First off, I usually would not post this, but I honestly am totally confused...My GF and I (Were both 22 years old, dating for 3 years) had a rather frank discussion, and I found out that she was having casual sex with another guy for 6 months into our relationship, when she went to her old home city. This dosn't bother me so much as her statements afterwards. She said that she dosn't go there (the city) anymore, and can't go over to his place, because she dosn't feel like she has the "self-control"....my mind adds this to that text, "because he is better than you"Honestly, why else would she be unable to control herself if he wasn't a hell of a lot better at sex/oral than I am?Finding out she was sleeping with him for the first 6 months of our relationship didn't really anger me, she started before I knew her...but the fact that she states she CAN NOT CONTROL HER URGES IF SHE IS WITH HIM, due to his apparent superiority; makes me feel like shit. I've never wanted to break up with her more than now; if for nothing else she she can continue to enjoy his superior abilities.I could really use some help, I'm usually very decisive, but this one....ah hell, I don't know what to do.
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Relationship issue (cheating etc)
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I should add she refused to answer me why she can't control herself around him...I'm only making assumptions; but that's all I can do for now.I'm excessily angry not because she can't control herself, I just want to know why.I figure when she calls tonight, I'll have to make a threat "Tell me why you can't control yourself around him, or our relationship ends now" I figure if she can't answer me, she can't be honest; so why would I waste my life on a liar?I've had to drag numerous things out of her that she wouldn't tell me about. She feels uncomfortable about even talking about her fantasis, a pretty basic issue with couples. She even tells me she can lie to me, no problem (as if bragging) and that she decieves because thats the way she is...
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Welcome to AfraidToAsk, Hawker23.In a way, the fact that she stays away from him is a form of self-control anyway, but the fact that she tells you that suggests she is lacking in empathy.I don't think, myself, that couples should have to tell each other their fantasies. I know some people believe couples should have no secrets at all from each other, but I think that sort of glasshouse living is unsustainable.But this relationship doesn't seem in a healthy state.
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Unless you're prepared to have an open relationship, where either of you can sleep with whomever you want, there's no way that your relationship will work. Even when a couple has a frankly open relationship, often one person will resent what the other person is doing. I suspect that in "open marriages", the idea is pushed more by one, and the other follows along.I'd bet good money that your girlfriend will have serial affairs...indefinitely. Keep in mind that the risk is not just to your relationship, but also to your health.
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Thank you for your quick replys, Steve and Ineligible....they are powerful words from veterens before (I have been part of ATA since about 2002-3, but I lost the damn user name and password, lol)Seriously though, I really appreciate it. She did claim that she hasn't seem him since that sixth-month period (So 2 1/2 years free)She called today, and she stated that she would be able to control herself, unless she was drinking, in which case her "inhabitions" would be lower. This worries me not only to the fact that she would still do it....it's also because she is starting to sound like her MOTHER (A convicted drunk driver, major drug offenses, finishes off a 24 of beer everyday, smokes, shoots up, cheats, is violent. ETC) I really thought she was different (Since she had disowned her mother, in every form, nearly 8 months ago) Apparently, I am wrong.We also talked about the issue of this former lover, and what she said (Remember, I'm not mad she did it, I'm not even mad that she would give into him...I mad because she won't tell me why [thus I don't know what to work on]) I aksed if he gave her better oral sex, vaginal sex, even vaginal orgasams, if he had a bigger penis, or if he was sexier than I am (She claims to have never had an orgasam outside of oral sex) She told me that that is not true...that she did it with him becasue it was good (Not as good as me...she claims) and that they had sex a lot when she was there.She says she wouldn't now because she loves me; I feel less angry than I did last night, but something is still clicking in my head; something I can't quite let go of. Maybe I'm unique, but I don't feel hurt or angry at what she or any else says to me...I'm angry and hurt because she is NOT saying something to me. I just want to know, why is he better? What a waste, 3 years gone; all of this mess could have been avoided had she just answered that question. I don't know what I'm going to do.
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Hawker, you seem rather demanding, yourself. Why someone is attracted to someone else, even for occasional sex, can't always be explained. It's probably much more to do with personality than physical attributes - perhaps just a change from your own.
On the question of her mother, it's always worth bearing in mind that while she is different from her mother, there will be some personality traits in common. A tendency to alcoholism and drug abuse can be inherited - it doesn't mean people will go that path, but the temptation is stronger. -
She never had a relationship with her outside of a sexual one. Also, at the time (in fact up to 9 months into our relationship) her and were not sexually involved. (I guess I was one of those odd guys with the hope of holding out till marriage...too bad it feels so good, lol)
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Posted as a new topic