Don't Want to be Gay, Help!

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I don't know where to begin but I have a terrible problem. I finding all of my attractions to be towards men. I am extremely frustrated because I used to like girls genuinely. Since I was a little kid and before I even knew what "gay" was I liked girls and wanted to have a girlfriend. I remember getting erections from seeing Disney "princesses" when I was little and not knowing why.

My teen years were terrible. I was socially awkward, always by myself, girls ignored me. There were girls I liked but I never knew how to approach them. Sometimes there would be a girl I was attracted to a lot and then I'd gradually watch as she'd just flirt with some alpha male and I'd get more and more depressed as I eventually knew the two were having sex and I was still a miserable, lonely, virgin. Even if I got the courage to ask a girl out, they never said yes. I wasn't ugly but I was convinced I had something physically wrong with me. I was bullied and alienated all the time. I had extremely low self-esteem.

I spent this time masturbating several times a day to pornography. Jenna Jameson was the first pornstar I became familiar with probably around age 15 and from then on out I got really into porn and jacking off. My arousal was completely from the women on the screen and I thought if I would never be with a woman this was good enough. In my later teen years though I'd occasionally get a gay thought that would occur just before orgasm when I was jerking off. I just kind of ignored it then.

This later progressed though to looking at gay porn, talking to gay guys online, masturbating anally, phone sex, and even sending pictures to guys. After I ejaculated from these thoughts I immediately crashed and felt disgusted with myself and dirty. I still did these things though like a pathetic heroin addict. There was a guy I talked on an off with for about 6 months. One night I had just convinced myself no girl would ever want me so I might as well enjoy myself with a guy. I met up with him and he had sex with me with me on the bottom, it was wonderful sex and it felt so good but after I cummed I felt disgusted and excused myself to leave. I talked with him online for another year but whenever we made plans to do it again I just stood him up, on purpose just to make him not want me.

After this act I felt so dirty and disgusting. I thought that only by having sex with a girl I could "reverse the gayness," however irrational that may me I thought it would at least give me piece of mind. The girl I was with did give me an erection. After kissing and touching I would get hard enough to penetrate. I've had 5 female sexual partners in my life, never any girlfriends. The last girl I was with, I couldn't even get an erection and just chalked it up to being drunk.

I am a mess now. I don't want to be gay. Since the time I had sex with a guy, I never again did anything with another male. For a while though I looked at both gay and straight porn and masturbated anally, now I resolved not to ever put anything in my ass again or look at homosexual material, so far I have abstained for about 6 months and it's been 3 years since the sex incident with the guy. I think of it like an alcoholic says they've been sober for x amount of time.

I don't know if that all makes me gay or bi but I always thought I had been attracted to girls. I did genuinely get erections thinking about girls but lately I can't. Thinking about gay sex instantly gets me hard. When I tried to have sex with a girl, my penis got smaller than it's default size.. is that even possible? I guess being bi is not as big of a deal. I don't see it as a fail like being gay, at least I can just choose to do girls. Also if you're in Europe people it seems more popular than being straight.

I want to be a successful man. I want a wife and a family and I need to get over this in order to do it. I do not believe homosexuality is 100% genetic, there has to be environmental influence as well. I feel that because of my low self esteem and rejection by women, my sexuality started drifting towards what was more familiar. If that's the case then I should be able to change it.

Either way, I refuse to accept the "hand that was dealt." I would rather slit the dealers throat, kill the other players at the card table, and steal their cards to build myself a royal flush. If I have to, I guess I will just kill myself. I cannot picture myself living as a homosexual. The idea of having a boyfriend or "partner" makes me sick to my stomach.

I expect to be flamed, criticized, and called a "coward" by open homosexuals on this forum but seriously "fuck you" if you feel that way about me. I don't care how you live and I'll give you all the support you want but I want to live as a heterosexual and I want help and advice to do that. I think I still am at least a little attracted to girls and maybe I can build on that?

I'm an atheist and hate god so I guess the conversion therapy wouldn't work. It all seems like Christian bullshit to me anyways, but please someone help me. I don't want to kill myself over this but it's destroying me.

