My depression is getting bad

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My depression is getting really really bad anymore. The doc gave me some more pills, new stuff I haven't taken before... busspar or bussbar or something like that. She says it's time for a major life change but I don't think that's in the cards nor do I see how it could be accomplished right now, nor what the hell I could do.Sometime I catch myself just staring at this parking lot out here and my head is completely empty.I feel like my wife hates me and regrets marrying me. Sex has become just a vague memory and for some reason I'm fine with that. All sex sounds like right now is a lot of emotional effort. I feel very distant from my wife. I feel like such a total absolute failure in life. I know I've done some great designs but it's gotten me no where but at a dead end career. Nothing seems to work out, it's just failure, after failure, after failure. I find it hard to care much about anything anymore.

I'm so sorry, Scotty. That sounds like really bad depression. At least, though, you know that it is depression - you know intellectually that your wife doesn't hate you, even though you feel it. You know intellectually that you have done great designs, and therefore your life has not been a failure, but has created good things, but it doesn't feel like that because of the depression.BuSpar is a rather good anxiolytic with antidepressant activity, but it takes several weeks to be effective, so hang in there and for now just try to endure, until the clouds lift.

I agree.Take pride, solace, and joy in the face that you HAVE made good designs, that you KNOW your wife doesn't hate you, that you DIDN'T fall out of a 4th story window, lol.Wait it out, things always get better, even if it doesn't seem so. You just have to keep your eyes open.

Yes, I know all that intellectually but I do believe my attitude is doing a lot to ruin the few relationships I have with people. However, I don't know what they want me to do. If I had the power to change things, I would. I try real hard to be positive and upbeat with everybody but I think it come across as disingenuous because I can't maintain that level of animation and that just makes me seem bi-polar. On top of all that I'm back to three hours of sleep a night. I don't know why I can't sleep. Well it's not that I can't sleep it's just the I wake up constantly all night long.

Well, I'm sure people know that you have trouble with emotions, and your depression, and I'm sure they don't blame you for it. Besides, what they think of you, doesn't REALLY matter, just whether or not they're with you or not, you know? If they're friends, they're going to be there, whether your gloomy or ecstatic. If not, oh well, you may not see them again for quite some time.And with the sleeping, have you tried a new mattress or pillow. Or a different sleeping position?

Originally Posted By: OldFolksMy depression is getting really really bad anymore. The doc gave me some more pills, new stuff I haven't taken before... busspar or bussbar or something like that. She says it's time for a major life change but I don't think that's in the cards nor do I see how it could be accomplished right now, nor what the hell I could do.Buspar. I took that once... It's usually used as an anti-anxiety med. It comes with side effects that cannot really be anticipated, but if any occur or increase in intensity you should notify your physician immediately. If you will be taking this anti anxiety medicine for a long period of time, you will need to check regularly for its effectiveness as well as for the buspar side effects. Buspar may make some people feel dizzy, lightheaded, drowsy or less alert than normal. I used to find myself staring into space for long periods of time. You should make sure that you know how you react to this medicine before driving, operating machinery or any other activities which require alertness and concentration. I had trouble. They finely took me off of it... be ready for the DT. It sucks!

"Well, I'm sure people know that you have trouble with emotions, and your depression, and I'm sure they don't blame you for it."Intellectually, yes. However in reality human beings don't work that way. Human beings are short sighted creatures rarely capable of genuine personal empathy who's only apparent motivation is social superiority. Colleagues, friends, husbands, wives they all care after the fact when death has made caring a finite expenditure of energy that will allow them to return to their own concerns after an appropriate amount of time has passed. They will all cry at your funeral and bemoan your passing but as long as your here they will curse your existence for the distraction and disappointment you are.

First off, you think your the only one in that boat?You make money, your stable, you have a job and a wife and a house.That is not a failure.second, have you ever considered self medication with a fat chronic blunt?

i know this want make you feel better but maybe it might put a small grin on your face. Larger size in your email to add - i didn’t think you would mind sharing the smaller version.

Thank you Caleb. That's making me cry. I can't tell you how much that means to me. Your a great, great friend and a great great person.

That's so lovely! Brought a smile to my face as well.

I sure miss my puppy-dog. I think that is part of what is getting me down so much. Caleb captured him perfectly.

Ahhhhhhh How Cute!
What a great water color Cal. You did an awesome job...

Scotty, I'm sorry you lost your friend and family member. When I lost my Cat of 18 years, I was devastated for almost a year. I still get all emotional when I think of him or have a really bad day and just need a kitty snuggle. Their love is soooooo unconditional.

You never get over it Scotty... Ya just learn to live with it better

Big Hugs to you Man!

wow... I didn't think gorgeous people could get depressed.I'm sorry Scotty I sometimes have those rare random moments where I get severely depressed. Especially lately. I miss home already but I'm trying to learn to deal with it. I feel like giving up sometimes and school JUST started. Or my insecurity will completely take me over and I'll convince myself I'm ugly, pathetic, and stupid. I don't know... I kind of have my own methods of dealing with my depression and that's praying and listening to music... helps alot.I hope things get better darling you're such a wonderful and amazing person

Thanks Hun, I've been doing better. I'm tired of hearing myself complain, anyway. I guess one method I have of dealing with things is to pour myself into alternate realities. Well, I guess that's not dealing with it that's just avoiding it. I've really tried to get into colonial history and architecture and have been reading about things as diverse as phaeton carriages, architecture of the James river, a biography of Jefferson and the most distracting and non-productive of all things, drawing and redrawing and redrawing Monticello and Poplar Forest from H.A.B.S. drawings. The worst part of this is that eventually I'll become board with whatever subject I'm studying and then I'll be between manias and in a worse funk than ever and even farther behind in life.If your home sickness gets to bad focus on the next time there's a break and you can make it back home. Generally the first few times of coming back home is nice and you won't want to leave but very soon you start missing your life that's back at college and coming home, while still a welcome treat, doesn't hold the same allure it once did.

Scotty,Why don't we plan a road trip?

Sounds great to me, Roc. Anything that will allow me to run from reality a little longer. Where do we head?

How have you feeling lately?? Has it gotten better?