Hey guys, I'm new here. I've been having problems with this same shit, and It's ruining me and getting mentaly drained. I'm so drained, I actualy had no answers, and searched and found this site. Here's a little about about me being too nice, and I'm speaking out of frustration.I have that mark of being the nice guy, but also that good looking guy. In school I was voted best looking, and the most friendliest. I have a good personality, and I'm easy to talk to. My problem? too nice.I have a girlfriend, who is also gets walked all over on. Our conversations are mostly about other people and how she/me can help them out. Recently, I've been having big problems with this. She literally cares about people way too much than she cares about our relationship. Her friends insist they hangout ever weekend, even though they see each other all the time. But she just goes along with it because she doesn't want to hurt everyones feelings. My response to this? Tell her what she needs to hear. I say stuff like "ok babe,you gotta go with your friends, please them" We are 6 months into this relationship, and the sexual part of it is non existent. Just because of her way, I feel I can't make any moves and I worry about what she will think. Another part thats getting to me is, we only hangout twice a week. She's always busy with school/friends, and I'm busy with work and training. But here's the kicker. We are always free from 7:00 on, and nothing major gets in the middle, but we only do something on the weekends, and go a good 4-5 days straight without seeing each other.I want a real relationship, but my niceliness, if that's a word, gets in the middle of it. I feel I can't express no matter how hard I try, and feels I will never. Also, she told me last night "maybe it's good we don't see each other everynight, because we'd get sick of each other."This made me feel completly like shit, and I replied "I agree"Not only is this problem of me not expressing occur with my g/f, but with family/friends also. I am afraid of hurting people's feelings, and losing the respect.I'm sick of being nice, and I'm turning into satan inside me brain, and It won't be pretty once I let it out, if I ever.Anyone else in the same situation???????
-
RE: Too nice..
-
Quote:This made me feel completly like shit, and I replied "I agree"I know this feeling, and this where it gets bad. In order not to upset anyone, you lied.The first thing you have to do is recognise that this was NOT a good thing to do. You deceived your gf about how you were feeling. You also disrespected yourself. You weren't "too nice" - you did what was easiest for you even though it wasn't the right thing to do.Once you recognise that rather than doing good you are doing bad, you can start changing. It will take courage, but it can be done.
-
I have said this before in other posts scattered in this forum, but I feel I should share it with you.In this life, we cannot please everyone we encounter. Even benevolence to one can spark jealousy in another.You are treading in a dangerous way of conducting yourself, friend. Though selflessness may seem good, neglecting your self is destructive. I think this is the reason why you are searching for some answer, some help, something to grasp on to that will make things better.My philosophy on the siutation is this. By being unhappy in your situation, you hold negative energy. Unknowingly, this negative energy effects your entirety. Perhaps you won't sleep as well. Perhaps people have been asking you, "What's wrong" if your no longer able to mask your self. By holding negative energy, you're exerting that negative energy onto others even if you don't know it.We must become happy with who we are. If we maintain a positive force within ourselves, this on its own will do all that are around you some kind of good.Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your girlfriend. Not pleasing everyone all the time is not selfish. If others do not understand why you need time for your self and judge you badly for it, then it is their fault for judging. We must be our own person, not the person that people want to mold us to be.
-
Thanks for the responses, I appreciate it. Once I read the reply,I understand I have to change my ways, which I'm in the progress of doing as I'm typing. I hope things can change. Thanks.
-
Ah, you are in what I like to refer to as "the rut of lies".I used to suffer awfully from this, but in my new "couldn't care less" attitude it's much better.The problem: You feel that you have to go along with whatever she says, because you feel that if you speak your opinion, she will up and leave because "you don't love her anymore" or something along those linesThe reality: Girls don't like a guy to agree with everything that a guy says. It makes for a boring relationship - the same goes for guys too. Things can get very dull very fast if you show the same opinions all the time, even if it's ones that you strongly oppose.My examples: Just before xmas I was rejected by a girl. One of her passions was music, in particular heavy metal. Now I also quite like heavy metal, but I like it to be melodious at least. She, however, was more into the thrash/death noise metal that makes me want to claw my own face off in the hopes I can insert it into my ears.She would listen to a song and I would inside be hoping that one can ingest one's own intestines as a form of entertainment, and when she asked if I enjoyed it, I would fake a smile and say "yeah, this is awesome". In reality I'd rather listen to an elephant vomit.Now aside from making me endur all sorts of CRAP I'd rather not have to (not just music, but food and TV and everything) it also made her bored because I had no opinions of my own. She rejected me because I was too boring.The solution: Speak your mind. If you don't like something, just say it. If you have trouble, the reason is you're overthinking what you are trying to say. The only way I am moving forwards is to not overanalyse everything. This is a problem I suffer from all too much. If someone asks me out for a night of heavy drinking and debauchery, usually I would play the night out in my head, and worry about how I would get travel, and what could go wrong. I doomed myself and would either refuse to go, or have a miserable time.Instead I just say yes and worry about any issues as they come.You should do the same.Tell her you want to see her more. If she says no, then she's not willing to make it work and you know where you stand. And she'd better have a good reason for it else you're better off elsewhere.Heed my advice and your life shall be bountiful with treasures...or at least that's what you can imagine!