Noone WANTS to be gay, well aside from madonna.You are what you are.Bible thumping do gooders have told you its a sin, that your shit, that your not as good as them because your gay, its all a crock of shit.More and more proof has been found that your are born gay or straight.I wish I had that proof, but its gone.Java emailed me some pics of genes a couple years back, and a few computers back as well.She was working in that field, Iv asked her for them since, but since she was no longer at that lab she no longer has them.You can see a huge and clear difference in genes for man, woman and gay men or women.You are what you are. Noone chooses to be tall, or short or what color eyes to be born with, if your gay, it was not a choice.Your only hope is to come to terms with the fact if your gay, and live your life the best you can as gay.Maybe your just curious? perhaps you are just fucking around, taking a walk on the other side to see how it is and once curiosity is satisfied, youll lean more to a woman's body than a mans?Being straight I am not the authority, however what I have learned form friends that are gay is that to be gay, its not about fucking the same sex, its about the emotional connection to the same sex. If its just about the physical act, its not gay.Well the act is gay, but the person is not, just kinky.Noone would choose it. Why would you choose to be hated, harassed, singled out, beaten and looked down upon, your life made harder, and made to feel like less of a person than everyone else?It is not a choice, there is no cure. It is not like being an alcoholic. I may not be gay, but I am an alcoholic. I do know something about that subject. As far as putting something in your ass, how does that make you gay?I very often have a finger in my ass during sex. Guess what? Im not gay, but I like her finger in my ass when we are fucking. To say that being gay is a 'fail' is a crock of shit. Its also a slap in the fucking face to thousands of gay men and women that have said fuck society, and went on to be successful. Having a wife and kids does not automatically make you a success. lack of one does not make you a failure. To think otherwise is a farce.

I don't give a damn what the bible types think. I think they're backward idiots putting their faith in something invisible and non-existent. However even with all the advances in rights and whatnot, it still isn't a desirable way to live and I feel like I would be a FAIL to be gay. I'm not slapping anyone in the face, it's great that they are successes, all the power to them it just isn't my path.I know putting something in your ass is not gay but when I did it I pretended it was a cock. I still feel that having a good looking wife and children gets you further in the business world. You look more stable and responsible, that's just the way it is. Even the way gays are portrayed in movies, prancing around and being overly flamboyant is testimony to the way society still views them. I don't want to be in that demographic.I never at any point wanted a relationship or love from a guy, just the sex part turns me on. Even if it is genetic I think the environment must play a role. Blaming everything on genes is a cop-out, an excuse. A murderer could say killing is in his genetics. A pedophile could say the same thing. I think even if someone is born with a genetic predisposition to being gay, it could still remain latent until something triggered it, like in my case I think rejection from women led to these perversions. I view it in my case as an addiction. I had the same habits with my thoughts and pornography viewing as I had with cocaine or marijuana. I am not saying all homosexuals are addicts or immoral but the way it worked with me is like an addiction.I just want to know, if there any kind of therapy or cognitive restructuring that can at least heighten my attraction to women? Some part of me likes girls but I want to bring that out and suppress any gay tendecies.If Tom Cruise can do it why can't I? There was that congressman who was married to his wife for 50+ years, I mean I doubt I even have 50 years left to live so that can't be so difficult. I think of it like being a spy. There were Soviet spies who lived for years in the United States, with Top Secret clearances working in sensitive installations and laboratories stealing nuclear secrets and the names of U.S. agents overseas who were tortured and executed as a result. They spoke perfect American accents and all of their colleagues thought they were true American patriots who hated Communism just like them while all the while they worked to destroy Capitalism. I want to be like KGB.

