I was at a party last friday, but I was really depressed so I didnt talk much. I had gotten depressed earlier that day for no particular reason. I thought I was just being quiet but I must have seemed actualy miserable as this guy came and asked me quietly if I suffered from a clinical depression, which I dont. I went off to the loos where I decided I wanted to self-harm. I had never done so before, and I think I was just curious in a way. I punched myself in the gut repeatedly until it was all sore. I then sat quietly for the rest of the party until my lift came and I went home. The next day my belly was all swollen and remains sore to this moment.
The next day I accidently locked myself out of my dad's house (in Salisbury, where I was staying). I could have bursed into tears, my dad was away for the weekend and I couldnt bare the thought of going to some mates house and explaining what happened. Possesing nothing but a substantial amount of money I decided I would just leave, abandoning everything I had brought with me. I actualy determined to go to Belgium, as crazy as it sounds. I just wanted to run away as far as possible. It didnt sound like too much of a challange at the time, I could afford the ferry at Dover and I could handle long walks. My dad rang me to see how I was doing while I was walking and I just said I was with friends in town. Alas I did not get to Dover. I had travelled well into the next county, through many hours of walking, but I was stopped my the police. I had gone over a vast amount of private property and apparantly people had complained. I was sent home and was back in Salisbury by late evening.
I was quite pleased with myself though. But I was talking to my mate later and he told me I was losing it and after he said this I havnt felt able to tell my other mates about my rediculous walk. Nor do I want to tell my mum or my dad cos it will sound silly, like I just fucked up, which is indeed true in regards to locking myself out. I also cant tell the councillor I finally acquired as he made some comments that made me uncomfortable and I am now applying for a different one. The pain in my stomache continually reminds me that I acted a fool. I dont really have any idea what I should do now. I mean I guess I can just get on with things, but I wish I had clarity. Knowing what caused my initial depression before the party would help, as that triggured the whole thing off.