--WARNING, LONG-WHINDED POST AHEAD--
i really dont like myself as a person.
ive always been very insecure. i used to, a long time ago, have a lot of that mis-placed forced arrogance that vulnerable people use as a shield. this caused me to jump into situations dick first. i started high-school being well-spoken and wearing eyeglasses that went dark when you went outside. why? because i thought no-one would like me and i had to impress people. and that shows, not just because i was wearing insanely dorky glasses that got me made fun of and talking all fancy, but because it showed in the way i carried myself, and people hate that. hell, over the past few years people have forgotten. i talk like everyone else, and nobody brings the past up. maybe because they dont want to insult me or maybe because they have actually forgotten. in any case, im over my past, but im still not a different person entirely.
i always hear people say that people cant really change, or a leopard cant change its spots. etcetera.
but i dont wanna accept that,
i was hanging out with some people a few days ago. theres this one guy, and hes short. hes skinny, he has this thing where one eyelid kind of droops, making him look confused all the time. and he wears glasses. but hes so over-the-top confident, and so fun that you just want to talk to him. its like, he doesnt care what comes of his conversation with you. he makes you do most of the talking. and when similar people talk to him, they both talk for hours. i dont talk to him much because when we where friends i had the compulsive need to apologize obsessively for the slightest thing which would make anyone want to shoot you ( i think i either have attatchment issues or im just really, really annoying ) but i envy him for it. one quality i think i have is a knack for observation- one thing i think this guy really lacks. he always makes any girl he likes a really close friend, which i know isnt how you get a girl to like you, and ive seen him get hurt a lot for it. thats one quality i am glad i have, but i want to be fun. i really want to have that confidence, you know? and not just that confidence you get when you grow up, average confidence that allows you to make small talk with people at parties ( something i am no good at ) but i mean real confidence, the kind that makes people take notice instantly when you walk in a room, and the kind that people are really attracted to. im not confident though. when i walk into a room, i try to avoid being noticed. when people talk, i either get really shy for fear of being annoying and become boring or i talk too much and piss people off. i feel like the confidence that comes naturally to some people is something im going to have to learn to fake- and i know faking confidence is good because it gives you the eventual ability to feel real confidence, but i dont know how to fake confidence. i dont know how you can fake having lots of things to say, and i dont know how you can fake being fun. im also scared that if i became that guy, people wouldnt think of it as a change in me, theyd just be hesitant to warm up to me because i have the very bad habit of getting people to like me a lot and then scaring them off...especially with girls, but with guys too.
if you could be assed to read all of that, i will really appreciate your advice. im sure it will help.