my life has been followed through with alot of ups and downs short story, i was raised by my mom, grandma, and 2 sisters, after my mom left my dad cause he was beating her, she dated this white guy named billy, he beat me when i was like 4-5, we moved from florida to la, when we got to LA she found out that he was beating me, she left him and we stayed in a homeless shelter, i have always fought with people, my whole life... its how i handle stress, so while the homeless shelter was finding money and taking all the other kids on trips and to go meet the stars of baywatch, i had to stay... its always been like that for me... but yea, we moved to a small city outside of san gabriel, then moved into san gabriel, i was still fighting on a semi daily basis, about a year later, my new stepdad moved in with my mom, he seemed like a nice guy but i didnt like him... well we moved from san gabriel to el monte, and after living there for a while, he ended up molesting me a couple of times, we moved from there to florida, and i started 6th grade, my uncle moved into our house in pembroke pines, and during the days i was getting physically abused by my uncle and by night i was getting raped by my step dad, after living there for about 7-8 months, we moved back to california, this time to wennetka, california, there he still touched me occasionally, but it wasnt at all near the consistency of when we were in florida. i avoided coming home as much as i can during my second year of 6th grade (mom made me redo it) and during 8th grade (i skipped 7th grade) then finally my prayers were answered and it stopped, that was one of the happiest 6 months of my life... then during the summer, i went out to florida to visit, and while out there i was jumped into a gang from Little Havana, i came out to california, met up with some other guys that were from florida, and a few that werent, and we formed out own little set, we went by Little Havana Bloods. during the span of a little over a year, the 20 something members that we had including me were all killed, and i was nearly killed multiple times, my best and closet friend was murdered and he died in my arms, and all of the people who i cared for so dearly were also killed, finally i was motivated to leave that life and find the person who im currently dating/in love with and well... its been great but there are soo many times where i just feel like crying out and screaming, i love her so much and i know that im supposed to be with her, i can just feel it... but its just that i do everything i can to keep her happy, and when it comes down to me doing my part, i dont get her angry or sad, but she just doesnt always appreciate the things that i do for her, and i just wish that she wouldnt be mean to me during the times that i need her most...its times like these that i feel like slitting my wrist and getting rid of myself, ive held guns to my temple, and in my mouth, emptyed the barrel except one spun it, and pulled the trigger, but it didnt go off, and ive done that about 3 times... i still live with my step dad, cause i could never tell my mom about half the things in my life that ive done... she nearly had a heart attack when she found out i took a shot of tequila, what would she do if she knew i used to drink hennessy, and grey goose on a daily basis? and that i was raped by her beloved husband...theres so much pain that i have bottled up inside, and i dont know of a way to get it out, and i just dont want it to grow on me and like... explode... even now as im writing this tears are falling onto the keyboard... i dont know what to do...
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I dont know, why...
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Thank you for letting us know what you've been through, GrownPastMyYears. It is far more than most of us will ever see in a lifetime.
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I am so sorry you had to live like that. I don't really know what to say at the moment. hugs
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Talking about things is one of the thing that seems to help most people and you've taken a step toward opening up right here on these boards with what you wrote. While none of us here can change the past many can offer the support of experienced understanding having been through similar hells ourselves.As for your girlfriend, approach her with a little understanding. Remember that its often hard on those we love as we try to cope with our own depressions and stresses. Generally they do the best they can but no one can be at their best all the time and coping with someone they love, that is hurting so much, is often a big stress on them as well. As long as she isn't tearing you down for how you feel she is probably doing the most she knows to do and being as supportive as she knows to be. Just realize how things may be hard for her as well, when she doesn't quite live up to your expectations of how she should support you, most especially if she doesn't know all of this. So how much of your past is she aware of?None of this is meant to be a condemnation of you. It's just us depressed people often forget how challenging our own mental angst can be on those we love.I think you'll find that this place can offer what support it can. That's what were here for to help out and support each other when were down.
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i really do appreciate everything that everyone says, my girlfriend is one of the few people that i have told about my problems and strugles, but i only told her cause i trust her not to bring up me being raped in front of anyone that shouldnt hear...
only reason i havent told my mother is because she literally would die at the fact that, that happened to me, and i have to be strong for her because she is emotionally weak at times...
but she knows literally everything about my life, and maybe i dont give her enough credibility and i should give her more, because she does have to deal with my annoying self, and honestly she does do alot for me, and im really going to give her more credibility now...
thank you guys for your help, i was just feeling really bad when i wrote that, and my days been a little better...
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Oldfolks brought it up... but, I want to reinforce the part about going easy on your girlfriend.
I dated a girl with alllloootttt of problems.... I personally feel I went way above and beyond and performed the best anyone with limited experience could perform.
Boyfriends and girlfriends are not medical professionals. One issue that my ex and I had alot was she was ALWAYS finding things I would be doing wrong to handle whatever situation. Not talking to her enough, not understanding enough, not caring enough. Only to 5 minutes later realize the only reason she felt that way was because she was depressed at the moment or soemthing.
It got much weirder then that.. and well one problem I commonly found was because of the bizarre nature of our relationship I would be quite literally speechless.. all I could say would be "i have no clue how to react"
God knows I still love her.. and I feel she if not now at least loved me at one point in time.
I am not saying you do anything like that.. but, I am saying that you have to be carefull.. you really, really don't want to end up senselessly torturing your girlfriend. I am not saying you would intentionally do it.. but, when your feeling down.. Some people can easily get the inclination to drag others down with them..
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to be honest, it sounds like shes doing that to me... i mean, i go above and beyond to do things for her, i skated 10 miles off of 1 hour of sleep so that i can spend a couple of hours with her, only to have to skate another 3 miles later... my socks were literally blood soaked...
i hate taking bullshit from people, and i sat there and got cussed out by her aunt over something stupid, (we were playing, and she called me a faggit lover (she wasnt being sexist, she was just playing, shes actually bi, and we have alot of gay friends) and i called her a lesbien slut, her aunt heard, (only me call her a lesbien slut...) began cussing me out, i sat there and took it, but after 2 minutes of her not defending me, i went off on her aunt, and then when i met her aunt in person like 2 months later, she made me appologize to her, and to my girlfriend...
ive also literally been jumped over her, (because shes black and im cuban (also partially black, but i look hispanic)
i have done almost nothing to hurt her, i have a few times let myself go, but that was only twice, and it was actually her fault, but i did apologize and both times were over 8 months ago...
but i will do anything for this girl, and i mean that literally, but she will just be such a bitch to me, just because someone else gets her mad... err... well, i guess when comparing pros and cons, there are more pros than cons...