Desperate for some advice.

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I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Tonight, after all of my family left after a gathering, I went to lie down because I was tired. All of a sudden, I started bawling. I had no idea why at the time, but after laying in bed, and feeling like absolute crap for an hour, I came to the conclusion that I'm feeling very alone, and not ready for anything that is facing me. I'm not sure why I feel this, I have a very close family, and I'm fairly well off in life. In the last few years though, I have just felt overloaded, with amounts of pressure and expectations that I don't feel I am capable of handling well.4.5 years ago, my dad died. I was only 12/13, and I've really had a lot of emotional problems since then. After he died, I cried for probably a month straight. I was just so devastated by it. Since then, I never cried, for 4 years or so, I never told anyone that I loved them, or anything of the sort. I've had 1 real relationship, but have gone out with a few different girls, only to feel as though I could not get close to them. That's a problem with me. When I started randomly crying, my mom came and just sat with me, asking me what was wrong, for the whole last hour, before she finally left to go and take a shower. I can tell she's worried, but I really just don't want to tell her what's wrong, for fear that she will over react. With my family, I just feel like a complete outsider. I'm known as "the funny one". I really don't fit in, as my sisters are both ridiculously smart. One sister is going into finance, and is one of the smartest people I know, and my other sister has an average of over 90 in school. Then there is me. I struggle. This year, I did not maintain an honors average of over 80%. I was just below, and struggled greatly just to obtain the grades that I earned. I feel so out of place when I'm with people. I feel intellectually inferior to everyone I hang out with, since most of my friends are in the advanced program at school, and I'm not. I'm not as motivated as classmates, but I still do care about my schooling. It's something my father valued, so I take it quite seriously. Not earning honors was devastating to me, I feel so inferior to my peers and family. I just feel like such crap now when I look at things. I'm never fully satisfied, and am never genuinely happy. I always seem to look at the negatives, rather than the positives. I'm frustrated all the time lately, and I just want to be able to tell my mother how I'm feeling, but I can't get the words out. I don't know what's going on. I feel as though I am mentally breaking down, and just can't stop it. Any help would be great. -Flea

That's a tough situation, Flea. Pressure and expectations put a lot of stress on you, which in turn often leads to depression. Of course the point is that you are different from your sisters, which is not something wrong or bad, but how to make others know it? And how to make yourself realise that struggling at school, but still getting almost 80, doesn't mean you are a lesser person. We put too much emphasis on school results, and not enough on the person, which is more important. (It's quite possible that you may actually do better at college than your sisters and classmates, because you have learnt how to work, even with less motivation. That's important in college, and even more in the real world.)It's clear your mother is worried. I think you should tell her how you feel. It will help your parents to be careful not to make bad comparisons. How do you fear she'll overreact?

My mother was just disappointed with me, because I didn't earn the scholarship money that is awarded to those with an 80 average. It would be nice to get, to make university more affordable, so I really did want to achieve my goal, but I did not achieve it, which was very upsetting. I fear that my mom will either a) under-react, and tell me that it's OK I didn't do as well in my schooling, and that I'll do better next year, and attempt to comfort me by telling me that my grades aren't important to her, when I know that they are. Or, she could b) over-react, and think that I am depressed, and attempt to make me seek professional help, or something along those lines. Also, if I talk to her, I know that she will spread it around the family, even if I tell her not to, and people will look down upon me, in turn making me feel even more inferior.

It sounds like you are depressed, though if the stress lifts your mood should gradually lift too.It's always upsetting to miss out on something you wanted very much, so you shouldn't feel there's something wrong with you for feeling upset.I hope no-one looks down on you. To look down on someone reflects badly on the person looking down. But I'm afraid that you look down on yourself.

To me, I'm only depressed if I am greatly overwhelmed with things. Right now, work is putting a lot of stress on me, working 8 hour shifts every day or 2, but being alone for 6 hours troubles me. I've talked to my manager about this problem, but he continues to neglect what I tell him. So, I've decided to stop working - at least there for now to help reduce my stress, and do things that I enjoy for the summer. Hopefully my mood will increase, and in my free time, I can work on these emotional problems I have been having, and attempt to lift my self esteem.

Thanks for all of the help though, Ineligible, I think that I'm going to attempt to talk to my mom in the near future, when I can muster up enough courage to tell her of my concerns. :smile:

I hope it goes well!