Hi; I'm doing an English Homework assignment for my Summer School Class for writing. I don't need it or anything; my parents just do that to "improve my smarts," which they have been doing for the past four years, excluding this year. Anyways, I want to make a good first impression, so it'd mean a lot to me if you guys could proofread this descriptive paragraph for me. It's known that if I, the writer of this paragraph, check my own work right away, I wouldn't be able to detect some of the things that need to be fixed, and I have to get going soon, so thanks!Here it is:The vast labyrinth of darkened, shaded halls was an immediate shadow of reality, hidden with a body of fantasy, hollow, yet filled with every enigmatic opportunity the world presented it with. Candles held themselves difficultly with the limbless prowess and their dwindling bodies, etching themselves with little support at every wall you saw, every side, with their serene minds of flame caressing the ceiling ever so slightly, as to not damage it, hurt it. Their heads seemed to be surrounded in an aura of innocence, an aura of meticulousness that told them to be careful, and shunned the wild, passionate flames that should have been dangerously beating inside. Together, the long, dark aisle that lay before anyone’s feet was lit up by the chorus of silent song, the mutuality of every single shrinking candle, and every single humbled glow. Despite the arsenal of lights that set themselves decoratively and precisely, they seemed to fail to dominate even an inch of darkness that swam freely around them. Their use was worn, and their bodies were slowly fading away into nonexistence. The walls felt of cool, calming plaster; the halls would greet every soul with a nose-pinching odor of must and age, as if the whole maze itself were an antique forgotten and left by society centuries ago. The air was tasteless, blatant to the tongue and undernourishing to the soul. This dimension was of nothing, but in somehow, someway, to someone, it still managed to mean… everything.It's just supposed to be a basic paragraph describing a place. Thanks a lot! Hope I didn't take up too much of your time!
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Summer School English Homework - First Impression.
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hmm it was really good. i mean i couldnt understand it, but i guess that means its really good haha!itd probably be very good to a smart person lol
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thanks for the quick reply! I really appreciate you t taking your time off for me :] I hope it didn't bore you ^^
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wow...that was really good!
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If I were to make a complaint, it would be verbosity:> damage it, hurt it>The vast labyrinth of darkened, shaded halls was an immediate shadow of realityYou mention the darkness kind of a lot, although I'm not really sure what you mean by "an immediate shadow of reality"... Does this place exist in real life or not? If not, then I understood, sort of... I just thought you were describing the darkness again, maybe.> Together, the long, dark aisle that lay before anyone’s feet was lit up by the chorus of silent songThis confuses me, because you called it dark, but it's lit up...Other than that, I might break it into two paragraphs... But I really liked this, it was descriptive.>the halls would greet every soul with a nose-pinching odor of must and age, as if the whole maze itself were an antique forgotten and left by society centuries agoThat's my favorite part of the paragraph, it really is.
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Thanks, you made a good point about the dark/lit up thing. I'll change it on the actual sheet to "frailly lit up" instead. :] Thanks for your time and consideration on it
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I'm going to be very annoying and disagree disagreeably with the others. I think this is a strong example of over-egging the pudding, a common fault in young writers of promise.Some problems are:1. An excessive use of adjectives, adverbs and abstract nouns, creating an over-ornate style.2. Needless obscurity. Language should illuminate.3. Wordiness - an inability to let anything go. Good writing needs ruthless editing. 4. What do you mean by an immediate shadow of reality? (Can there be a delayed one?) How do candles etch themselves? I don't think you meant "blatant" - "bland", perhaps?5. Flogging metaphors to death. I'm sorry: this criticism must feel very wounding, and you must consider me boorish. But over-richness of language is a fault that only the best writers are subject to.
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What are you? A fricken professor or something? HAHA
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I agree with Ineligible; your story has great potential, but you seem like you’re trying too hard to make it 'good.' Trust me, I did the exact same thing when I was in school and I had a teacher I wanted to impress, and then I was told the same thing Ineligible said lol Being descriptive is good up to a point, but no offence, you're going a little over board. Less is more. Again, I think your story has a lot of potential, you have a knack with words and making them flow together, but you need to not try so hard and to make it seem less wordy; let he readers use their imagination a little
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Thanks everyone, including Pete and Katie Lou for your criticism :]. The way you said it was nothing but helpful to me, and so I edited it mindlessly and made it into a better copy. Good thing I checked in the morning, too, otherwise, it'd still be the way it was before. Thanks again, you guys; you couldn't have earned my gratitutde more than you already have!
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testing
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I would put a semicolon (;) between fantasy and hollow in the first sentence, and use a lot less commas in general. But hey, that's just me!
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Any good writer (and I think you could be one of those some day) or teacher of writing will tell you that the key to good writing is simplicity. I think that's what the others were getting at. I think if you used more common words to create real imagery, instead of using "smart" words which tend to muddle things a bit, you would be amazed at the difference.Read a few paragraphs from someone like John Irving or Dave Eggars or Jack Keroac. You'll see what I mean. They would probably not typically get a response like "I don't understand it, but maybe someone smarter will."Another piece of advice that I got in a writing workshop a few years ago was SLAY YOUR IDOLS. I could tell you what that means, but I think it would mean more if you pondered it and came to a conclusion.Bottom line, it seems to me you've got a real appreciation for language. The trick is to learn to make language work for you, and not against you. I'm glad you're taking this class. It would be cool to see what kind of work you develop during the process.Oh yeah...another mark of a good writer is the ability to hear/read criticism with grace and appreciation. You seem to have that under your belt.