Its back again....

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First of all, I am sure I am gonna rant, so to all of you who actually read this...THANKS!This is one of those, really truely don't know where to go with it sort of things for me.I have been sick for a week now, with somthing of a cold, the time change kicked in, and so is my depression. It seems to get worse in the winter, and I am affraid that it is gonna be worse this year living in this teeny trailer.The trouble is, I have painted myself into a corner as far as living arrangements, job, and all that.(I will explain that in a minute). The paint HAS to dry before spring this year, and I don't know that it will. I have made it through so much, but barely. For those who don't know already, here is the quicky version..At 16 I got married, 18 months later, had a kiddo. Became divorced with a 4 mo old. Remarried at 21, another baby. Diagnosed with graves desease, got better, got to college, royally screwed up my back, (my then 9 year old had to help me up off the toilet as I screamed),found out my husband was a total perve (sexual addiction-bigtime!) was raped by him, finally divorced. Found out he was messing with one of his kids, called him on it, had my house burned down (by him), became an alcoholic...Now for the good of it all...made wonderful new friends (though one committed suicide this time last year), rebuilt my house put it on the market, ex husband convicted, house finally sold, back pain subsided, drinking still, but lots less, and here I am living in a tiny (though brand new) travel trailer, on a ranch, rent free, working here for wages, and working to get my real estate license, in order to work for the same people who I "rent" from, and currently employ me.I am painted into a corner, because in a way, I depend on the "ranch" for SO much. I CAN go to work else where, and wouldn't be faulted, but if I go into a depression like I have for the last 4 years, I could lose it all this time, not just parts of it...One of the gals does NOT understand depression, nor will she try, at 65 I guess that is just the way she is gonna be. The other one has been depressed, but has made it out of it...and somewhat just expects me to do the same...life is good now, right?I am scared, and have SO many excuses...I AM going to call my doc and see if anti-depressants would be in order this year...again. I have spent years in therapy. Lotta good that did, now I have emotions...right and wrong, don't seem so clear when you have to consider your emotional responses. I am not talking about right and wrong towards other people, but clear paths for my life, kind of right and wrong.I have to be one of the luckiest people alive, I have lived through all of it, and in better shape than most. Anyone else would have lost their house to forclosure when they didn't make payments for 3 years, any one else would have just sat and cried when their home was burned, I was uninsured...anyone else would have moved back home till they could get it sorted out...not me. Not stubborn, sweet-talking me. I have not screwed anyone over in the process, I paid my late fees, and bought the beer for the volunteer builders, traded labor whatever to keep it "right". I DO beleive what goes around comes around.But what is with this depression thing? I mean, I have it made, really. I have a roof over my head that is fully paid for (as of 2 weeks ago YAY!) My bills are nominal, 30 bucks for electricity, 50 something for a phone, and I buy 15 galons of propane every 2 and a half months, feed us, cloth us, put feul in my car (which btw, gets 50 mpg most of the time, guaranteed 40). People would LOVE to have it like I do.I would just love to make something of it...I SHOULD be able to sock away almost 2k per month, I SHOULD be done with my realestate course but more importantly, I SHOULD be able to wake up to do more than cook for the kiddos, do the dishes, and play on the computer...I am not working today, by choice if you will, I wanna go over there, it's like a hundred yard walk to the building..but it's like I cant do it today I am still sick, coughing up a lung or something, but I won't go another day when I am not sick with a cold. The ick of the cold is just the excuse..I choose my own hrs, I choose my own projects, I am in charge of all of it....I could REALLY do something with this situation, but I am not.Its almost like I am content to "just survive"...but I am not, inside is screaming, but the body isn't moving...I hate it, and just wanna cry..which means more hiding out..I pick myself up to do what I HAVE to do, like work a whopping 20 hrs for the month...which covers the expenses, and I get some child support for one of my kids. We get by.I am excited, the opportunity is golden....and I cannot move. Does anyone have tips to help me make the teeny steps that depression requires? How do I force myself to do something that I don't HAVE to do? I mean, I cannot even promise that I will go to the doc...I should, but I don't HAVE to...I just don't get it....I don't get it at all. It's like I am just sad, and don't care when I should be happy and free.... Thanks for taking the time for the long read.

