My parents won't ever understand my depression

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so, I've been reading the book, "perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky. great book btw. well my parents confronted me about sleeping all day and going from sleeping all day to getting up and going straight to work or hanging out with people. my parents put a huge emphasis on taking initiative around the house. they say they shouldn't have to tell me to do anything. well that book im reading made me realize that i need to stand up to my mom and say something. she woke me up this morning and asked me what time i got home and what time i had to go to work. she also gave me a very dirty look and just walked away. she tends to do that often.

so i got up and talked to her. and i will say this: i am going to tell you exactly what happened.

i asked her why she is acting the way she is acting towards me.

she proceeded to explain that she feel like i wasn't doing anything around the house and i was just laying in bed all day. she basically explained to me that she thought i would stay in the basement until i was 40 if i could...

i explained to her this: i have some stuff i am dealing with right now and i am not really worried about responsibilities around the house. i told her that this stuff is more important to me than responsibilities around the house. i also told her that if they needed me to do anything, to tell me to do it and i will do it. i just cant keep things on my mind such as taking out the trash or raking leaves when i got bigger things that are occupying my mind. so i basically told her that if she tells me to do something, i will do it.

so my mom replies with this: "well, i wish i could have the luxuries of being able to just worry about my problems. we have to shove our worries aside and focus on work and other things so we can have money."

i thought this was very wrong. it isn't my fault that they put money in front of their happiness. i'm not just exaggerating this. they usually go on a few cruises a year and buy expensive brand name food. that's their choice. they could save money and create time for themselves but they choose to lead their life differently. i want to make sure happiness is at the top of my agenda because i don't want to be depressed anymore. i don't want to end up committing suicide like i feel like doing all the time.

don't get me wrong. i plan on making sure that my career is top priority when i am in college, but right now i am in a place where it doesn't matter right now. I am in between high school and college. so i'm trying to deal with my issues before they leak into the "real world."

is this understandable?
or am i being that blindly irrational.

When coping with depression those mundane tasks just aren't that important to the depressed person. Even important things lose their significance.How long do you feel you've been depressed? Have you sought any help for your depression? Depression tends not to get better by itself. It's not something most people can just ride out. If your suicidal keep the number to a suicide hot line with you at all times. Go and seek help, life is to precious and short to go through unhappy or apathetic.

i get suicidal sometimes, but i've never actually been to the point where i am holding a razor at my wrist or holding a gun to my head or cradling 20 pills in my hand.i usually get super down and think about that if i am going to be unhappy like this forever, then why live? i go to my friends a lot and stay away from home because they understand and help me cope and cheer me up.i am depressed to the point that my friends being around doesn't make me happy. i think of it as making me less miserable.

Well Droopy
I have kids that are about your age and I can really relate to your mom. Teens and young adults teen to think that the only thing that matters is what is happening to them in thier own little world. Most don't see past the tip of their own nose and are not looking at the whole picture is the scheme of life. But you won't understand this really until you have kids of your own. What your parents are trying to teach you will help you later in life. If you are at your job working and your boss perhaps expects some things done by a certian time or date. he's not going to be too forgiving when you tell him that you have some stuff you're dealing with right now and that you're not really worried about responsibilities around the office right now and that this stuff that your dealing with is more important to you than responsibilities around the office... Chances are you won't be working there long.

Your folks are trying to teach you multi-tasking, balance and planning... these are all things we need to work in the professional world.

I can fully understand where you're head is at. I reaaly can, but you're really are not looking at the whole picture. You can't.... it's your age and inexperience in life.

Cut your folks some slack and try to at least compromise if things are too heavy for you right now but just blowing them off isn't working well...

