Rejected affection

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What I'm wondering is, how important is affection to other people? I think myself and my partner are mismatched in that regard. Obviously we love eachother, thats why we're together, but if I didnt go over to him for a cuddle and a hug heaven knows how long I'd be waiting on one. (I might do an experiment actually, dont touch him affectionatly and see how long it takes!)This morning, for example, I went to give him a hug by way of an apology as I'd been a bit bitchy (am not a morning person) and he just tut tutted and pulled away. This isnt a one-off, it's a regular thing. I just walked downstairs and had a bit of a private cry in the kitchen. I dont normally cry over trivial things, but this has been building up in me over a long time. The tears were just spilling out of me, thank God he didnt walk in. It's just so hurtful to be constantly pushed away when you want to be close and I'm a very 'cuddly' person; affection is important to me with the one I love. But he just wasnt raised like that and never got used to it in his previous relationships either. It's making me very unhappy, so any suggestions on what to do about it would be appreciated. By the way, we have talked about it and he just contends that it just isnt 'him'. And I've got to the point where I often feel like a nuisance when I put my arms around him, which is a horrible way to feel. Any ideas on how to sort this out?Thanks - Sad Starfish!

I know that for me i could only cope with rejection and being pushed away for so long before I accepted it from someone else. I need to touch and cuddle, its VERY important to me. Feeling unwanted, unloved (even when you 'know' they love you ) and feeling like you can't show emotion to someone you're in a relationship with eats away at your self confidence and your confidence in the relationship - or it did for me anyway, and i couldn't take it anymore................"Of course i love you im here arn't i!" growl doesn't cut it for me anymore.I tried, talking about it, ignoring it, writing it in a letter, screaming it, throwing stuff while screaming it, and it never made an ounce of difference, he just wasn't 'like that' well that wasn't good enough for me so i left..............as for what you should do hon, i don't know, do you truly love him, and if so can you cope with feeling like this for years to come?

That's exactly the question I've been asking myself, and it's one of those questions we refuse to answer cause we know what the answer will be and dont want to hear it.. Oh fuck it, why are emotions such tricky fucking things?I got upset one night a week or two back and told him that his behaviour wasnt allowing me to be myself, and that, I think, is hugely damaging in the long term. He just has no idea what a big deal it is for me if we're lying on the sofa watching a film or something and he starts stroking my hair, and I really do resent this situation where I feel I'm sitting there waiting for scraps of affection from him, and regard my own behaviour as kind of pathetic, and there is nothing I hate more than to be forced into a position where I dont respect my own feelings or behaviours.I think though, that I'm probably giving a very one-dimensional view of our relationship. If there was another thread about our partners good points I could easily bore everybody shitless banging on about all of his. But coming back to what you said; yes, thats the danger, it's not that I have been tempted to cheat yet, cause I havent, but if you're starved of any essential element in a relationship it is only time before you go looking for it somewhere else..

**If you love him and everything else is good in your relationship and you plan on staying with him, then you have to come to terms with how you feel, hug him if you want to, don't make a big thing of it if its not returned cos you don't expect it to be, ask him if he would TRY to be a little more affectionate, relationships are all about trying and consideration etc etc, i don't think you would be asking too much that IF there is a situation where you could cuddle up, say to watch a movie, then you do it and sit cuddled even if its only once a week................i know its a stupid thing to ask but do you have a dog or cat, i found that when i was feeling pushed away, giving the dog a cuddle while i cried seemed to help.........and i knew that the dog would always want stroking or cuddling and never push me away, push me over yes, but away never LOL **

Ha ha ha, you're fucking crazy!! Thanks so much honey for making me laugh, that's the first laugh I've had all day; bloke wont hug you - get a dog! ha ha.

Funnily enough we found a kitten two weeks, so he may become my substitute after all! I dont know how this problem is going to pan out, but I really surprised myself crying this morning, when I burst into tears that's when I know things have gone too far. I'm one of those eejits who bottle it till it bursts, so when it bursts I know I've taken about as much as I can.

Thanks for your advice and the laugh, x.

Glad i could make you smile I used to do the bottling up thing too, then when i had my daughter and found out she was blind, and her hole in her heart etc i totally lost it, sank into deep depression and was very very very unhappy and in a bad place for years..........now i can't bottle it up, not even little things, it all comes out - sometimes before even thinking - ok usually before thinking LOL Im here if you need someone to listen, PM me anytime Oh and the man/dog substitute, just make sure its just the hugs the dogs standing in for or thats a whole 'nuther new thread topic right there LOL

Oh Jesus, ha ha, I think I've changed my mind; maybe love is conditional after all!