All of that being the case, I think Id relax if I were you.No emotional contact? sounds more like bi than gay.If you were less stressed about it you may well perform with a woman.I know several people in Utah that are powerful business men. They have a nice scam, to be really successful here you have to be mormon. They join the church and practice it all at home, then head to California mostly (why? I have no idea, but they like cali for most trips) and the wife does as she wants and he gets drunk and fucks men.You said its a better way to be, its perceived as more stable.I agree, it is. But secret lives can be had, and another one put on for public display. Just make sure that the girl knows what your in to and what you want on the side.Youd be a real mother fucker to keep it secret from her.

The therapies you seek are dubious at best and damaging at worst. I wouldn't encourage or suggest anyone try to be anything other than what they are. And, that "what they are" label is of no consequence to the ultimate goal of life, which is happiness.

Do what makes you happy. Life is to short to be unhappy which is all repression like Tom, governors and senators is going to get you. Think about this what good is success and social standing if your miserable in the life you've created. Or, here's another little thought that nobody ever brings up, what if rather than a success your just a mundane ordinary work a day person with maybe only one friend you see at the office AND your married to someone your not even attracted to. The point being don't build your life around being some success that may never come.

I think right now the only advice I have is to say calm down. Whatever you are it's not the end of the world, nor is it worth taking your life over. Well, that and realize the happy little nuclear family, picket fence idea, with button down job is a myth whether your gay, bi or straight. Get the basics of your life right (happiness) and the rest will fall into place.

See I wouldn't do that. If I could attract a suitable female and date long term or marry or whatnot I wouldn't have gay affairs. I view that as extremely risky and just plain wrong. However I would never tell her I was somewhat attracted to guys, it wouldn't be necessary if I didn't act on it.On a side note, I have severe OCD and this is becoming another obsession. I think over thinking it makes my time with girls awkward. Is there such thing as being obsessively worried about being gay even if you aren't?Also when I'm at the bar girls don't even approach me even though I want them to. It's so humiliating when they walk right past me, go up to my friend and try and hit on him. He's got a girlfriend and tells them that and they still hit on him. In public I have had guys approach me and start talking to me and seem "too friendly." I just ignore them and hurry away because I think they are gay and think the same of me. I don't think straight guys go up to other straight guys in situations like a supermarket and make conversation with them on a normal basis unless they run into someone famous or something. Is it possible to just "look gay" even if you dress normal? Is that why girls just avoid me and creepy males approach me sometimes?Also if there is a gay gene, is there a bi gene?And as far as therapy, I want to try the process where they show you pictures of guys and then give you an electric shock. I think that could work. I mean they have medicine that makes people sick if they try and use drugs or alcohol in order to keep them clean. Maybe the future holds a pill that does the same for gay thoughts.

Slow down and try to take one thing at a time. How you choose to live your life is up to you but don't put the cart before the horse here. Your already talking about marrying and girlfriends and gay sex and all that and you haven't even figured out yourself what you are.Get right with yourself in your mind before you think about anything else. To successfully embark on such a mental endeavor don't project on the future deal only with the question at hand, and the question at hand is "am I gay?" Deal with that before you start delving into the ramifications of living life one way or the other. Get right with yourself in your mind and your decisions about the rest of your life, as they come up, will be better informed.

Originally Posted By: shawungaAnd as far as therapy, I want to try the process where they show you pictures of guys and then give you an electric shock. I think that could work. I mean they have medicine that makes people sick if they try and use drugs or alcohol in order to keep them clean. Maybe the future holds a pill that does the same for gay thoughts. I'm sure that's a no-go. I would bet my left nut rather than the desired outcome a good many men who undergo such treatment develop a electric shock fetish rather than an avoidance correlation.I seem to remember from my college days reading about a couple of experiments one of which was electrically shocking pedophiles when they were sexually aroused by pictures thoughts or whatever children. The result was not a negative connection to children but instead an electric shock fetish was incorporated into their child sex fantasies. Upon release some of the offenders who would later return to preying upon children not only engage in sexual relations with children but would also shock themselves as well as the children they were having sex with.A second experiment evolved physical castration. Several rapist were castrated in the thought without hormones to drive the desire they would not engage in the act. This was not the case, instead some who underwent this process turned to rape by instrumentation as a means to fulfill their desires. Human sexuality is a complex thing and usually doesn't respond well to attempts to modify it. For this reason I don't think it should be attempted where no one is being harmed by the "objectionable" act.

