My girlfriend and I are on our 8th month and wow things have changed in the past few weeks. We always had a great relationship, we were very comfortable from the start, and there was always something different about her. Ive known her half my life, and i always thought she was different it was like a sense. Anyways we talked and hung out for a few months before going out. Because we really wanted to get to know each other before we tried anything.Once we got together it was great. She was perfect, my sense was right about her being different. The first few months were great, no problems etc. In the past couple months ive caught her telling me a few lies that bothered me. The lies themselves werent a huge deal, just the fact i cant be with a liar and i hate them. I explained to her how i feel about liars and i told her she cannot continue to lie to me or else i will lose trust in her and she understood and promised not to do it again.It happened again a month ago and i told her i was getting "sketched out" about her lying and was losing trust and i told her if she kept doing it things wouldnt be so good.So anyways like i said she seemed perfect, well perfect for me, not perfect in the sense she is PERFECT because no one is perfect. We've had a great relationship and i love her very much.But these past few weeks ive noticed alot about her and my views on her totally changed. For all this time i thought we were on the same maturity level and everything but i have realized we are not. Ive noticed she is a bit immature. She also cannot handle problems at all. She has a hard time talking to me now all of a sudden. She gets confused very easily, and doesnt understand things alot of the time(Shes sort of dumb, thats something ive noticed). And her mom is a complete nut (which isnt her fault) and theres just alot of things im realizing.Im very grown up for my age due to my lifestyle, and things that have happened to me. Ive been paying bills for all my high school years, and not only mine but my mothers also. Im just a very responsible grown up kid for my age, and i have alot of life experience under my belt for being 18 (just turned). Ivt noticed she is the opposite. She is afraid to do anything because she thinks she cant do it. She cant handle problems or anything. You know how sometimes 14 year old girls date 18 year old guys because they are more mature? Well this is what it kind of feels like. Except we are the same age (Shes 3 months younger). I feel like the older mature grown up guy and she now feels like a well...a teen.So there has been alot of frustration with us lately with all the problems we are having. And in a relationship i think both partners have to do their part 50/50 and right now i feel like its 90/10 me doing all the work. I solve all of our problems i put in all the effort to keep us ok, etc. Whenever we have a problem i solve it for us and talk about it and she just sits there silent and doesnt know what to say. It feels like im talking to myself.The relationship has started to become less enjoyable and it feels more like a task then a partnership. I feel like i put everything into it and get nothing in return. I think the maturity difference may be part of the problem. But i understand everyone has flaws and i accept her flaws. Because thats what you do when you love someone. Ive already talked with her and promised to help her with her problems, im going to help her talk to me more, im going to help her get a job and im going to help boost her confidence, im going to teach her how to handle problems, im just going to help her plain and simple. Tonight was a bad night though. Things have been a little rocky lately and tonight they just got worse. I caught her lying to me again and i got upset. I in a very calm way explained how i lost trust for her, i feel i do everything in the relationship etc. I almost called it quits due to the fact i cannot be in a relationship with someone i dont trust. After awhile of her crying and apologizing and me sitting there not knowing what to due, i told her i would give her another chance, and we would work it all out. So things were getting better it seemed until i drove her home.In the car she told me something that she had been lying to me about (Something severe about me which is personal) and i just lost it. What she said killed me inside and i freaked out. I lost my cool. I told her "I fucking hate you" "Your nothing but a liar" "I screamed get the fuck out of my car" right now. I said alot of stuff. Needless to say she got out of my car sobbing, and i drove home screaming at the top of my lungs the whole way home. I walk in my door throw the car keys walk into my room punch a hole in the wall, throw shit everywhere hit a few more things, and fall on the ground crying.By this time she had called several times and i picked up and said dont ever fucking call my house again. After a couple more of her calls i was cooled down and i picked up and talked to her,.What she lied about that made me freak out was sever and it destroyed my feelings and it sent me into a rage. But after talking on the phone for hours, she begged me not to leave her and i just kept telling her it was over. This was mostly out of rage, and after 4 hours i was calmed down and talked to her rationally. We just hung up, and we are still together.The problems now is i dont know what to do. We have all the problems i listed earlier, i now have lost trust, i cant believe anything she says, and im completely insecure (has to do with the lie. Everything just seemed to go downhill so fast and i havent enjoyed the relationship for awhile.Now im at the point where i dont know what to do. I love her very much, thats the only reason why im still with her. But i dont know if i should stay with her and giver her a chance to redeem herself (though she lied atleast 4 or 5 times) and i dont know if i should stay and try to help her with all of her problems. And i now feel insecure with her and that makes it even worse. The main problems are me not being able to trust or believe her and me feeling like im putting all the effort into the relationship while she puts little effort. Im lost in what to do. I lover her so much and dont want to lose her, or let her go, but im wondering if its for the best. I want to stick around and let her redeem herself, but i dont know if she will. I want things to be great like how they used to be, but part of me thinks i would be better off single for awhile. I just dont know what to do....Any advice would be great, sorry for the long post.(I just dont want to put more effort and heart and soul into a relationship that might hurt me in the long run. Its going to be hard for me to regain trust and to believe what she says)
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8th Month
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Just a quick reply, as I am on my way out (will read through and reply properly later!!) Have you thought about having a break? Tell her that you need time to sort your head out and explain how much she has hurt you and can't trust her at the minute... give it a couple of weeks??If you do want to be with her, you have to tell her how serious you are and that if she lies to you again that will be the end, no if's, no buts..
