Ive never told anyone this, EVER!i get asked alot at college by teachers and friends "Oh Allie, how'd you do that" and i allways reply oh i fell over, i did this i did that... im very very clumsey.. so they allways believe me, and to be honest sometimes the bruises ARE because ive done something stupid like fallen up the stairs or something, as i really really am clumsey!but theres this guy at college. i met him in my first year (now starting my third) and we were REALLY good friends, we got on, we had the same likes and dislikes, we got on like a hous eon fire, he started getting real friendly... asked me out, and i said no as i wanted to stay just firends, and didnt want to ruin the friendship we had going on!ive allways been abit weary around men/boys, because of my old stepdad.. anyway.. this guy (nathan) got abit angry with me because i didnt see him more than a friend, (towards the end of our first year at college) he ALLWAYS walked me home, so this one night we was walking home, and we have to walk through this alley way bit, then through the woods, we allways did it as it was the quickest way to get home, nothing serious or anything, it had street lamps in the alley way and we had our phone lights for the woods, so thats why we allways walked together, anyway.. this one particular night he brought up the question of why i didnt see him more than a friend and i tried to explain again that i liked him just as a friend, but he didnt like it and grabbed my wrists pushing me into a tree, he started shouting at my right in my face about how i led him on and how i was being totaly unfair, anyway he hit me and pushed me to the floor, i was crying mainly because i was confused.. and i hate crying because then it shows im weak! but then he suddenly stopped being horrid, helped me up off the floor and walked me home.. i was really weary and he just kept saying im so sorry im so sorry i dont know what came over me!anyway for the next few months it just got worse and worse, and he wouldnt leave me alone i couldnt get away from him, and he started doing more and more worser things! my teachers kept asking about the bruises and the cutts, and i just told them i fell over and make a joke out of me being so stupid, which they would laugh then i know they would stop asking, i did the same to my mum! who is so gulibal i could tell her i was an alien from outer space and shed believe me!anyway... we are both still in the same photography class and i cant take it anymore i cant even stand to look at myself in the mirror i feel so horrible, i dont want my mum or family to know and i dont want my friends to know, i dont want them thinking its my fault..as i know it is, i shouldt of let this go on for so long, as now its harder than it was in the beggining!i also dont want to tell anyone who i dont know, i was thinking maybe a teacher..as theres this one.. my photography teacher (robyn) shes lovely.. but she cant do anything to help, so oi think whats the point in telling anyone?=[i dont know anymore...you dont even need to respond to this, i just wanted to actually tell someone.. and its easier to write it down, im fed up of faking laughs and smiles everyday, pretending that everythings ok!
Quote:my photography teacher (robyn) shes lovely.. but she cant do anything to help, so i think whats the point in telling anyone? I know by experience that the last person u think can't do anything to help….. Goes out of the way to help. Wuts the point in telling…well I could give u a long list of reasons why.
It's time to move beyond this and get past this point in your life. I for one don't think it's your fault, nor do I judge you harshly that it has gone on for the duration it has. All that I, or anyone else, for that matter may think is that it is important that you seek help now and get away from this guy.Reach out for help just as you did hear. Talk to your teacher. Call any and all support organizations in your area. The hardest part is confiding in someone but that is what you need to do, so you can get help. It may work best for you to get the phone numbers you need or find the office of the person you need to talk to and have them with you and just do it. Don't think about what your gonna say when you go in or when you make the call, don't plan it out, don't ponder for days over it, when your ready just do it. Often thinking about something is the surest way, for me at least, to never get it done. That's why I'm saying get the number and contacts and have them with you at all times so that when you get the urge you can just do it without having to think about it or look stuff up. You'll already be in there talking before the fear your brain will try to conjure up will have time to kick in.I realize how rambly this is but I'm hurrying and I really do want you to get help before this gets worse. It wasn't so bad telling these stranger was it. All we want do is help you.
i dont want them thinking its my fault..as i know it is Your fault??? Hell no!!! You need to talk to someone and get some help to get out of this situation. People who are in abusive relationships many times end up dead... Get away from this guy and don't be alone with him anymore.
Originally Posted By: sdp
People who are in abusive relationships many times end up dead...
That is true. Better safe than sorry, so take sdp's advice and get away from him.
i dont know how to start it off to her....and half the time ots not the right time... if that makes sence... i feel like im constantly making up excuses not to tell anyone!
Quote:i just wanted to actually tell someone.. and its easier to write it down If you find it easier to write it down, why not write your teacher a letter? She is in a position of trust and I can almost guarantee that she will help you. Please tell someone - don't let it get worse than it already is hugs
" i feel like im constantly making up excuses not to tell anyone!"You are. That's the way the brain works when frightened about having to deal with a new unknown situation. Realize that, do your best to take control, and just do it. Like I said before, don't think about, just walk-up and talk to 'em before you have the chance to talk yourself out of it.>>>"i dont know how to start it off to her...."Just tell 'em what's happening, don't try to start explaining it right out of the box. Tell 'em whats going on and let the explanation materialize through the course of the conversation. Trying to develop the dialogue, of anything, before hand doesn't work anyway.One way to start it off, "A male friend of mine is beating me and I don't know what to do..."