Just my prospective...as a parent

Granted I'm no parent but I say just the opposite, parents tend to put to much importances on mundane chores for a variety of reasons. Often I think they want to believe things are running along normally and can be rather dismissive of their child's feelings and what he's going through in his life. I think often this is done certainly not because parents are uncaring but because of the stress of work, family and responsibilities. We tend to try and ignore problems hoping they will resolve themselves with time not because we are bad people but because we feel we can't deal with a lot more stress, especially something as potentially scary as a child dealing with depression. It's easier to dismiss what may be a serious condition in children as simply being the blues if we are also having to deal with the boss screaming at us, bills coming due, our partner being pissed, the car idling roof, and so on and so on. That doesn't mean we're bad people who don't care about our children. It simply means we're human and until something is concrete we tend to be dismissive of it in order to deal with the stresses at hand.To the OP, cut your parents a little slack. Realize that it's not that they don't care, I'm sure they do. I think there is a lot of truth in the old teen adage "my parents just don't understand me." Remember they're just people with all the faults that come with being human.I would encourage you to sit them down and talk with them seriously, that indeed, you may need to seek some sort of professional help, it may be something as simple as a prescription. You don't need to be overt in your explanation of why, just tell them somethings wrong and you need help. I would be willing to bet they will go out of they're way to get you whatever help you need.

Doh!My bad bro....Your right Scotty. never give the kids any responsibilities.Never give them chores to do, just let them come and go as they please, do what they want becasue teens know exactly what is right for them. Parents dont! Because times have changed since we were kids and besides that.. We knew everthing back them and we were absolutly right about everything. Nothing my parents taught ever helped me in real life.....

I have to agree with you.I appreciate everything my parents have done for me. Its made me a better person and has taught me alot of respect.

Originally Posted By: albeitmyselfBut the OP said he wanted his mom to just tell him exactly what she wanted of him and he'd do it. What's wrong with that? thanks =)I told my mom this a long time ago and she said I needed to learn to take initiative. I honestly feel like they say things like that to place the blame on me, because everyone of my good friends are told by their parents what they want done and they do it. Now to be fair, my mom was doing this for a while. And while she was telling me things to do, things were fine. I felt like I was helping out, and I felt like because I helped out that I deserved to go visit my friends whenever I wanted to. Now it is an unsettling feeling in the air because I worry if my step dad is going to say we need to have talk. And then I can tell you exactly what happens from there. He will say that I need to put in more initiative and what not and I will try to explain my side and stand up for myself, and it is like they find other things to make me feel wrong. Like if the issue is that I am not doing anything around the house, they will also bring up the fact that I stay in bed all day, or that I used to smoke pot, or other stupid random things.When my friends walk into their houses, they usually receive some kind of greeting even if it is a small one. All my friends have close relationships with their mom and our free to talk about their problems with at least their mom.When I come in, the first things that come out of my mom's mouth usually are: "Did you shut the garage door?"... I don't even get a "hey" unless I say "hey" and my mom will usually respond with a very dark, bitter "hey." You can hear it in her voice.Do I think I have a very bad home life? No. I don't get abused. I get fed. I have a roof over my head. I have a bed I can sleep in. I am really, truly grateful for these things. But I am very uncomfortable at home and that's why I go to my friends all the time and usually stay away.I know that people think that there is an answer to this and it can be helped and what not. I personally believe that me and my parents should just be separated. They are completely different from me.And I hate they people say that teenagers think they know what is best for them. We don't think we know what is best for us. We just react. And that is exactly what I am doing. I am reacting to what is going on around me. I am sorry it is a bad reaction.

you should have a serious talk with ur mom. make her open up.Id start off by asking "do you hate me? because you talk to me like you cant stand having me around."