In reply to:It seems to get worse in the winterNorthern California seems a long way south for Seasonal Affective Disorder (where less light triggers depression), but it can affect some people more than others. Have you tried lights? It just involves reading by a bank of fluorescent lights for an hour or so a day.

A question back on that. Wouldn't going to tanning beds help if it was SAD? I was doing that a few years ago and it didn't help any. And, my bed is under 2 windows, I DO leave them open and sleep right through the sun shining in which is dawn till about noon..Still maybe not enough for me? My counselor was awesome...but for $70 bucks an hr, I can't afford to take it to her. I COULD if I didn't have this problem though...but then wouldn't need her, or you guys. I went through crap last winter too, got lots of help here, and got through another one...I thought once I dealt with the boyfriend and the house and all that, I would be better. Now I am wondering how much of it is me, after all, I am looking at life through a very poor lense right now. This is the first year, that there is NOTHING to cause it...I don't have a nuts boyfriend, no one has died, no divorce, not dealing with the house...all the stuff I thought could cause it, I have fixed.

SAD doesn't depend on ultraviolet light, nor on light on the skin. It depends on the amount of light actually in the (open) eyes.

Hmm...so those goggle things didn't let it in. Tomorrow I will be TRYING VERY HARD to wake up and enjoy my sun patch...just told my kiddos to go ahead and try to get me up in the morning.If it is SAD, maybe my window will help enough to get me on to getting lights before winter actually does set in...

Consuming alcohol can be a form of self-medication, and not a very good one. I know at least three people whose drinking was motivated by depression.You shouldn't beat yourself up for being depressed. It's not a moral shortcoming. When chronic, it's usually a physical thing, like a (here we go again) broken leg (I've beaten the hell out of that analogy). A couple of the people I mentioned were helped a lot by antidepressant drugs (as was my father).I hate to sound like a drug pusher, and I'm not saying that antidepressants are appropriate in every case of chronic depression, or that there are never side effects, but sometimes they are very helpful. Often they can be used sporadically, when needed. Also, if you have health insurance, the doctor visit and prescription may be covered.In any case, I wish you luck. There are a lot of people in the same boat, who aren't coping as well as you are.

here's something I've read about lately with winter depression... What's recently come to light (pun intended) is that vit D deficiency results in depression, anxiety, low energy and joint pain (D helps in the uptake of calcium). Now northern Cali and southern Ont are at the same lattitude and 3 weeks ago, the rays of the sun here became officially too weak to produce vit D naturally until the spring. I had no idea that this actually happens.What they are recommending is a minimum 1000IU of D every day during the winter. I started last week, we'll se how it goes.The other thing baby is that you have come through so much and I think you're doing better than you think. After all, if you re-read your synopsis of your past hell, it shows your underlying sence of humour by it's matter-of-fact point form presentation. Maybe it's just me because I know you and I know the story so it has no further shock value to me and I practically hear your voice saying "yeah yeah, then this happened and that happened yada yada"I dunno, Maybe I'm crazy... but I love ya baby!

I noticed in another thread that you have experience with antidepressants, so sorry about being redundant. Did you find that they were helpful? (Sometimes they need "tuning" to be effective...it's not always easy to find the best one and the best dose.)

Darlin when you feel ill, EVERYTHING is 100% worse than what it really is.........just what you need when your feeling crap huh!You have been through so much hon, just reading that back shows that you're a strong lady and you can pretty much cope with anything, and this is no different.........the change of season affect a lot of people, whether they sink into depression, suffer fro SAD or just feel a little fed up, the onset of winter seems to do strange stuff to us......my uncle suffers from SAD and found having a UV lamp worked, not sure the ins and outs of that, but i would be easy to find out about.I have felt very, not me lately, unmotivated, unenthused by most things, pissed off with myself etc etc, and have been doing the hiding away thing lately and not answering the fone to most people ..........but it doesn't solve anything and eventually hon you have to take a hold of yourself, (as you have done in the past) and get out there and LIVE life, not just exist.I have to say that Antidepressants for me turned out to be a life saver, and tho i tell anyone and everyone i take them (cos they always see this happy fun outgoing person and can't beleive someone like me would need them) i still get people who think that taking AntiD's are wrong blah blah blah..........as helms said life is too short to be unhappy, so get some, take some, feel better!!!! or i will nag and nag and nag LOLcuddles life isn't always easy honey and sometimes it gets us down, but things change, always, for the better at some point.......