Firstly it really helps talking to someone be it a helpline, your teacher, parents, friends? Anything just to let it out they may also be able to help.If he is physically abusing you i would definately go to the Police about it. You never know he could do something even worse to you or others. Pressing charges may make him back right off or if not follow things through.Don't suffer in silence though.
i told robyn yesterday (monday) i didnt even think about it, i just waited for the class to leave and she asked if i was OK!, and i just suddenly came out with everything, i didnt hold back on nothing, told her all the little details, and then after i sort of looked at her, realised what id said and ran out!!!she phone me up that night and told me to go and see her today, because she said she WANTS TO HELP ME!!!!!!! =]and that i deserve to be happy!!im going to go in today, and see her....will tell you what happens when i get back... im shitting myself!
That's excellent Keep us up to date xx
Sorry i forgot to update.. just been so busy and had other stuff on my mind..
so i went back to see Robyn, she made me go through it all again, and as i tolled her she wrote stuff down... dont know why, but she did, and she asked me questions, and i answered every single one... i was shitting myself sooooooo bad!
she took me down to our TTM rooms, (tutor team manager) and explained the situation to her, i said that i didnt want the police involved, and as im 18 its up to me!
she said depending on the circumstances is whether they get the police involed...
anyway, Nathan was removed from my photography class and hasnt been at college.. im not sure if he is sick or if he is even allowed back, i didnt want to ask, things got bad for a few days with nathan and me, he would come to my house or work or follow me around town, but today is friday and i havent seen him for 2 days now (yesterday and today) im hoping i dont see him anymore... today was my last day at college, but robyn took my number and said she will phone me every sunday over the 8 weeks off, to see how i am and if he is still continuing...
she took me home today and said that i shouldnt be walking by myself anywhere for a while... and NEVE in the dark any more lol
i just hope this sticks...
though i have a feeling he wont give up too easily hes aggressive, and ive seen him at his worst times, it scares me out of my whitts, and this time, it will be my fault he goes off into a rage of anger!
There you go again.. You need to talk to a couselor about YOUR issues. and this time, it will be my fault he goes off into a rage of anger! Why are you blaming yourself??? It's not YOUR fault!!!
Why don't you want the police involved?
Police scare the living crap out of me... ive never done anything wrong myself, like i havent broken the law or anything... but i DO have reasons why they scare me!
and i dont want them to know as they might inform my parents....
and i certainly dont want them to know, my mum is one of those who makes everything 100 times worse and fusses and then tells everyone she can think of..argh!
Originally Posted By: alliecat
but i DO have reasons why they scare me!
Whatever those reasons are, they are not sufficient enough to not get help. Sweetie, you are dealing with a violent and disturbed person and soon, something REALLY awful is going to happen to you. You need to get help from the police if this guy doesn't stop harrasing you.
Originally Posted By: alliecat
my mum is one of those who makes everything 100 times worse and fusses and then tells everyone she can think of..argh!
This is the least of your problems. In fact, if you mom does go around telling people, that's good because it will bring in more help and attention to this situation.
Have you looked into self defence classes? I think that would be a good idea for several reasons. I think it's something all women should take.Depending on how aggressive this guy is, maybe you should get yourself some mace or pepper spray or carry a blade or if nothing else a nice heavy walking stick and a coach's whistle. If you do ever go the route of the pepper spray or mace or blade remember the cardinal rules, one, know how to use it under stress so any actions are instinctual, two, don't pull it unless you intend to use it. They should never see it coming the first indication that you've done anything should be their eye's burning form the spray or the knife up under their ribs.
I second everything said here.
I am a martial arts kinda guy. I don't practice them as much as I should however, I highly.. HIGHLY recommend them.
If you weigh a single pound you can use that to fight surprisingly effectively.
However, don't stop at martial arts. I would suggest taking any and all classes involving self defence there is more to it then just fight or flight.(some classes are simply that self defence clases and have nothing to do with fighting.. just how to get away and what to do if someone tires to abduct you)
I highly recommend Jujutsu. Not brazilian jujutsu but, one of the standing forms of jujutsu.
*IF* you have a good instructor you can learn how to break out of holds without struggling, how to avoid being injured, and quite honestly how to safely subdue someone.
There was a lady who was probably less then 5 feet. Pretty short by most peoples standards and probably 50 years old (close at least maybe older).. Who could quite literally subdue any man. I mean I would not in my dreams think of trying to hurt her. She could (and did on a daily basis) drop me(and everyone else in the class besides the other instructors) like a ton of bricks.
