Situation #1 - Family

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So I've got a couple of things on my mind that I'm scrappling with trying to figure out how to approach. Thought some of you might have some thoughts.

So I've got a younger brother and a sister-in-law. They've got two amazing kids. Jeremy is 3 and Kalli is 20 months. They're a hoot and I love being around them and being Uncle Damien. Freakin amazing!

So I have to admit that my sis-in-law is not the best parent in the world. That bugs me. The kids spend more time at my parents than at their own home. And my sis-in-law absolutely does not want to be alone with the kids any more than possible. My brother does it quite often and enjoys it. Her...she tries to find ways to not have to be alone with both of them (one time she even said she couldn't handle both of them by herself) and when she has to, she ends up being in a mondo cranky bitchy mood by the time my brother gets home.

So here's the situation. There is this big Demolition Derby at the fairground this weekend. It's a fundraiser for the Relay for Life, which is a Breast Cancer awareness/cure organization. I thought about going cause it's something to do. And there's usually nothing to do. So this afternoon my brother calls me. Asks what I'm doing Saturday night. At first I thought he was gonna ask me to go to the derby with him. Nope. He is on the volunteer fire department and said he was scheduled to work at the event. But the sis-in-law wants to go. But they don't think they need to take the babies, which is probably a good idea. Would I want to watch them that night. But here's the thing. He said if I couldn't, no big deal, he would stay home with them. How much sense does that make?!? He said (and we all know) that if she wants to do something, he's supposed to make it happen or there's hell to pay. If he has something to do...well, you know she can't handle a 3 year old and a 1 year old by herself. They asked my parents but they are out of town next weekend.

So here's the dilemma. I could care less if I don't go to the derby. In fact, I actually thought about getting Jeremy for a couple of hours Saturday. So I told my brother I would keep them for a few hours, but not all night. But that's probably not gonna be enough for her. If it were just Jeremy, I would keep him all night. I know...I'm rambling. But my question is, how would you handle this situation? I really wanna call my brother and tell him he needs to feel his balls and tell his wife that he has to work and if she wants to go, she needs to arrange for a babysitter. It's just stinking ridiculous. I know this really isn't my thing to worry about...not my wife, not my kids...but I know that if she doesn't get what she wants, or has to take care of the kids by herself, she's gonna be hell to live with.

Basically, I'm sick of this crap. How involved should I be in the situation, if at all?

well its a dangerous situation, if you tell him to take his balls out of hiding and stand up to his seemingly crap wife, theres a possibility itll come back to bite you hard, either he would take offense or she would and make him do something, and having him go to the derby because of his work and leaving her to watch them, like you said;doesnt sound like a good ideaso whilst the most hopeful situation would be to get her to grow up and take care of her own friggin kids without throwing a hissy fit, smartest would probably be you doing the caretaking, if not a babysitter, or both,either that or him doing it, because it doesnt sound like she'd be best to take care of them either way

I would keep the kids that night. However, I would talk to your brother and your sister-in-law together as soon as possible and tell them that you are not their full-time baby sitter and that they need to spend more time with their kids. You can back that up by putting your foot down and saying no. They will be upset with you, but in the long run, they'll look back and understand. Your situation could be worse. My sister and my brother-in-law dumped their 6 year old son on my mother and she is practically raising him with NO help from them--financially, emotionally, etc. They rarely see him and they don't even send money for food. They only see him on the weekends (if they even show up). He's constantly calling their cell phones, but he always gets their voice mails. They don't ask him about school or help him with his school work. They don't even look in his bookbag to see if he has homework.I'm not trying to minimize your situation; I'm just trying to point out that it could be worse.