I am very affectionate and need it in return. There was a girl I went out with for a couple months who felt uncomfortable just holding hands with me. It hurt me a lot but I said it was ok. After a while we stopped seeing or talking to each other completely.

I am very affectionate and need it in return. Thats me exactly.

I am somewhere in between...I love to cuddle sometimes, other times I just love to do stuff, like, a project such as cooking together, or a bike ride, but don't necessarily want to be touched alot..But as one of "those" I know the hardships it can create in a relationship. I have to try extra hard to pay attention to how much affection I bestow on someone...Sorry, I don't have any tips, just as one of the less affectionate ones, I do try to under stand how you guys must feel....I had to be taught, so talk to him..

I am kind of like PepsiChaser on this one. My man sometimes complains that I am not very cuddly with him. It's not that I don't want to cuddle or give him a hug. I just don't think of it first. I mean, if he comes to me, then of course I will cuddle all night. I just hardly ever initiate it. I am not really sure why.

I do know I have to be more aware of his feelings.

Hey, Star...I have to say I'm a cuddler and need that, if only "every now and then". My late gf took nine months to get to the point she could say "I love you" (lot behind that, but not important, here). I finally just got fed up and told her it was something I really needed to hear....and got the old "don't my actions say that to you?" Well....yes and no. Then she proceeded to tell me how much MY gestures of affection meant to her....the little pats on the leg when I got off the couch to go to the kitchen, how I'd rub her neck briefly by way of goodbye on my way to the bathroom, for goodness sake. That solidified it for me: those things are EXTREMELY important in a relationship. If you know this about yourself, then you probably won't be happy with less...and you shouldn't settle for it. Star, you seem like a woman with her feces in one little pile. That said, you obviously know that some people just can't give each other what they need. If you're even contemplating going to someone else for what you need, you should just pack up your feces right now and move on....cause that will undoubtedly get messy at some point and you don't need to add that hurt on top of heartache...not to mention the inevitable guilt.Don't know if that helps, but I certainly wish you the best!

Thanks everybody for responding.x No, I've never contemplated being unfaithful, and dont feel myself any closer to that now than I ever did, I was just acknowledging the point that Angel made when she said that she felt she could only cope with rejection for so long before she went looking for affection elsewhere; I think theres truth in that for most people, and that if one of the fundamentals in a relationship is missing it makes cheating so much more of a liklihood, as the person hurting for want of that element will naturally be drawn to fulfill that need elsewhere, do you know what I mean? I suppose what that does is create a crack in the solidity of the relationship, so that the person wanting for whatever element is in short supply (affection, in this case) will be more susceptible to desiring it from whatever quarter it may happen to appear.Suppose, for example, I met somebody who was georgous, funny and intelligent (all the qualities my partner has in abundance) but also happened to be natually very affectionate, it would be only human of me to be drawn to that. And I dont like to think there is any sort of threat to my relationship, even if it hasnt made itself apparent yet, because I would regard that as 'waiting in the wings'.Of course, what are considered 'fundamental elements' in a relationship varies from person to person, and therein lies the trouble! What is essential to me here is clearly not essential to him. The women he spent seven years with in the relationship before ours was as lacking in her natural display of affection as he is, so not only is he not used to giving it, he's in no way used receiving it either. If he (like Lisa) didnt initiate it much, but was happy to receive it, that wouldnt bother me at all as compared to the situation as it is.We'll be together for four years this October coming, so if there was a liklihood of his coming around to my way of thinking I reckon it would have happened by now. I told him late last night that when he'd pushed me away that morning it had upset me a lot and he didnt even remember doing it - that's how much of an everyday reflex it was to him. I suppose I may sound a bit melodramatic when I say that it crossed my mind then that I wouldnt remember it either if somebody reminded me that morning I'd swatted away a fly..I suppose I'll just have to remember there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and all the elements dont ever come together in the one place at the one time. I could be with a man who was georgous and affectionate, but an absoloute bore - that would be immeasurably worse!(by the way, apologies for the very long post; once my fingers start moving it's like my thoughts travel down my arms and out my fingertips and I have no control over it. (As is evidenced by this long p.s. which is as long as some other peoples entire posts) - Jesus, what am I like..)

Hey, I completely understand....and I know there is someone out there for everyone....unbelievably, I found that person when I never thought I would.As for long posts....well....I'm prone to verbal diarrhea, so you don't have to worry about that with me

i love this post,its me to a teeim a very affectionate person n i hate feeling rejected.my last bf had problems with it off and on due to various things and i just hated it. we were together almost 14 months and it took a bit to get around to affection and kissing,it was great,n then he went through stuf and just didnt want to be affectionate with me,could barely hug me some days and it just upset me so much. he knew but he couldnt deal - n i did try the no affection thing to see how long it would take him...i gav up - he took his time