So I kind of want some people's view on this, and am sort of just sorting out my own thoughts, so if you have any comments or advice, feel free to leave them.I'm an almost-18-year-old guy and I'm not really sure what I am sexuality-wise. I think I'm more straight but I would do some stuff with a guy. I could even see a relationship with particularly this one guy. One of my closest friends probably. When he still went to my school 2 years ago, we talked somewhat, but weren't really close, but this year, for some reason, after he's been going to a school 40 miles away (but he still lives within a block of me), we've gotten to be pretty tight friends. I know he's straight and all and has a girl he's been talkin to for a few months, and will hook up with once in a while, and he hooks up with girls when he's drunk. We watch movies together, talk about our problems, compare girls (lol), and hang out quite a bit. We've also gotten drunk together a few times and plan to go to the same college (independently of each other—as in, we decided to go to the same college, but not bc of each other's decision). Anyways, to make a long story short—I'm pretty sure I'm mostly straight, but have had thoughts about doing stuff or being something with him, even though I would never tell anyone nor could I see "spending my life" with another guy. We joke about being gay with each other and our friends joke on how much we hang out and "what we do" when we're together so much lol, and we talk or text like every day. We both are kind of…effeminate, I guess? Like not the lisp or annoying (in my opinion) showy-gay way…just like idk laugh a lot and do what a lot of people would probably consider gay. Although we've never "seriously" talked about being gay.. we've joked about it and talk about sex and what we've done with girls and joke about jacking off, etc., but I guess we both consider each other to be straight.. So my thing is, one time when we were drunk we were at this party with a lot of girls and were pretty tipsy and were both grindin on girls, etc, but as we were walkin off we both like happened to turn around and he said "wow dude u almost kissed me" and kinda laughed. im not sure but i think i would've liked that..don't know how he would've reacted if that really happened, but i think i would like to kiss him and/or do more. the thing is—we're really tight just as friends and can talk about almost everything forreal. i wouldn't wanna approach him in this regard and ruin that by his thinking we can't be close bc i'm like gay or whatever.. like i don't really feel like this about all guys or anyone else for that matter.. but he's like really hot… and nice, and hyper—like a lot of our friends don't like when they hang with us together cuz we're loud and annoying lol but i like that part about him so we get along. and plus i'm a little overweight (but working on it =]) so i think he's attractive. to get to the point: tomorrow, i turn 18 at midnight and we're going to a hookah bar. when we've been at a closed club (party) before, we've grinded and all of that, and just been like 2 normal guys at a party, but this time he's not gonna be able to go home that late, so he's gonna stay at my house for the night. we've, like i said, joked about jackin off and stuff, but the thing is—i'd kind of like to do it with/to him. my pondering is: should i bring it up/do it/ask him about it? i don't wanna ruin the type of close relationship that we have by jumping into being like jackoff buddies or him thinking im coming out to him, then it being weird hanging out afterward, cuz if i knew his thoughts and that he wouldnt wanna do that (like i said from indications about how he looks at/talks to girls, and what we say about girls when we're together, he's 100% straight, but some stuff we say seems gay lol so idk) with me, then i would never ruin what kind of friendship we have in doing something like this, but truth is if he would wanna do it, and may have similar thoughts to mine/these, then i would wanna try it. ughh dilemma!
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Advice? Comments?
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I don't have time to respond right now but I will, as will others, so keep checking back.
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Welcome to A2A, sixinches. I'm not sure what advice to give. Pushing too hard could turn out bad. Actually, even if something happens without pushing, it could be awkward later and end up killing the friendship. But then life is about taking risks and playing safe can make for a dull life, so I don't know. There's no doubt that the safest option is to leave things as they are: do you feel anything else would be worth the risk?
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Well he's not gonna spend the night til tomorrow now, but we hung out tonight, with some other people. I'm not sure what some of our friends think lol because like he has a theater room and we sit by each other whenever we watch TV or movies, while most of our other friends like spread out or sit next to their bf's/gf's. But tomorrow during the day he's going to hang out with some people from his school, and his..."girl" with whom he'll make out and stuff, but then I'm not sure what to expect from spending the night with him. I really like what kind of relationship we have currently, because, like I said, we can talk about anything, joke around, and we don't really judge each other about anything; then again, we've never talked about this, so I'm not sure what to think. Whenever I think about a great friend, he comes to mind, and he is one of the three friends I have whom I would say I fully trust, and, like my other two friends (both girls btw), I feel like I honestly love him. But...I feel like I love them differently. For one, one is my cousin---six months older, and like I said, a girl, so familial/friendly love there, and the other is my best girl friend about whom I've never had "those types" of feelings, someone with whom I can also talk about pretty much anything---even awkward things, but I feel like I still love the guy friend differently. I don't know, though. I've often had weird guy-guy relationships. I'm never really "great friends" with most guys; most of my good friends have always been female, mostly because of the maturity level, but I feel like we have a really mature relationship, both being guys, and can talk seriously or be immature, and always be on the same page.
