Hi there lovely people. This is my first ever post!!
Here goes my woes :smile:
I am in a very happy stable relationship with beautiful children and a really beautiful man (who I absolutely addore!). Everyone tells me how lucky I am. I have so much of the goodstuff in this world. He makes me feel beautiful. He supports me creatively, emotionally, in parenthood... Far more enlightened than I..
Four years ago though I slowly fell infatuated with a workmate,and this developed into really quite a serious crush. I really love him as a friend, and this slipped over into that fuzzy (for me) area of friendly affection and sexual expression.
It intensified in the last few years and on our very last day working together told him my big fat secret... Which was one of the strangest things I've ever done...
It was like tearing myself open to expose my most private (and loved) fantasy world. While the real world came crashing in around ..forever altering my sacred space). Both realities now forced to find a foothold.
I don't think he delt with my admissions particularly well.. Even though he addmitted mutuality. In my obvious panic he never once tried to help ground me. Never reached out and offered his hand of friendship while I spilled my guts all over the floor.
I think I expected him to be more "manly" and kind of generous and protective. Instead he just repeated "It's O.K." over and over in a tone that served to conseal the nature of our conversation (There weren't many people about but we were in a very public area at work).
Despite my fumbled confessions though, there was this strange sort of agreement that this beetween us was O.K. Allowed to exist. And that neither of us were writing off any possibilities.
Infact. I kind of felt it was welcomed. Bit awkwardly though.
Whith this "permission" that I was granted by his admissions of mutuality and lack of protest against my interest. I continued to enjoy my fantasys about him.
Things have existed like this for around 5 monts now.
(A month ago)My last recent interaction with him left me wondering where this has lead us.
I think he was a bit bizzarred out by the whole thing. Such mixed messages from him.
I just wish we could speak as friends about how silly and impossible, (but flattering) this has been, and just get on with a longdistance friendship. I don't want to write off the past years of loving to be around him. And genuine appreciation and affection for an incredible wonderful human, all because of a thick crush.
As he is involved with someone. And I have a family life that supports and nurtures me. I just know the best thing for me to do is wrap up all those lovely feelings and fantasies .. and pop them on a burning pyer where it can all go soaring into some parrallel universe; Where our genuine affections are free to run their organic course unhindered by our current complex realities...
Unfortunately my giving him away might mean giving away the friendship too. I think this might be what he'd prefer. I just want some communication and closure on this life episode
I think it would be sad to not speak again over something that was only ever hypothetical.
I'de like to know if anyone has had similar experience here.. And of some of the potential consequences when things do become physical??... Is there ever a possibility of going back to being friends?
I wish I had kept it all to myself. Kept my dignity, and friendship with him!!
Happy travells to you all.