What about the experiment in the 70s where they took a bunch of gay men to the brothel and monitored them via one-way mirror with prostitutes. I think out of 70 of the men, only one actually had sex with the prostitute and that was only after she initiated it, the others just sat there awkwardly.In that situation I certainly would have at least attempted sex, you'd have to be stupid to just sit there especially when the government bought you a hooker. I find the vagina attractive and beautiful, from my understanding a genuine gay man would be repulsed or disgusted I just can't get as aroused as I want to. I'll ask again, is there anything I can do to build on that attraction and heighten in. I already like girls I just want to like them more.

Have you considered that you have built up so much anxiety about this that your ability to preform with a woman has been compromised. This gets back to the root question of am I bi, am I gay, am I straight. I think if you figure out the answer to that question and come to terms with it any anxiety you have may be easier to deal with. If nothing else not knowing for sure who you are will add to the anxiety you would already naturally feel.

In answer to your question, no, I am not aware of any successful means to change or heighten your attraction to one thing or another.

Abstinence from anything sexual may help in achieving an erection but it won't do anything that I'm aware of to alter your attractions. And I think that would be a pretty miserable life, of course I 'm horny all the time.

Hello there Shawunga.. I'm going to try and put things into perspective from a gay male on this topic. Yes being gay shouldn't matter much and truthfully it doesn't, but might also help knowing someone who is gay has been in your shoes. This might be a long post, so I apologize in advance, but I encourage you to read it.  Quote:My teen years were terrible. I was socially awkward, always by myself, girls ignored me. There were girls I liked but I never knew how to approach them. Sometimes there would be a girl I was attracted to a lot and then I'd gradually watch as she'd just flirt with some alpha male and I'd get more and more depressed as I eventually knew the two were having sex and I was still a miserable, lonely, virgin. Even if I got the courage to ask a girl out, they never said yes. I wasn't ugly but I was convinced I had something physically wrong with me. I was bullied and alienated all the time. I had extremely low self-esteem. This was exactly how I was in school. I had crushes on girls in school but never had the courage to approach them. I was not popular, not even close. I was teased, bullied, harassed... you name it, it was probably done to me.Like you stated I also eventually turned to pornography as a release because I felt I'd never have sex so mine as well enjoy watching others. I started out the first couple years just watching straight porn, and like you I always assumed it was the females I was attracted to and desired to watch. As I got older, I noticed I was started to watch the guys more. Even at school I noticed I was looking at the other boys. I assumed it was because I was jealous because they had these great bodies and I wanted a body like theirs. Also I figured I was jealous because they had these beautiful girlfriends, something I felt I could never have. So I just dismissed those thoughts.I remember also stumbling on gay porn. I remember how erotically excited I got from watching and the enjoyment I received from it. But like you, after I had an orgasm I felt ashamed of myself and even disgusted... but I always returned to it. When I was 15 I had my first homosexual experience. We both performed oral sex on each other and jerked off together. It was enjoyable, but I also felt disgusted with myself. I told myself I was just experimenting and convinced myself I didn't like it and never did anything like it again for over 2 years.For those two years I really struggled with my sexuality. I tried hard, even prayed every night to God to please "fix" me. I eventually had a few girlfriends, but we never had sex. I had many opportunities but every time we started making out and basically naked I could never get aroused. It wasn't the girls fault at all, they were cute. One of the girls, Tina, I was even in love with, but sexually there was just absolutely nothing there. Just a side funny note, later in life when I finally told her I was gay she told me she already knew and that she accepts it and loves me no matter what. We are still great friends today Anyways, I was 17 1/2 when I was lying in bed praying to god to "fix" me like I did every night for years (I know you are not religious but bare with me). After asking God to fix me, I got this feeling of true acceptance wash over my body, it felt like waves of water coating my body. I felt happy and I admit I even cried tears of happiness. I knew than I wasn't broken, and God accepted me for who I was. From that point on I stopped trying to fix myself, but instead I started to accept myself. It was a long road and not an easy travel. But I got there eventually and I have come to learn that homosexuality isn't a curse, disability, or even anything to be embarrassed or ashamed about. We have no control over our sexuality; it’s innate. Society puts a lot of pressure and stress of sexuality, which I hate. Sexuality is just a small insignificant part of who a person is. We should never judge or be judged by our sexuality, but instead of what kind of person we are and how we lead our lives and how we treat other people. I know this is long already but there are some other points I really wanted to hit. Again I am very sorry this is so long, I just have a lot to say.  