JOKES

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this place needs jokes to cheer the depressed... anyone got good jokes?

1. humpty dumpty sat on a bed, little bo peep was giving him head, when he came, she started to weep. She knew by the taste he'd been screwing her sheep
2. there once was a mouse named kieth
   who circumcised men with his teeth
   not for the leisure or the sexual pleasure,
   but for the cheese he finds underneath
   3)old mother hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor doggy a bone
   as she bent over, the doggy came over and gave her a bone of his own.
   Please joke generously for the depressed....

uhhhm, lets seeIf a canadian is in the kitchen, a frenchman in the livingroom and an American in the bedroom, wha tare you in the bathroom? European!

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.Noticing this, a policeman stops her ...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...". "Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!""Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?""Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: "$20 or off it comes!""Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?""Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a
big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and
tossed it into the hole and stood listening for
the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.

He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a
deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and
listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger
rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole
and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound.
Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and
maybe they should throw something even bigger
into it.

One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up
the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the
hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a
sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running
like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped
straight into the hole. The men were amazed.

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the
woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One
man told the farmer of the incredible incident they
had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly
out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole.
The man asked the farmer if this could have been his
goat.

The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he
was chained to a railroad tie."

Why Parents DrinkThe boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees aboutan urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee'shome phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."Ok, I'm done, for now.

A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?”“Why? Was I weaving all over the road?” the man answered.“No,” replied the policeman, “you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.”**************A man breaks into a rich widow's house. He runs into her and yells, "Where's all your money old lady?"She explains that she never keeps any money in the house. He gets agitated and grabs the woman by her hands and starts to frisk her. "I know you have money old lady. Where is it?" yells the man.The old lady replies, "Well, if you keep frisking me right there, I will tell you!"***************Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?A: There are no dental records and all the DNA's the same! *********The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold."No," the inmate said, "just get it over with.""Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."***********One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice. Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?""Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."*************There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."*******There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on."What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host."A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!" ok ill stop now. when i find more ill post em. MWA to you hunni XOx

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!""Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then." *************A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?""Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47," Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".*************A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."***************A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S & M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "This is what I found in your son's closet."He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "So what are we going to do about this?"Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."*****One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?""I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones."Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin."Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones."God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin."Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!""Amen," replied the congregation.******A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. Henoticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a storyas hewas putting on his surgical gloves..."Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?""No," she said."Well," spoofed the dentist, "down in Mexico they have this bigbuilding set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are allpickedaccording to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dipstheir hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets upanddries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throwthem into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all overagain."The old woman just sat there and didn't laugh a bit!Five minutes later, during the procedure, the dentist had to stopcleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about howthey must make condoms!"

A young man walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, you have to help me! My penis is too small!". The doctor explains carefully that it's quite a usable size, but the man won't be convinced, and says if it can't be made bigger, he's going to kill himself.

"Well," says the doctor, "there is a new experimental operation. They graft on a baby elephant's trunk." "I'll do it!", says the man.

He has the operation, and it's a complete success. There it is, swinging below his knees. To celebrate, he has lunch with his girlfriend at a restaurant.

"I'll show her what it can do", he thinks. There's the usual stale bread roll on a plate to his left, so suddenly, to his girlfriend's amazement, his penis comes out of his pants, grabs the bread roll, and disappears back in again.

"Wow!" she says. "That was amazing! Do it again!"

"No, I won't do it again."

"Why not? Why won't you do it again?"

"Well," he says, "I'm not sure that my anus will take another bread roll."

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?""Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.""Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error."But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks."Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

bad joke competition eh???When do hamburgers most enjoy watching TV?During prime time What baseball team do the meat pattes root for?The New York Meats!What did the hamburgers say to the butcher who acted on a TV show?"Welcome back, Cutter!"

U2's Bono is performing at a concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet.Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence: "Fookin' stop doin' it then!"

HEE HEE great Joke Helms...Mary Poppins stayed at a posh hotel overnight, and has cauliflower cheese and eggs all dressed up nice and fancy like all posh places... well anyway, in the morning, the manager asked her to sign the visitors book... what she wrote read..."super-cauliflower-cheese-but-eggs-were-quite-attrocious"hee hee, I thought it was funny anyways lol