So it is really good to take martial arts ( I highly recommend jujutsu as in a good class you will need next to know physical strengh) for the long term.. and for the short term take a plain on self defence class. They probably offer them on your college campus.
For now as said before carry a blade, peper spray, or even a nice sized walking stick and make sure you can use it *well* under stress and.. ALWAYS.. ALWAYS have it handy. If you use pepper spray make sure you don't have to dig threw your purse to find it. If you use a blade make sure it isn't in the bottom of your pocket.
Another thing I recommend which others may not emphasize. NEVER.. UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE give the wrong image. (this is important and something most people don't think about).
Don't make yourself look like an easy target. Don't walk alone when you know you have to walk 2 miles and there is no one else around. Don't be so over encumbered you can't just drop your books/laptop and run. Don't ever.. ever be distracted with something while your by yourself. Don't make yourself look like an easy target.
However, on the flip side.. while you should never appear to be an easy target.. don't under ANY circumstances let ANYONE know what you know. If you know jujutsu.. let them find out the hard way you know jujutsu, or ryu kempo, or whatever. If your carrying a blade or pepper spray don't tell them you have pepper spray. Don't let anyone know that you are capable of completely turning the tide on them.
Its sorta like poker you don't want the people your playing against to know what cards you have. If they know what cards you have.. they can easily wait until they have better cards.
Best example I can give you is this. He walks up to you. He doesn't know you have pepper spray. You say back off. He doesn't. You spray him, he gets caught totally off gaurd.
If he knows you have pepper spray.. he will come with a gun instead of just his fist.
NEVER.. EVER let ANYONE know what you have friend or foe. If he shows up don't say "I have pepper spray back off".. Don't threaten don't let him know you have it under any circumstances.. if it comes to it play your hand. If it doesn't save your cards until you need them.
"There was a lady who was probably less then 5 feet. Pretty short by most peoples standards and probably 50 years old (close at least maybe older).. Who could quite literally subdue any man. I mean I would not in my dreams think of trying to hurt her."This reminded me of a lot of the women who used to be in my tribe. They weren't small like that but no one dared cross them. I've noticed that western women seem to suffer the affliction of being the weaker sex to the nth degree, at least it looks that way to me. It seems to be drilled into them that they are weak and can't or shouldn't fight back. I don't know, its just foreign to me.Here, it was the women you always worried about pissing off and the older and more frail the were the meaner and more violent they tended to be. My great-grandmother married a half breed, that was Ponca and white, after my great-grandpa died. She was in her fifties in the hospital having her legs amputated and the breed was out layin' around with a bunch of the towns loose ladies. When he came to see her in the hospital, with a room full of people, she whipped out a knife, she always had with her, from under the sheets, cut his face and eye and told him, "if he ever stepped out on her again it was going in his chest".I'm sure it wasn't the cut or the threat that scared him but the look in her eye. I know that look all to well, I've seen it from both mom and granny and you know they mean it and to just back off.There were another two ladies I've always heard stories about, both wealthy beyond anything I'll ever understand, who both married a couple of local thugs. In both case the men were really bad, mean men who had no problems with killing. In both cases the men married these women planning to kill them and inherit their land and money. In both cases, as mean as these men were, the women were meaner. In both cases these killers became real good "squaw men" who jumped whenever these ladies said. So women can have power. I don't have a clue of how they got it across to these guys, but the did, and they always kept the upper hand.Last story, my mother went out with a white guy, before I came around, that started to lift a hand to her, to strike her. He didn't but said, "ya know, I aught a just teach you a lesson and give you a good beatin'" That night he awoke to find mom sitting on top of him with the business end of a meat clever pressing against his forehead. She said that all she said to him was, "If you ever hit me, you god damn well better kill me, because you'll have to sleeps sometime you son of bitch and I'll god damn well make sure you pay." They didn't go out very much longer after that. I've heard that story many times and have pushed her enough on my own to know it wasn't the meat clever that got the message through, it was just the exclamation point, it was the look in her eyes. Like her foremothers she always had the upper hand and never let anybody threaten her.Unfortunately something happened to a lot of the women of my generation and most of those a bit younger. They lost their fight, they got Anglo-sized or something. Whatever it seems that they're regularly stalked, raped and beaten by those that are supposed to love them and by those they supposedly love.What's the point of all this, if there is any, I guess that women don't have to be weak, afraid or submissive. They can fight back and win. I've seen it from these older generations all my life. The first step is respect for yourself and belief in yourself. I think those are things that even basic self defense classes may go along way to instill.
I went out with a guy who I absolutely COWED... Dead scared of me... In the end, it wasn't as fun as it should have been. In my opinion, the people in a relationship should defintely be equals.