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Originally Posted By: AmzJust a quick reply, as I am on my way out (will read through and reply properly later!!) Have you thought about having a break? Tell her that you need time to sort your head out and explain how much she has hurt you and can't trust her at the minute... give it a couple of weeks??If you do want to be with her, you have to tell her how serious you are and that if she lies to you again that will be the end, no if's, no buts.. Yeah i thought about a break but she cant do it. She really does love me and she cannot stand being apart and she doesnt want to lose me, she just idk...isnt as matured as i am so she does stuff like this i guess?Anyway i made it very clear last night after our fight that 1 more lie and its over. I told her if she has lied about anything in the past she better tell me now because if i catch her on it in the future its over, and i told her she cannot lie to me in the future either.
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Originally Posted By: MMAfighter90she just idk...isnt as matured as i am so she does stuff like this i guess?I think she's scared not immature.You mentioned that she's lied to you before. Besides the one that made you flip out, were the other lies just as bad? Or were they pretty small in comparison?I don't like liars also. But I think I should be more clear on what I mean by that. I actually don't like constant, sneaky liars who try to hide something. I don't like it when someone comes to me and makes up some elaborate lie to either hide something from me or try make me look like a damn fool.To me, small white lies here or there I can brush off. It's when a person who tells me nothing but lies is where I draw a line. I've caught my boyfriend tell me small, silly lies very few times. However, deep down I know he's honest with me about things that matter and wouldn't tell me an enormous lie to hide something from me.I think the reason why people lie is to either hide something from getting into trouble, to get their way, or because they're scared. I have a feeling that she's lied to you because she's scared of what might happen. I can understand that telling the raw truth is scary (yup, even for me) because we don't want to hurt the ones with love. But we know we rather get hurt from telling the truth than telling a lie.Trust is very hard to earn back when it's shattered. Be sure to let her know how serious this is to you, so she can understand that this relationship is going to need her input more than ever. Allow her to gain back your trust, but of course this is going to take quite some time. You're naturally not going to believe everything she tells you from now on, but you have to give her that benefit of a doubt. Don't drill her on everything she says. I'm sure she feels bad enough. Puring more salt in the wound isn't going to help.This is a very tricky and sensitive situation and I'm sorry I don't have anything better to say. I just hope you two in time will find that peaceful and happy harmony you guys had.Best of luck to the both of you!
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Trust is something that normally comes quite naturally--until it is violated. Then it becomes a little more difficult to win back with each loss, until it's gone forever. Let's hope that you've not reached that point and that she finally understands the error of her ways.
I think you've hit on an important point. You, for whatever reason, were forced to grow up quicker than she was and, as a consequence, are more mature. She will catch up, and you can probably help her.
Your violent reaction to the situation, however, is a concern to me. Do you have issues with anger management? -
Well my violent reaction was when i got home alone, i did not do it in front of her or around her. Its what she told me in the car that made me flip, it was very serious and just killed me inside. Everything lately has just been going horrible in my life and that was like the final straw and i just lost it. I dont have anger problems i just take shit over and over and over and keep it all inside until i finally snap. It literally takes me 2 or 3 years to get to that point, bu yeah. I know it wasnt good and i shouldnt have acted like that but i was just destroyed inside.
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Ok I read through your whole post. A break was mentioned by someone else..that's great advice. Clear your head. Right now though, it seems like you know what you have to do. As for her, she isn't immature, she lacks confidence and self worth. So as I see it you have a lot of choices. The ones for me would be as follows:1. Straight out break up with her, tell her why, don't take her calls and just break-away completely, she obviously uses you to fill a void she shouldn't need filled by another person.2. Build her confidence up with words and actions, not just physical but emotional, and all around mental. Stick with it, you can make it work, and at the same time help her evolve into an all around better person.3. Take time away form each other, branch out, if you find yourself missing her, keep on trying to find your happiness away from her. In the end, a few weeks, a month, you find you need her, go back to her. But don't keep the expectation she's still there waiting.To avoid being poetic, follow your heart, mind, and gut. Find the average, the "median," and make the decision YOU need! I'll stop there.
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Quote:Yeah i thought about a break but she cant do it. She really does love me and she cannot stand being apart and she doesnt want to lose me, she just idk...isnt as matured as i am so she does stuff like this i guess? Okay that to me shows that you aren't thinking about yourself here, and you should be. If the lies are as serious as youare making out, you are the one calling the shots and you are the one who should be standing up for yourself and saying that you need a break from it all. She is not going to respect you if all you do when she lies to you is ignore a couple of phone calls, then answer one and it's all back to normal...Edit: Also - you said in your frist post that you are the one putting all of the effort in. Even more reason to have a break. She will have to fight for your relationship to an extent, and will have to put more effort than a couple of phonecalls to "win" back your trust.