Quote:However, I would talk to your brother and your sister-in-law together as soon as possible and tell them that you are not their full-time baby sitter and that they need to spend more time with their kids. You can back that up by putting your foot down and saying no. They will be upset with you, but in the long run, they'll look back and understand. see that would be good except, with the way he made her sound, she might just eject him from their lives or the kids, either causing strife when and if his brother speaks out against it (i dont really know your brother) or if another situation like this comes up and she has to watch them, because she doesnt sound very adept at childcare

You both make good points.I didn't meant to make it sound like they dump the kids on me a lot. I've never actually babysat for them. I've taken them out for some uncle time occasionally, but I've always initiated that. They do, however, take advantage of my parents. My parents are their full-time babysitters.I could easily have the "feel your balls" talk with my brother. He listens to me and respects me. That would be the easy part.I don't believe at all that the sister-in-law (who I actually like, believe it or not) would intentionally eject any of our family from the kids' lives. She adores our family. She got squat for parents so she loves being around our family. But she would make life hell for my brother if she knew I or anyone else said anything.Thanks again.

I am wondering if there is someone who can watch the 20 month old, and you buy some ear plugs, and take the 3yr old with you.

It is alot of work, but tons of fun, for kids that age to go to an event like that!

Then you wouldn't be "putting" anyone out, AND you would get to do a cool thing with your nephew.(I hope I got that right, but 3 is 3 and they LOVE the cars!)

Just tell your bro, that you have plans, and would love to incorporate the older kiddo into them. Tell him, that you hope that helps him out.

Remember, you don't always have to catch the ball....

Hopefully I am awaken enough to make a coherent post :wink:

I'll just get to the meat and potatoes of it. If you think your brother will hear you out, than perhaps take him out to dinner or a drink and have a casual conversation about what's going on. But I have to be honest with you Damien; it might not be worth the headache. I'll give a brief example; about a year ago my mother had a talk with one of her children (my oldest brother) about how she felt his wife was treating her, which was poorly. She felt she could talk to him and explain how she feels without any problems. Well it really blew up BIG time. They went almost a year without talking; it went throughout the family where my two sisters weren't talking to my brother and if there was "talking" between them it was fighting. Hell I knew better and stayed out of the mess!

Basically what I am trying to say is even though you might think it's a minor issue, the person on the other end might take it as something hugely personal. You just need to ask yourself "Is it worth it in the long run?" I can tell you my mother in hindsight wishes she wouldn't have said a word because it made the situation worse where now her daughter-in-law still will not talk to her.

I'm not saying you should watch the children to appease your sister-in-law so she doesn't make your brother miserable, that's something you have to decide for yourself if you think it's going to benefit your brother's situation in the long run. Though I have to agree with the poster who said it might be a good idea to bow out and let your brother and his wife deal with this situation on their own.

I hope I help some, and hope this situation works itself out for the best outcome. *hug* Good lucky buddy :smile:

All I can add is to echo what Eddie said. It's your brothers problem and how he chooses to deal with it or avoid it is up to him. More often than not, in what I have witnessed, unsolicited marital or child rearing advice results in hurt feelings, fights and resentments. Sometimes, even when it's solicited, it results in the same shit.

I think about all you can do is make sure you can be there for him if and, more likely than not, when he needs you. I'm speaking about if he chooses to seek your council about the situation, not taking care of his kids.

Taking care of his kids to help him out and how much you do that is entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with. Just be on guard that his wife doesn't try to make you a door mat through what your brother needs.

I've decided that I might take the kiddos for a few hours Saturday night...If I want to and because I think it might be fun. Not out of obligation.

I've also come to the realization (in huge part due to good words from you guys) that my brother, his wife, and their kids are a family unit that I'm not part of. As such, they have got to learn to work these things out for themselves. Furthermore, if I or my parents continue coming to the rescue, my brother will never get frustrated enough with it or sick of it enough to begin remedying the situation on his own.

Pepsi: your words "you don't always have to catch the ball" smacked me upside my tight little rump! Thanks.

He he, tight rump!Don't thank me...I stole it..I just use it often, because it is SO true. It is one of the things that smacked me in the book "Don't sweat the small stuff".By the way, to anyone who is reading this, it is a GREAT toilet book...lol, the chapters are small, but very inspiring!