Quote: I don't see it as a fail like being gay, at least I can just choose to do girls.I know you didn’t mean this has a slap in the face, but it really is. Though I know you meant it as it would be a fail to yourself to be a gay, but as a homosexual it is a slap in the face. Being homosexual is absolutely not a fail, is it a struggle sometimes because of society and close minded people? For sure! But a fail? No way shape or form. Quote:I want to be a successful man. I want a wife and a family and I need to get over this in order to do it. I do not believe homosexuality is 100% genetic, there has to be environmental influence as well. I feel that because of my low self esteem and rejection by women, my sexuality started drifting towards what was more familiar. If that's the case then I should be able to change it. Trust me you can be a successful man, and be gay. You can have a family, the house and the white picket fence. I know several gay male couples that have the typical “straight” home life; kids and all. One of which, I am really close with, He and his partner have been together 28 years, have a 15 year old son who they adopted at a very young age. One runs a highly successful barber shop (yes a real barber shop, not a hair salon.. there is a different lol ) and the other is an executive for an advertising agency.But success is all in the eye of the beholder. What one might see as success might not be the definition for the guy night to him. Don’t let something as silly as sexuality define how successful you will/can be. Just to touch on homosexuality and genetics, I don’t want to get too involved in this topic, but I strongly believe homosexuality is a genetic trait or even a mutation of a gene during gestation; however you wish to say it. There are mounts of research that supports genetic as the cause of homosexuality. Growing up I had no influences that made me gay, I didn’t even really understand what being homosexual was all about until I was in my later teens. But I always knew there was something different about me. I also have a gay sister, a gay uncle, and 2 gay cousins. To me, that screams genetics lol When it comes to environmental influences, I think it’s more the cause of homosexual suppression than the cause homosexuality. Quote:Either way, I refuse to accept the "hand that was dealt." And that is your choice, but you have to ask yourself.. is it worth it? Is it worth not being happy and living a life of doubt? Life is too short. Now I am not saying you won’t find a female who you love and will be happy with, that’s absolutely not what I am saying or saying that you are gay. But to me it sounds like you are denying yourself and you are absolutely miserable because of it. So the misery worth it? Believe me, it’s not.  Quote:If I have to, I guess I will just kill myself. I hope to never see you type that again. Dying over your sexuality is not worth it!! I want to stress sexuality is such a small part of who you are, don’t let it control you. Acceptance is hard, believe me I’ve been there and I guarantee so has every other homosexual/bisexual person.  Quote:expect to be flamed, criticized, and called a "coward" by open homosexuals Let me just say, if anyone criticizes or flames you I’ll be the first one to jump their ass. You don’t seem like a coward to me, you seem like a very confused young man who just needs some guidance. I know I am here to help you, along with many other awesome people on this forum. You can even feel free to Private Message (PM) if needed. Quote:I never at any point wanted a relationship or love from a guy, just the sex part turns me on. I used to think the same thing. The thought of being in a relationship with another male disgusted me at one point, I figured it was just purely physical. But when I got older and had my first relationship with a guy, I knew right I was gay. There was just something different than I felt with a female. I later realized I was just scared to try a relationship because I wanted so hard not to be gay. Quote: If Tom Cruise can do it why can't I?I admit this made me laugh… but not sure what Tom has to do with being gay? Granted when I was younger (Like I am so old right?? Lol) I fantasized about him, but never really thought he was gay… or did I totally miss the memo?? LoL  Quote: And as far as therapy, I want to try the process where they show you pictures of guys and then give you an electric shock. I think that could work. And do you know how many young kids commit suicide after such practices? I can tell you know, electro therapy and things like it are FAR more damaging than they are helpful. I beg you to please never put yourself mentally and physically though something so damaging.My main suggestion for you is to see a therapist, one that is not for or against homosexuality. One that’s going to really help you be who YOU are, not to try and change you into something you are not.Okay I will stop there because this is really a lot longer than I meant lol. But I hope you read it all and it has helped even a little. Take care of yourself

