What should I do

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I don't know exactly where to start, but in elementary school I wasn't liked very much. I was bullied a little, but not too horribly I don't think. I think I'm at least a little hyper sensitive and have been since I was a kid. Elementary school caused me a lot of stress when I was little, and summer after 5th grade, I lost both of my grandfathers, one of which was the person I think I loved most in the world at the time. I also witnessed my grandmothers dog get run over in front of my house.In 6th grade things seemed alright, but I was trying hard to make or be accepted by freinds. When it seemed like I was beggining to be the 'loser' or the 'weirdo', I became mute, and reclusive. I would talk outside school with people who didn't go to my school. But I was always shy, only now I was extremely shy. I remained this way through high school. Now I'm in college and I'm still shy, but at least I talk normally and I have pretty good freinds. Some people that went to my high school go to my college, and when i pass by them, I feel ashamed, and I become shy again. I'm not crazy, I've never done drugs and I don't drink. When I don't feel ashamed of myself I feel numb. Sometimes I'm happy, but it's never for myself, it's usually marvelling at how pretty the sky is or how nice the weather is, and it still is a numb happiness. I've had urges to finally talk to the people from my high school and tell them I'm sorry for not talking to them, but I feel too ashamed to bring myself to do it. They probably all thought that I was crazy, and I don't want to be selfish and put them in awkward situations by breaking down in front of them.None of my current freinds know what kind of person I was before college, but it's not like I know who they were in high school.Recently I've been tempted to cut myself, I've never done it before, but it's tempting. If I wasn't afraid of my family or freinds finding out I would have probably done it already. Can anyone in the world relate to how I'm feeling?

Welcome to AfraidToAsk, Evan jp. I was never quite the same as you, but I know a little of that numbness. It's a sort of protection - don't feel too much and you won't get hurt. Usually it doesn't work very well and the cure is worse than the disease.You've moved on from those difficult times. It doesn't help now to be over-ashamed of what you did then. You did them for reasons, and whether it was right then or not, you're moving forward now.People often change between school and college anyway, so you won't seem strange for opening up more now.

Thank you for replying. It means a lot to me. I think you're right about the numbness mechanism, although I never think I do it consciously. Now I'll try not to do it.I can try harder to move on now. Thanks for your advice and acknowledgement. Again, it means a lot to me..

Yes, I don't think it's conscious. The brain can do things subconsciously as a result of psychological stress and trauma to try to minimise future stress.You sound like a really nice person, Evan jp.

Thanks. You've been really nice too with helping me out. Knowing that I can talk to someone about this kind of stuff without them calling me crazy or weird makes me feel a whole lot better.

I just spent about an hour on the web searching to see if I was alone in how I behaved while growing up. I wasn't expecting anything, but I finally found a site that contained an analysis of selective mutism. I think it could be very well what I experienced. I was shy in general, but was only really mute in school, and it was my way of dealing with stress. I found out that selective mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder, and can be caused at least partially by past traumatic events. I didn't think anyone was like this. Whether I actually had this or not, my behavior was certainly similar.I have become extremely sad since reading this and have cried.

I really appreciate your comments.Things are ok right now I guess. I'm studying music (piano) and it's fun for the most part. I have no idea what I want to do in the future. Lately school has been really stressful, and I can't take much of a break.I've never had a personal relationship before, and although I know one girl likes me and wants to get to know me, I'm afraid of relationships. Plus, she went to the same elementary and high school as I did. It's hard to find courage to speak clearly with her, because I don't want to get up to speak with her be all wierd because i'm nervous.I've made it a fairly long way from before, but I still have so many kinks to work out it feels like.

Thank you so much. You're words are truly uplifting. I realise now that I should focus on the present more. I feel more powerful over my situation than I did before I came to this forum. You really have helped me a lot.

"Plus, she went to the same elementary and high school as I did"

Well if this girl likes you, and she went to the same elementary and high schools, then dosent it follow that you musnt have quite the odd reputation you think you had?

I've sent you a pm honey, xx.