Knowing when to end it?

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How do you know when to end a relationship? I dont mean a highschool fling or a 2 month relationship, i mean a relationship with someone you love. And also with love not being the factor to end it (ie Your still in love with the person, your not ending it because love "faded" away).

I can imagine many things that might tell you that it's time to end the relationship even though you are still in love: for example, when the other person says "It's over"; or when you find out the other person is your long-lost sister; or when you find that despite the love there is a serious unresolvable incompatibility between you.The fact that you are asking the question suggests there is some reason in your mind, but without more detail it's very hard to give much answer.

Its just sometimes shes really hard to handle. We are both 18, been together a year, but there is a huge maturity difference. Its not so much personality its just im more life experienced, have good common sense, street smarts, etc etc, im very mature for my age and well she isnt.Shes kind of a baby, has had everything handed to her, she doesnt work or do anything, she just sits around her house all day.She doesnt know how to handle problems, shes really negative and i sometimes describe her as a miserable person. She just constantly hates herself, and jumps to conclusions.She always ruins special moments, for instance on her bday last week i took her out of town, out to dinner and did all this fun stuff with her that i could not afford (im still in dept to my mom for it, because i couldnt afford it all myself) bought her a nice pricy necklace, and everything was going great. After dinner she started with her negativity and unhappiness again and it got us in a fight.It then happened the next day and i just dont know what to do.We both love each other very much, but i dont know how long i can do this for. I put so much energy and effort into this relationship and she has yet to put any effort into it. Her way of handling things is crying and melting down, and i have to cheer her back up and make her happy so we can both be happy.Its alot of work for me and alot of emotional stress for me. I love her very much and want to be with her but i cant do this forever. (I left out a million things but we would be here forever if i explained everything).The key thing are maturity difference, shes unhappy alot, and i have to put all the energy into her to make her happy, and her negativity and unhappiness brings me down to her level until i do all the work to bring us back up.Ive told her i cant do this forever and things really need to change, everyone loves her (her parents, siblings, my mom, me, everyone) and everyone does everything for her, and does everything to make her happy, yet shes always so unhappy and down.Ive told her she needs to change and for the past couple days things have been looking good. We both went to my tournament (the shitty one i didnt fight in lol) she spent the whole weekend at my house (her mom let her spend the night the whole weekend) and had some fun. We have a great relationship aside from that, we have so much fun together, i can tell her anything, and vice versa, everything is perfect except for this. Im not going to break up with her just the thought has crossed my mind "would i be better off alone?"I love her, ive never given up on her, i dont want us to end....ever. Both our parents think we will get married sometime after college, everyone can see what we have, and they see its real. Sometimes i just wonder...how much can i take, and what effect will it have on me in the long run?

Hmm, this is difficult, and in the end only you can make the decision.She is unlikely to be able to change by herself. Is she being treated for depression? That could help, though poor self-esteem can only be changed very slowly, and some aspects of her character may be her burden for life. Don't expect that simply getting older will change this. Could you handle this? If not, you may not be the person she needs.When weighing up the situation, consider the positives also. If everyone loves her, there are doubtless good reasons for that.

I understand some of this may never change, i know the maturity should come with age, but the other factors who knows. I think most of her problems come from her negativity, which could be from depression.The thing i dont understand is why is she unhappy? She doesnt have any stress, she has friends, she has a boyfriend, everyone loves her, she doesnt work, etc etc. It almost seems like she just wants to be unhappy.And as far as handling this, i can and will handle it, the thing i want in exchange is for her to put as much effort into the relationship as me. A relationship is 50/50 and right now it feels like 90/10 me being the 90. I just need her to put the effort in and show me she cares, rather then letting me do everything.Like you pointed out "there are doubltless good reasons for that" you are correct. She is amazing, she has an amazing heart and soul and shes a great girl. Its the effort thing that is bothering me right now.Its just hard for me to continue to put so much into this relationship and watch her put in little to none. Maybe she just doesnt know how, or what to do? Maybe she needs to be checked for depression?

I think she definitely should be checked for depression. However, aspects such as not putting effort in may be very difficult to change.

Thats the thing i fear may be our downfall then. Because someone not putting effort into the relationship makes me feel like she doesnt love me, respect me, or care enough to try.I know she loves me, the day after her birthday it got brought up and i told her ive actually thought about being single, she completely melted down. Ive never seen anyone cry so hard.I feel these past couple days shes been trying, but then again its only been a couplke days, too early to actually tell.Im all for helping her through anything she needs me to, im all for supporting anything she does, im all for loving her no matter what, i'll do it all. But i dont know how long i can carry the whole relationship on my shoulders for.....i need help from her.

