into their 'cave' - for want of a better word - to process stuff in their heads. Try and keep relaxed, what happened isn't the end of the world and he should see that once hes sorted things out in his head. Keep us updated.

I think my boyfriend must have a fucking doppleganger and he's AngleWitch's boyfriend, cause that is EXACTLY how my infuriating man behaves during a row.If you know that right now he's freaking out as to whether you love and trust him the thing to do is to reassure him on both points, and make sure you do it both verbally and with lots of kisses and hugs. I know it mightnt feel like it right now, but you did the right thing in getting your hurt off your chest, cause otherwise it was bound to cause other problems in the relationship.And knock that cutting yourself shit off, the only person you are hurting there is you, in the most literal sense of the words. I've been there and all it does is leave you with ugly scars that tell your history to new people you meet without you even having to open your mouth.Let me know how things are going, xx.

Thanks, Ineligible and ~AngelWitch~ and starfish and everybody. When I finally went to bed last night, my boyfriend was on my side of the bed, hugging my pillow, with tears dried on his cheeks. I couldn't even think of being mean to him. So I snuggled up behind him, and held him, and he woke up and rolled over and hugged me... We talked for a good long while, fell madly and passionately back in love, and then went a little crazy with the 'madly and passionately' bit... But all is good. We talked some more this morning and all I can think is that I will never hide anything from him again, not even for what I think is a reason. He's so understanding when he's sleepy (and spent all night getting that way, wrapped in his lover's arms). Oh, and it turns out I was right about what he was thinking, but what made him so pensive was that he was thinking that that wasn't right. He was sticking up for me, even when there was no one to listen! Yay! I could just die of happiness right here and now! OOOH! And I didn't cut last night! At ALL! I'm so proud of myself (big hug) I feel like I'm five again! Happydance!Oh, and that leads to this:>And knock that cutting yourself shit off, the only person you are hurting there is you, in the most literal sense of the words. I've been there and all it does is leave you with ugly scars that tell your history to new people you meet without you even having to open your mouth.I know. Thanks for being blunt and open about it. I hate when people feel the same way as you but then beat around the bush. I really don't have any reason to anymore, and I'm trying to stop. If it wasn't compulsive, I'd have stopped a while back. Maybe in the future I'll have better luck with it. For right now, I'm doing my best.Thanks EVERYBODY for being my support. Y'all have NO IDEA how much it means to me that you would reach out and help a stranger like me, selflessly. I'm so glad I found people like you guys. It's proof that there IS some good in the world!

I think my boyfriend must have a fucking doppleganger...Maybe most men are your boyfriend's doppleganger.

I'm very proud of you!

I could just cry. It's one thing to know there are people out there who are willing to help, but it's another entirely to be the recipient of that kindness. I don't think I'm about to leave Afraidtoask.com... I'll try to help, but just seeing what y'all do is enough to make me happy any time I'm down. I love EVERYBODY!

Cuddles I learnt a few years ago that telling the truth no matter how upsetting is always better than hiding it as it always comes out in the end.I coudn't help smiling like a big smilie thing while reading your post, im so happy for you, and as ineligable said too, proud of ya, for the way you handled things and the fact you didn't cut.......you will learn that you are a lot stronger and worth more than you give yourself credit for darlin, more cuddles

Thats great news, I am SO happy for you honey. I'm rushing out the door right now, will post properly later.

Yeah, as I said, it's great things have worked out for you. I could have done with finding afraidtoask myself when I was going through my own relationship problems last year, but it's probably a good thing for everyone else that I didnt cause I'd have had heads wreaked posting several times daily, ha ha.As for the cutting thing, I lost somebody I loved very deeply some years ago and did a pretty extreme job on my arm out of pure emotional trauma. The wound was too deep to close the skin and the doctor had to just stitch the flesh and leave the skin gaping open. Now I'm left with a very ugly scar that I'm very concious of. I tell people that I fell in glass when they ask, and just hope they havent the cop on to realise it's on the wrong side of my arm. Havent done anything like that since.I think the thing to remember is that there is a difference between a compulsive behaviour and an involuntary one. i.e. you can stop if you really want to. Try not to let it get as far as I did. You can pm me anytime if you're feelin low.xx