For the longest time I had niether (Self-esteem & Self-confidence that is). It took a break-up with a girlfriend and a long process of healing before I could get that back.The girl came back, it was great in the beginning, then my self-esteem & self-confidence began to crumble and it is not really her fault at all. I had to put the brakes on it because I was being unfair to the relationship and I told her I needed time to work on myself.Thing is I know how to get my esteem and confidence back but I don't know how to keep it! Any helps?
Self-Esteem & Self-Confidence
What things are you good at / what things do you find interesting and fun to do?Find a job involving your skills, you can see them in action, if you apply yourself then you'll see results, and unless you find a really crummy working environment then you'll get some praise for your work.
I'm afraid thats not really an option at my stage in life. Any other suggestions?
You mentioned that you know how to raise your self-esteem and confidence, do you mind telling how you do this? Also, do you see anything that happens around the time when your self-esteem drops?
You need to fully evaluate yourself. Identify what makes you confident and what destroyes your confidence. then think about why. Then deal with why. I working through something similar with my councillor.Also look at your qualities and your faults. Regualrly remind yourslef of your qualities and build on them. Look at your faults, make an effort to to make them less pronounced if needed but dont forget everyone has faults and they shouldnt consume your life. Always remember your good aspects.Well done for having the guts to brake things off with your girlsfreidn while you sort yourself out. That shows you have strength of character and you can build on that. Good luck man
Well what gave me confidence and self esteem is when over time I got over my girlfriend and was happy about that. It was around that time that other women began to be attracted to me and I was in a great paying summer job at the time. I just didn't take things with chicks too seriously and enjoyed going out and having a good time.
What destroyed my self-confidence and self-esteem is when I got back to together with my girlfriend and over time it sorta went away. I was back at school surrounded by girls and they all had boyfriends. They seemed to have a more "normal" relationship and seemed to be happier together. We never went out, she didn't like to go out for a night. I took her out to lunch every now and then when she had breaks from work and I could walk from the Uni. I think it has a lot to do with feeling needed or desired. While she was a great girlfriend most of the time I knew she didn't find me great looking, but more just average. As well, she gets along well with guys and I have a jealous streak in me. I know she would never cheat but I guess I get jealous because she seemed to have had a better time with other guys then with me. And with those guys she did go out for the night (something she never did with me). Over time it left a lot of "what-if's" in the back of my mind. She said she didn't like to go out for a night with me because I didn't drive and we could never go anywhere. Thing is, she drives and has her own car. I'm at school and working a shit job. Most my money is tied up in investments leaving me with not enough to put a smart down payment on a car.
Oh and I guess a bit part of my jealously also comes from the FIRST time we broke up. Before we broke up she was friends with a guy and she was very open about how good looking this guy was (and yea I can honestly say he was a good looking guy). Soon after we broke up she was dating him. And again so many questions and doubts resurfaced, like "She always said she isn't attracted to him this way but now look!" or "It didn't take long for that to happen, was she lining him up even before we broke up?" That event was probably the biggest blow to my self-confidence in my life!
I know my qualities but my faults definitely stem from my own insecurities about myself (I'm a shorter guy who clean-cut and tends to dress trendier so I'm constantly being mistaken as gay, but I don't think I should have to change the way I am because other people do think I'm attractive and I am straight). I tend to be jealous when I feel the person I'm with enjoys their time more with other people then myself... which I guess also makes me selfish.
So there's the big long story lol. I was never mean or mad at my girlfriend at the time. I knew I was being jealous and I knew I often felt things that weren't true. When I told her we needed time apart I said I needed to work on my own shit not only to make it work with her but if I was to make anything work with any girl.
So that's my big long story! Lol any advice now?
please help me!!!
In reply to:
"True happiness is not to look for it"
This quote strikes at the very heart of our lack of happiness and content with ourselves. I've been doing some reading on him lately, and his work astounds me. He offers such simple advice, yet it rings so true and makes so much sense. It's simple enough to follow without confusion, and it's very practical. I've been trying to reorganize some of my thinking to be more positive, and his advice, summed up by this quote, is the best I've seen. I have a problem with depression and self-confidence and I constantly doubt myself and wish for things to be different. The reality is that things aren't too bad and the reason I keep feeling empty and like something's missing is because I don't recognize that enough. I could be content with who I am and the way I am, and by thinking that way I can attain what I want because I know longer feel hopelessly lost without it, therefore giving me the confidence to attain it.
Now there are other things, perhaps I am more depressed than the average person because of genetics, not unlikely since depression runs in my family, but to find ways of overcoming that is not impossible.
Sorry about not responding earlier, I forgot to tell the thingy to email me about new posts.
Honestly I have the same trouble with jealousy. Some things that my gf does with other guys make me horribly jealous, but I know that I do the same kind of thing with other girls, and I don't like them as anything more than friends, so I know my gf is telling me the truth and that I'm being stupid, and like you, I am trying to get over this.
I honestly don't know what exactly to tell you because I haven't found the cure for it yet. I do know that I have gotten better over this past year, but I'm still long aways from the exit. I know it's possible, but it'll take a long time.
Do you hang out with friends a lot? Or just a few times a week for just a couple hours at the most?
First, Thanks for the advice RobBob I'll have to look into that author.Second, in response to jstickman. I hang out with my guy friends like nearly every day. At school and after.Me and her wouldn't go out in public a lot, part of my jealousy because she goes out with other guys all the time. I do know she isn't romantically attracted to her but it still peeves me.
I was really thrilled by your post RobBob. It describes perfectly my inner feelings about me and my life and I really don't had an idea how I could escape from these thoughts. I really thank you for your information.In respond to Hyperion, I tried to understand the origins of your jealousy. My personal belief is that self-esteem may be the main cause, which ends to doubts about your girlfriend's trust. Also, her behaviour maybe provoked your jealousy, but she didn't do anything wrong after all. But I'd advice you to try hard to fight this thing. Jealousy is always a living hell for your partner and I'm sure you don't like to treat your gf that way.I wish I could help you with your self-confidence problem, because I also had the same one and I never got over it. If you can relate your self-confidence issue with a relationship, you have to gain some confidence from your partner. I preffered to trust my gf in the past and I never doubter her feelings for me. I know it's hard to trust someone else, but you have to make this step, if you like to get away from all this fears of cheating. If she wanted to find another man (and I really hope not), she'd do it either way, even if you were jealous or not and the results would be the same. You really can't restrain her and jealousy makes it even worse for you.The only thing that helps me with my self-esteem sometimes is to hear what my friends/relatives say about me. They can descibe sometimes yourself better than you and you simply have to trust them.
try different activites that you would not ordinarly do. Try pushing the boundaries. Your boundaries will be different to mine. Try things like Sport, bungy jumping, adventure sports etc. Setting goals and be happy that you achieve them.