Getting to your question, though: I LOVE what we have, and would LOVE to go further, perhaps if I could see the future, but I wouldn't really want anyone else to know, and I wouldn't want it to end badly and have us no longer be friends after any other type of relationship... So I'm still at a loss, basically.
@oldfolks: Thanks, and I await your input.
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Like Pete said, your situation is a difficult one and there really isn't an easy answer if there's an answer at all.I think what you need to do is a rather detached risk assessment and then extrapolate that out. Imagine what will take place if he rebuffs your advance. Imagine what would take place if he accepts your advance. While undertaking such an exercise play it out to how it might effect the relationship you could have in college. Think about the long term ramifications as they play out in a strange new place where he may be the only person you really know.I've tried and tried to think of way to say this without telling you what to do and I keep coming up short...So, fuck it. This is what I would do if it were me and why. I would not attempt to do anything with him at this point. The reason is simple, your going to the same college, and for me having at least one good friend at a strange place would be more important then any sexual frustration felt at present. Besides, if it was me and I was still into him at college and he's somewhat open to the possibility, I think, in college, away from the "high school scene" and all that entails, he would be more open to experiment.So, as I see it, one course of action is lose, lose and the other is win, win... but the one that's win, win isn't the one your gonna want to hear.Lose, lose... You make a play now and more than likely regardless of what happens it's going to be awkward after, and you run the risk of losing your friend, whether he has sex with you or not, and thus your alone in a foreign place. Even if you all became "an item" chances are at your age and with the stress of going off to school, which is not something minor (at first), it's not going to last and, there again, your alone away at school.Win, win... You bide your time and do nothing now. You will have a good friend when your off at school and being that both of you are off at school, away from the societally ingrained expectations, he may be more willing to experiment. Then even if things were awkward after, somehow, at school it's sometimes more easy to brush aside, there's just to much other shit to focus on. Now understand I'm not advocating trying to jump his bones the first week of college, but instead, while your at college, when the opportunity may present itself.That's what I would do but this is your path to travel. The decision has to be made by you and sometimes over thinking things doesn't work. Just keep in mind, as certain as death, the one sure fact of life is that no matter how we imagine the game we intend to play, that's not how life is going to shuffle the deck.Having said all this I want to add a disclaimer. When I had the opportunity I never tried to get with the guys I thought might be interested in me and I deeply, deeply regret that now.There, I'm no help at all.
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Actually, your comments were pretty helpful. To clarify, though, I don't intend on having sex with him; although I'm not sure that doing other sexual things wouldn't have similar emotions attached. Rationally, like you said, I wouldn't want to be at college with no friends because I ruined our relationship. I mean I know of other people also going to this school, but obviously we aren't great friends like this guy and I are. So like you suggest I will probably take the lose-lose for now at least. I'm going to assume, like you suggest, that college will present plenty of opportunities to try out stuff with him, particularly if he gets into the same dorm as I have been accepted into. We mutually agreed not to room together because they say that's a quick and easy way to ruin a friendship. Although I'm sure we'll spend the night at each other's places more on college, so maybe that in itself will enable stuff to happen if he's open to it. I know everyone says college is for learning about yourself and trying new things as much as it's for the degree, so maybe we can both open up to each other in this regard.It's just how much I, yes, overthink it; I think well he's straight because he's done x with girls, but...I consider myself straight and have done the same as he has with girls, yet have these feelings. Then I think about how much we talk, text, and hang out, and I pick up random little things that don't just seem like jokes that he will say, that don't seem like jokes because some stuff he says that people may think are jokes are when we (two) are alone- so there's no...pretentiousness, I guess you could call it, necessary to make people laugh, though it usually makes him and me laugh. So I'm just not sure... I guess, like always, I will continue to wait, overthinking, until later when I'm either more sure of each of our feelings, or realize better that he has none for me. Sorry for the extremely long posts, guys, and thanks for the input. If anyone else happens to have a different angle or further comments, they would be welcome. Thanks.
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Update: I'm not really sure exactly how to feel about what I'm about to say. I'm really excited, but it could always cause problems. We decided not to room together, but I kind of wanted to deep down, but didn't say anything when he said it's probably best to meet new people and room separately. But now we're thinkin we're gonna be in the same building because of some changed circumstances, so we're actually considering rooming together. It'd just be we two, and I think it could work out well. I'd really rather be with him (someone I know well and know that he can be serious when I need serious time too—rather than some pothead or loud person who never studies or sleeps), even if we didn't get involved in anything more. So I'm definitely holding off on any further pressure to that kind of relationship, for now. If it happens in college, que será será, I guess. So good news overall.
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Quite apart from other considerations, it's a good thing to be able to choose a roommate who will be compatible in terms of study and sleep.