Helms, thanks man. I have done alot, last year was hell, and lots of people here helped, you included.

SteveA, Thanks for the broken leg annalogy! lol, it saved me a bit of reading as I have seen it before. I know all about the self medicating, we talked about it last year, and I did some arguing as a defiant little child would, last year I WAS in alot of physical, and emotional pain. Though I was fighting it, I was still cutting back, cause I knew you guys were right. My friend committed suicide, alcohol was a leading factor in it. HUGE wake up call, when it finally sunk in. Still a struggle, and so is not smoking. If I can kick one completely, the other will surely fallow, as for me, they ARE a deadly combo.

Mr U, thanks for being along for my ride. I have to check my milk carton, they do put Vit D in milk for that very reason, wonder if it's enough. Keep me posted on how your deal goes. Oh ya, and gimme some guilt if I am caught crying in a beer again OK!? Love ya too.

Angel, *hugs* you have had a tough go, and here you are helping out. Wonderful! I know it will get better, it always has...infact it is pretty predictable I guess. Come spring I will have another flower for an avatar. I just don't want another lousy winter.

I feel it setting in. I don't want it too. You all have good points, I don't have my life cleaned up as well as I first was feeling. At least, if work on "cleaning my system" antidepressents if needed are probably gonna benefeit me much more this go around...

This year is different...in the fact that jenn does not cry..and I am bawling off the handle at stupid shit, last night at this board as a matter of fact...very different. Post partum was the only time I cried at dumb stuff like that....

I will keep in touch as to how it is going.

Personally hon i think crying if and when you need it is VERY good for you............when i cry to makes me feel 10 times better LOLYou'll get through it hon, and come out smiling, and maybe we could all think of things to do, during the dark nights to make things a little less depressing?

I can think of ALL kinds of things...but I have been single since, OMG January! WOW......till now, 2 weeks max! I knock one off once in a while, but no steady thing...Must find that boa...

Hon, I just want to say that I think you are an increadibly strong and amazing woman. You've been delt some very hard and painful blows in your life and yet you're still going strong and baby, I admire that inner spark within you. I am a firm believer that everything that happens to us is for a reason, even when we never know ourselves what that reason is. You're stronger than what you're giving yourself credit for hon, you are a surviver, and even though things look a little on the dark side right now it will get better. There is light at the end of the tunnle hon, you just have to be willing to walk towards it and fight for it. Go to the doctor, get the help you need sweetie... do it not only for yourself but for your children also sweetie, they need you to do this too! I know how bad depression can be, I deal with it too, but sweetie you've got to stand up and fight it. Go to the doctor hon, and if you ever need someone to talk to you know I'm here hon! I wish you all the best luck in the world! ^_^ hugs

Well here we go. I am gonna give the ST Johns wart a try, my dr says that there is nothing wrong with it, except that he thinks it might be too mild. At least that is what he told me last year when I was in for my check up...I did REALLY well with the antidepressents for about 3 to 4 months at a time...which is almost perfect for winter. HOWEVER, with out having someone here to let me know, I will get to where nothing matters, and I am happy about it. I would prefer to be pissed about it, at least that induces change. So, I can use the ST johns wart, be able to tell at least one gal on the ranch about it (she is SO into natural stuff) and she will help with making sure I am ok.I have used it for REALLY mild depression, and it starts to work in about 5 days. So wish me luck!! BTW, I had 2 pretty good days in a row. Not AS productive as I would have liked, but I got outta the house, did laundry friday...then yesterday, grocery shopping, then more shopping (I don't like shopping so the more thing is a big deal) then dinner and 2 movies THAT I STAYED AWAKE FOR!!!

NIH on St. John's wort.(The federal government has been sponsoring serious research on alternative medicine through the NIH's National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine.)

Thanks Steve..I pretty much read all that over and over...I cannot see it as something NOT worth a try. Side effects are very simmilar to the AD's that I took..I DID make a huge call tonight...but it didn't start out that way..Good or bad, I requested the AA book from a friend...who recently celebrated her 18th sobriety birthday..Not sure about meetings, but may very well be headed that way. Something has to change...good is in there, just not OUT there near enough in me...