I would urge you, though, not to feel like you are, or should be, setting her some kind of test. So long as you are together you should be working on problems as a team.

hey there Hmmm, in my opinion of all of this, she should really be treated for depression. I know how she feels. I need a lot of people to cheer me up. my confidence is horrible. im moody, i sometimes feel so alone, then the next minute i am soooo happy. right now what she needs is YOU. you know? if you left her it would be so much worse for her. if you truly do love her, you and her both should make an agreement to get her to a doctor to get her tested for a medical condition. She does love you. she just has a hard way of dealing with herself right now. It's hard to love someone so much, when you hate yourself. BELIEVE ME. when your confidence is shot, its so fucking hard to believe that anyone can ever love you. and you're always on edge being afraid that you might fuck up, and that you will find someone better. that's how i am anyways. i hate it. but its who i am i guess. you always have the feeling in the back of your mind that you will find someone so much better than yourself. I am not sure if your girlfriend is like this, but it would definately help both you and your relationship, if maybe she went to a doctor to see if she can get into therapy. it would take a bit of stress off of you by always having to cheer her up. and she can learn to accept herself better. as for not working, shes stuck in a rut. i have been like that for about a year now. ive been doing odd jobs and baking and selling cakes, and house cleaning though. I hope i helped a little -hugs-

Quote:The key thing are maturity difference, shes unhappy alot, and i have to put all the energy into her to make her happy, and her negativity and unhappiness brings me down to her level until i do all the work to bring us back up.I think it's really important for you to know that maturity has nothing to do with depression. I read your whole thread and it seems like she may be suffering from depression. And you also have to understand depression is a complicated illness and there's more to it than "she wants to be unhappy".Because she seems to have the perfect life doesn't necessarily mean she's perfectly happy. There's obviously something triggering her behavior. I think she needs to see and talk to a counselor. However, like Ineligible said, this is something you can't simply outgrow. These things take time and a lot of commitment.So, the question is, are you really the right person to stay with her through the end?I can understand it's fustrating. But you're right in thinking about yourself as well.It's a tough situation but I wish you good luck in whichever decision you make.

I appreciate and understand what you and Ashley said, thank you all for the insight. Im starting to realize now maybe she is suffering from depression. I guess i didnt realize it before because she tells me everything and she has not mentioned anything about it, her answer when i ask her anything lately is "I dont know".Im more than willing to stick with her all the way through it, i guess the problem was i just felt like she didnt appreciate me or care for the relationship because she never put effort into it.From my point of view its like, im doing all this stuff for her, everything to make her happy, constantly bringing her out of the hole shes stuck in, im always doing everything for the relationship, im putting everything i have into it, and she isnt...well doing too much.I guess i just want it to be 50/50 not 90/10. Like i said if she is depressed i will very much help her through it all the way, shes just got to give me some support aand help to, you know?

i dont know alot about depression but the others probably have a good idea, and if thats not the case, maybe its the fact that she has a "perfect life" in that she might feel like she hasnt earned anything,and thus cant appreciate the things she has?

Don't just let it go so quickly. You've invested a lot of time with her. You love her!There are obviously other things about her that have kept you with her this long? Feel free to share what they are... I think after going over these things you will realize that there is more to your relationship and it is definetly worth fixing.

Originally Posted By: Danteki dont know alot about depression but the others probably have a good idea, and if thats not the case, maybe its the fact that she has a "perfect life" in that she might feel like she hasnt earned anything,and thus cant appreciate the things she has? That souns very logical and could very well be a possibility.And to Stephie its not that i want to break up or that im going to break up with her i was just asking in general when a relationship should end you know? I dont want to lose her i dont want to break up there are a million good qualities that out weigh the bad and i do plan on being with her forever if possible. Its just i need help in the relationship too i cant do it all by myself you know? Other than that everything is perfect.

I understand, only YOU can decide when it's right for you to end the relationship.Trust me, the influence of the people here arent going to help your relationship. You need to talk to her and lay it all straight for her. Tell her that you have been reconsidering your relationship because of her behaviour. That you need someone to be on the same level with you. Tell her you want to invest your whole life with her and that you love her dearly and would do anything for her... but if things don't change you aren't sure if things will continue to get that far.Im just getting these thoughts and feelings from this and previous posts.

thats good advice but id wait til he finds out whether or not she has depression first.