I told my mom this a long time ago and she said I needed to learn to take initiative. I honestly feel like they say things like that to place the blame on me, because everyone of my good friends are told by their parents what they want done and they do it. Everyones living environment is different so the answers aren't always obvious and the same for everyone. I'm not talking about you directly but just in general. Maybe it's just the times we live in. It just seems with the advent of computers, video games and the explosion of TV channels that can drain your brain, that the generation growing up with our technological advances has just gotten quite lazy. Granted this does not apply to everyone, but my comment is just in general. Maybe it's the environment I grew up in that has my views skewed, but I don't think so. I grew up on a small family run chicken(egg) ranch. We often had hired help but many times not. On a ranch there is work to be done DAILY! Everyone knew what needed to be done and everyone had their tasks. we didn't have the luxury of sleeping in till noon. Chickens, cows, pigs, horses, ducks, dogs & cats to be fed. Eggs to be collected, washed, packed and stored. Things to be cleaned and repaired. It was just done... I didn't need to be told what to do and if I was, I did it.My wife and I are constantly frustrated with my own kids. They wont do anything unless they are told are do it. And then usually after constant reminding. For example, I can watch the trash bin in the kitchen literally fill up to the top. They will add more and more and pack it down.. Do you think one of them would think, "Hey the trash is full.. I should take it out." No.. It will remain like that until mom or dad throw it out or they get nagged to do it. Your home is not a hotel. You are a member of the household who needs to share responsibilities within your means. Now if you live in a little condo, granted, your tasks are pretty limited. But every little thing helps and is appreciated. Tidy up, pull the damn vaccum out, do something. Parents have their responsibilites and kids are one of them but we're not servants. Now if your parents have their own problems that they brought onto themselves, then it's not fair of them to take it out on you. You can take what I said and do whatever you want. It's your own life.

Are we talking about doing chores or a teen so depressed he's on the cusp of being suicidal? If it's the latter I don't care whether the trash gets taken out or not.My point is that if there's a medical reason for this behavior then it needs to be addressed. The mundane shouldn't matter when someone is contemplating whether they want to go on living or not, especially when that someone is a kid. Further, I was addressing that is such a scary thought to a parent that some will, at first, try to be dismissive of it, "the problem doesn't really exist so I don't need to be terrified that my kid is thinking about killing himself." People tend to forget that all experiences are relative and the perspective time offers is only rewarded with distance from any given event or point. With age we can look back at our youth and see now the triviality of what we thought was monumental at the time. However, that doesn't change the fact it was monumental to us at that time, so our feelings at that given point where valid. I think this is why people always say, "I loved my teenage years but I would never want to go through them again." We've coped with greater stresses and have forgotten what our perspective was back then. For instance, when older we know that relationships at a young age tend not to last but that doesn't devalue the stress or depression of heartbreak that a breakup between young lovers causes. It's much the same as people who work through hard times and manage to hold on. They come out the other side, and rightfully, pat themselves on the back at how they managed to get through it. The new perspective doesn't make the stress or depression they coped with while going through those times any less significant or damaging. It just changes the view.Stress is relative. To a mature person the trials of adolescence may seem trivial just as to some one in a nursing home, unable to tend to their own most basic needs, the trials of family life seem trivial. It's just a matter of perspective. The stress of making a living and getting along with a spouse may seem small to some one who's suffered a stroke and is trying to learn to wipe themselves again. The point is it's all stress and all very real for each individual living through it. No one should be dismissive of the stress another is going through. Stress is stress and equally unhealthy no matter it's source.It's not that mature people have nothing to offer or don't have the ability to understand the young. Quite the contrary. What the adult must do is be mindful of the perspective of the adolescent (young adult) and not be dismissive of their problems and their feelings. To provide the wisdom of age we cannot dismiss what feelings the young have. We must find out why they are having those feelings and then provide council based on our experiences.

That happens here too. It pisses me off because I ONLY see me or my mom doing things around the house. These things need to be taught to others at a young age so they can learn some responsibility.

Are you planning on attending college soon like within a year? Are you still in high school? Where are you at in your life? What has you so depressed? Can you pin-point it, or is it just a general malaise that everything is fucked? Post a little more about yourself.

