I have a friend who whines and complains about how he hates his life, which involves doing what he wants to do (fly planes) and having everything that he wants so far. Unfortunately, all he wants is to marry and have kids, fuck everything else. He's getting on everybody's nerves and we're all telling him to go to the counselor on campus (which is free) and he won't. He obviously needs help. I've talked to him about it and told him every reason why he needs to just relax, slow down, finish college, get a career, and then start considering kids. He says that I am "not logical" and he doesn't care. I've asked him why his "logic" is better and he has no reasons. I've asked him about how he is going to afford raising his kids, or what happens if he and his wife divorce or break up and he says he doesn't care. He will actually look me in the eye and honestly tell me that he doesn't care about the general welfare of his future kids. I am deeply disturbed by this, and he can't see what is wrong with it.His physical health is also really fucked up. He eats nothing but fast food and sugar and he's always complaining about how he feels like crap (he's 20 and grossly overweight). He groans in his sleep and everyone tells him that he looks sick all the time. My friends and I all tell him to see the campus doctor (also free) and get a checkup. Unfortunately, the doctor would just tell him to eat healthy, and that will just motivate him to eat even worse.I'm about to just hire several strongmen to hog tie him and chain him into the bed of my truck. Then I'll just have the counseling sessions take place in the parking lot.Does anyone know how to get someone like this to actually seek help?I know, some people will say just let him live his life, but I can't stand by and watch people's lives be destroyed by him.
-
Getting Stupid People to Help Themselves
-
There's no way to force people to do the right thing by themselves until they become certifiable, unfortunately. Forced counselling is usually of little benefit, since the person won't trust the counsellor.There is probably a lot behind his behaviour, and unless the root of the problem is addressed, the rest will remain. It may perhaps just be depression, but I suspect there is more. There must be some reason why he is so set on a wife and family as his emotional saviour.However, he is not going to open up and reveal things in an adversarial situation. To be of use, you (or someone else) would have to gain his trust. It would be a very slow process.
-
Originally Posted By: ImBob
I'm about to just hire several strongmen to hog tie him and chain him into the bed of my truck. Then I'll just have the counseling sessions take place in the parking lot.
Hey Bob,
I really started to get a "Oh this is getting me hard" kind moment when I read this part of your post. I had all kinds if ideas run thru me head. Rawr!
seriously though, I'm not sure you can help him. A lot of people like this just need to let things take their course. If I were in your shoes, I would stop trying so hard and just act like you don't care anymore what he does to the point where he's gonna wonder why you don't treat him the same way anymore. then you can say if he doesn't care what happens to himself, then neither do you. Why should you? I know you do but a little reverse Psychology sometimes works on people like this...
can't hurt to try right?
-
Originally Posted By: ImBobI'm about to just hire several strongmen to hog tie him and chain him into the bed of my truck. Then I'll just have the counseling sessions take place in the parking lot.Does anyone know how to get someone like this to actually seek help?I know, some people will say just let him live his life, but I can't stand by and watch people's lives be destroyed by him. I have encountered people exactly like this where you just want to shake the hell out of them until they somehow come out "normal." But after a while, you realize that there are hundreds out there exactly like this, especially while you're in college. I mean my university has 70,000+ students, so I am always bound to have a couple around me at anytime.In the end, you're just beating a dead horse with these people. Some end up learning, some don't. It is unfortunate, but how I have come to see it, there are winners and losers everywhere. Yes, it is a very harsh thing to hear and say, but that is the truth. In our society, we cannot all be winners, or more than 6 feet tall, or have 200+ IQs, or whatever. Some have to inevitably fail. If a person eventually turns him or herself around and becomes a "winner" in life, then congrats. If they fall, then someone in society will undeniably benefit from it.Being able to think deeply and have complex emotions is our curse as much as it is our strength. Where many animals only have to worry about the basics of life such as food, water and shelter, we have to also worry about our mental state as well. If he does manage to get some kind of a naive woman and have kids, it isn't the end for them either. Plenty of people obviously succeed from broken homes. Plus even if they don't, they will unfortunately end up on the worse side of society for the "winners" to benefit from. Again, I realize how cold and harsh that sounds, but these people are necessary for our society to continue on.Personally if I were you, I would not associate with this individual as much. I wouldn't cut contact off completely, but seeing the road he is taking, in my experience he can only mean trouble and you certainly don't want to fall down the drain with him.
-
Disclaimer: I admittedly am very jaded on this topic.
If someone doesn't want you help the best thing to do is to walk away. You have to think about your own Number 1, and that is yourself. Over the years I have tried to be that savior on several occasions. In the end you become frustrated, your frustration (for lack of a better word) will make you appear too be a douche bag. You can try and persuade someone to get help as much as you'd like, but ultimately they need to get to that point on there own, and unfortunately by constantly supporting that person and pushing them to get help, they may feel they already have support because they know they can count on you, and frankly thats unfair.
Personally I am a fan of being rational. One of my biggest pet peeves is the irrational nature of human behavior. Your friends through process doesn't seem to be thought of with a rational thought process. All you need to say is what you already have, tell him in order to reach his goals of having a family there are a few preliminary steps he needs to take first, like his education, a career, etc. After that his is really on his own and it is not your burden.
-
As with Most people, most people know someone like this friend of yours. Some people are just unwilling to get off their arses and expect life to just work itself out and fall into their hands.Life is far from easy and until you finish College/Uni you really don't realise how hard and harsh it can be until you are doing everything for yourself. It is amicable that you want to help, as with others with similar mates like this, I have tried to help them but they either make excuses or just don't want to act. They are lazy, lack motivation. There will undoubtedly be undelying issues that would need to be sorted before you could even start to consider the big picture.Also, just wanting to settle down and have a family is a fair aspiration in life. Not everybody wants a big career or see the world, they just want a family. Nothing wrong with that, we all have different dreams and no dream is better than another, we all have different ideas on what we want from life.Bottom line, he is your friend. Don't worry about his life, worry about your own. When he sees you and your other friends making their way in the world, no doubt he'll look in the mirror and reaslise he needs to pull his finger out...