Quote: I find the vagina attractive and beautiful, from my understanding a genuine gay man would be repulsed or disgusted I just can't get as aroused as I want to.Not true. I find the naked woman body to be beautiful, and I am not disgusted by the vagina or think its ugly. I'm just not sexually stimulated by it.

oh and I wanted to add one more thing because I realize I wasn't overly clear. I am not saying you are gay, I cannot decide that. But its obvious you do have a sexuality identity issue that you really need help with.I just wanted to make that clear so you don't think I am trying to "Persuade" you to be gay or what have you

Well that all sucks, i came here hoping maybe to at least get a diagnoses of bi but that kind of throws all my hopes and dreams out the window. Even having a happily married gay life is still not an acceptable choice. i want my own kid not an adopted one from the Philippines and i don't want to pay a woman to carry my child i want to conceive a child with a woman i love. i could never be openly gay it just doesn't fit well with me and my goals, i would rather be miserable to be honest.i guess the solution is just either to isolate myself from society or kill myself with drugs and alcohol. i am extremely furious that out of everyone i know somehow just i get stuck with this affliction, this curse, i fucking control myself, nothing else, all i know is that i will die a heterosexual as least in the eyes of everyone i know.

While it was a very long post, it also highlighted some really important shit and personal thoughts on a subject that affects a hella amount of people.I think when it does all that, really long can be forgiven.How could you sum up all that shit in a shorter post?no fucking way.

I think we all here understand, to varying degrees, what your going through and where your at. What you need to try and take away from this, right now, is that not all is lost and that whatever you are is not the end of the world.Just so you know who your talking to, I'm bi and have been married to the same woman for almost 12 years now. I never figured out my sexuality until I was 28. I'm now 35. Like Eddie and Rad and I'm sure many others I've been where you are now and I can tell you it's not the end and it gets better.I want to second something Eddie said and encourage you to seek a competent therapist and work through your issues. Don't spend energy now worrying about a relationship and the future, deal with your problems at hand.

You're right I mean my biggest problem right now is concentrating on my education. Even if I can't change it I'd rather forget the problem existed so I could just concentrate on getting my degree. Even in classes all I do is look around the room at hot girls desperately trying to feel some kind of arousal. I do get aroused by hardcore depictions of lesbian sex but it has to be really hardcore.

Well that too, but what I actually meant was deal with the internal question of what you like, men or women or both, without sugar coating it or trying to make-up excuses to yourself if you don't like what you think you've determined about yourself. Figure out in your own mind what you like without worrying about the implications of that just yet. In other words spend some time getting to know yourself before you spend to much effort projecting what that may mean for your future.

From what I understand very few people are 100% gay or straight. Most people fall somewhere in between and if you're truly in the middle you're bisexual. Is that still correct? Also according to that finger digit test which is "supposed" to be scientific I am not gay. Does that really tip the scales in my favor? If I had these feelings exclusively towards men for the majority of my life there really wouldn't be any question but why have I felt arousal for women even in my early years?

yeah i really have few female friends and i always thought gay males were always hanging around women. the only relationships i have had with girls were just sex and began as just sex usually the same night I met them, then they just don't call me back or don't answer when I call.i also smoke marijuana constantly, i heard that marijuana contains estrogen which may have an effect on my sex drive. this all started probably around the time i started smoking pot a lot as a matter of fact and some of my strongest urges come just after smoking. maybe if i quit it will go away?