Its better you have a talk with your mom.When I was younger I was often depressed and my parents didnt know about it or how I felt when they said something to me. They hated me cos of my reaction to their questions and comments. My comments would make them stare at me like i was a devil. We had arguments everyday.After talking with them and discussing a lot of things, I and my parents understood eachother better and also cleared out any doubts or problems we had. We had so many misunderstandings between us before that day.I started doing small chores or things I notice sometimes when I am just passing through a room or kitchen like picking up a forgotten bowl of popcorn or a empty soda can or putting away the garbage on my way out or the milk or juice somebody left on the table and put it back in fridge. It doesnt take much time or energy to do these things and they dont even occupy the mind.Sometimes when they ask me to do something--I do it but if I am busy or occupied I just let them know I cant do it until I am done with my work. I also started to spend some time with my parents so we can have a small chat, I told them a little about my day, even ask them for their opinion or help on some topics. That made my parents so happy.Having a straight talk with them helped me more than I had imagined. I had thought my parents hated me and even thought of going away or committing suicide. But today I can only say that my parents are my bestfriends. They even helped me overcome my depression.Try to talk to your mom, maybe it will help you out too.

I just graduated high school, and right now I am working. I am attending college in January. Just for the record, I feel a lot better now. After reading "perks of being a wallflower" and talking to my friends, I feel a lot better. I don't feel suicidal anymore at all really anymore. Do I know if that feeling will come back? I hope not! I feel very happy right now. I will say that my home life is still very uncomfortable and everything that I mentioned in my last post is still the same.But I will tell you what I was going through.I had a mixture of overwhelming emotions. And I will try to go through them and list what I was feeling because it was really a lot of different things. It is very hard to explain without talking because I don't feel this way anymore, but I will try.There was a feeling of extreme paranoia. I was always wondering if my friends were my friends. I questioned everything I did because I was so afraid of making the wrong move. And when I say this, I mean I would question rather I should ask to use the bathroom, and I would think about the consequences of that. My psychiatrist always told me that I think too much. Even though I knew I did, I couldn't stop. I never felt like I was able to hug anyone or receive any kind of affection. It seemed like that was for the normal people. I am 19 years old and have never had a girlfriend and that really ate me up. I felt like I was a freak and that I was doing something wrong. I questioned if I was gay or not. I just assumed that no one liked me in that way. I got into smoking pot because it made me feel better. But I still felt all the paranoia and everything. I smoked pot almost every day for a while during one period. I have recently stopped. I don't feel like I need it anymore. I was always scared of socializing with people as well. I never knew if I was saying the right thing or making the right move in responding back in a certain way. Everything was such a big question to me. I wanted to be loved and I wanted to know that I wasn't different. But I felt so different. And I was. But now I realize that it isn't bad and everyone is different and goes through their own problems. I would talk to certain people because they came off to me as welcoming and understanding. And I would go talk to them about what I was going through but at the same time I would think that I was bothering them, and I felt really bad for that. I guess that was another big problem. I always felt like I was a pest to people. I don't know why, I just felt like I was always bothering someone. The best way I can describe and fill in the cracks here of what I was going through is I felt like I was in a downward spiral of emotion and I didn't know how to feel or what to feel or if what I was feeling was the truth. I was always searching for answers. I maybe thought I had a personality disorder or something and I was constantly looking up different things to see if it fit me. I just wanted an answer to why I was going through what I was going through.That is why the book, "Perks of Being a Wallflower" helped me soooo much. Charlie, the main character in the book, reminded me of me. A lot of answers came to me in that book and it made me feel a lot better. Charlie was so much like me it was unreal. I felt like this book was made for me.

You just described me in your post..LOL......but I have a personality disorder

I hope i'm not being too personal, but I was wondering what your personality disorder is? I am very interested.

BPD or Borderline personality disorder

Actually, I have read up on that before. My concern with that personality disorder is that it is too broad of a diagnosis. They list so many possible symptoms so many people can have it.So I'm curious... since you got diagnosed with BPD, did they give you meds, have they told you anything that is going to help you with having BPD?

The symptoms are broad and sometimes it can even be diagnosed wrongly....the doc I last saw thought I was ADHD and later said it was BPD not ADHD....LOL

I took meds for a long time, but they didnt help me and my chances of committing suicide kept increasing so I dropped out of it.

Only thing that helped me was acceptance from others. My parents and my BF have helped me a lot. They gave me love and care which I needed so much and now though I still have symptoms and I am depressed 90% of the time but I am happy within my heart.