My parents won't ever understand my depression

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I just graduated high school, and right now I am working. I am attending college in January. Just for the record, I feel a lot better now. After reading "perks of being a wallflower" and talking to my friends, I feel a lot better. I don't feel suicidal anymore at all really anymore. Do I know if that feeling will come back? I hope not! I feel very happy right now. I will say that my home life is still very uncomfortable and everything that I mentioned in my last post is still the same.But I will tell you what I was going through.I had a mixture of overwhelming emotions. And I will try to go through them and list what I was feeling because it was really a lot of different things. It is very hard to explain without talking because I don't feel this way anymore, but I will try.There was a feeling of extreme paranoia. I was always wondering if my friends were my friends. I questioned everything I did because I was so afraid of making the wrong move. And when I say this, I mean I would question rather I should ask to use the bathroom, and I would think about the consequences of that. My psychiatrist always told me that I think too much. Even though I knew I did, I couldn't stop. I never felt like I was able to hug anyone or receive any kind of affection. It seemed like that was for the normal people. I am 19 years old and have never had a girlfriend and that really ate me up. I felt like I was a freak and that I was doing something wrong. I questioned if I was gay or not. I just assumed that no one liked me in that way. I got into smoking pot because it made me feel better. But I still felt all the paranoia and everything. I smoked pot almost every day for a while during one period. I have recently stopped. I don't feel like I need it anymore. I was always scared of socializing with people as well. I never knew if I was saying the right thing or making the right move in responding back in a certain way. Everything was such a big question to me. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to know that I wasn't different. But I felt so different. And I was. But now I realize that it isn't bad and everyone is different and goes through their own problems. I would talk to certain people because they came off to me as welcoming and understanding. And I would go talk to them about what I was going through but at the same time I would think that I was bothering them, and I felt really bad for that. I guess that was another big problem. I always felt like I was a pest to people. I don't know why, I just felt like I was always bothering someone. The best way I can describe and fill in the cracks here of what I was going through is I felt like I was in a downward spiral of emotion and I didn't know how to feel or what to feel or if what I was feeling was the truth. I was always searching for answers. I maybe thought I had a personality disorder or something and I was constantly looking up different things to see if it fit me. I just wanted an answer to why I was going through what I was going through.That is why the book, "Perks of Being a Wallflower" helped me soooo much. Charlie, the main character in the book, reminded me of me. A lot of answers came to me in that book and it made me feel a lot better. Charlie was so much like me it was unreal. I felt like this book was made for me.

You just described me in your post..LOL......but I have a personality disorder

I hope i'm not being too personal, but I was wondering what your personality disorder is? I am very interested.

BPD or Borderline personality disorder

Actually, I have read up on that before. My concern with that personality disorder is that it is too broad of a diagnosis. They list so many possible symptoms so many people can have it.So I'm curious... since you got diagnosed with BPD, did they give you meds, have they told you anything that is going to help you with having BPD?

The symptoms are broad and sometimes it can even be diagnosed wrongly....the doc I last saw thought I was ADHD and later said it was BPD not ADHD....LOL

I took meds for a long time, but they didnt help me and my chances of committing suicide kept increasing so I dropped out of it.

Only thing that helped me was acceptance from others. My parents and my BF have helped me a lot. They gave me love and care which I needed so much and now though I still have symptoms and I am depressed 90% of the time but I am happy within my heart.

That sounds like me. The whole acceptance thing. I've never felt accepted or included. And I need to feel love and acceptance from others to be happy.

I know how that feels I hope you will find someone who will love you and accept you

thank you. =) you don't know how much you have just helped me.

you are welcome. Glad I was of some help. We are all friends here on A2A helping eachother out.

No matter what happens in life never ever let go of hope. Best of luck.