I don't know what to do.

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Well it was more gut wrenching than I expected, just for different reasons. She just kinda took the financial stuff with a quiet desperation. The hard part was we actually spent some time talking about what happened to us and all the mistakes we made and the "only if's." I don't think I've ever felt so bad and emotional drained in my life. I'm just so, so, so sad.

Neil Sedaka said it a long time ago...breaking up is hard to do.The fact that you feel as drained as you do is because you had so much invested in the relationship. But in business we call this a sunk cost, an investment that you made that went sour and you're not going to get it back.Ever notice how many successful individuals file bankruptcy and then wind up back on the top. That's because they're able to put the past behind them and use whatever it was that made them successful once to do it again.The pain is certainly very real right now, and it will be for a while. But you're too good a guy to be down very long. Your family here supports you.

How very true.

Thanks ready...I have to go meet with her again tonight. I'm dreading it. I just want this over with. I don't want to see her or talk to her or go in my old house. It just drags me right back into an emotional quagmire. February and March I was doing pretty good, at least better than now, about moving on. Then I see her, we talk, and I'm right back in a pile of shit.

Then why not talk to her on the phone or meet at another location?If she's making trouble you need a lawyer.

So how did the meeting go?

Good and bad. Bad because she is still wanting and ungodly amount of money, even more than what she wanted before. Good because I know talking to her is an emotion trigger that sends me into the depths of depression. So, I was more guarded about engaging her in any kind of discussion or conversation and because of that I'm not quite so despondent today after talking with her.Still, I just know the money situation is going to cause ugliness.

It's good that you are stand-offish in this situation because of the emotional factor.. Ugliness may ensue... money does that.. You just need to protect yourself.

Originally Posted By: OldFolksStill, I just know the money situation is going to cause ugliness. You will need an attorney. You can't allow her to steal your money.

I presume you could get a lawyer to go in your place to these meetings, and it might be a good idea. At the very least you need back-up to ensure you don't give in to her unfair demands. You can be sure she has a pile of friends behind her, urging her on.

Neither of us can really afford an attorney which is why we've been trying to hash this out ourselves but, yeah, I'm afraid it's going to come to that. The thing is that I'm sure she's right. I'm sure some of the $48,000 she has in debt was spent on and for me, for everything from trips to dinners to groceries. What I have a problem with is that she doesn't want to seem to take into account that I also paid for those things throughout the course of our marriage, just I paid in cash not credit. Or, that I'm a 37 year old man who now has to (God help me) live with my crazy mother while she has, while it may need repair, a house to live in. The other thing I have a problem with is that, had she ever told me how out of hand her debt had gotten I would have helped pay it. I wouldn't have bought expensive cars and trucks and whatever else I wasted money on. It's like I told her, I feel like this information was never shared with me (I won't say hidden because we rarely discussed the others finances with the one another, except for me telling her I was broke or something) and now its like, "here's a bill for $24,000 dollars and get the hell out of my life."Oklahoma is not a common law state and legally the state doesn't even care about matters of infidelity they only care about the monetary seperation. A debt in someones name is that persons debt regardless of marriage. The only thing I am legally responsible for are two joint accounts we have that amount to (morally $3,500) legally $7,000 dollars. In a joint account both parties are legally responsible for the entire amount, not half.On one hand, I feel like I should pay more because she did take care of most of our bills for the first few years of our marriage when I was making nothing and helping mom with her stuff after she (mom) got of the hospital. Yet on the other hand, I'm giving her the house and all it's contents free and clear and she is the one who was running around with another man (of course she says they were "just friends," bullshit I know what I saw).And so you know what I saw, she was sitting on the kitchen counter he was standing between her legs and they were about two inches from a kiss.As you can tell, I have some moral vexation about what I feel I should do. I genuinely want to be fair but the repressed anger in me says, screw her she did this to herself and I don't want to be made a chump again. My cousin is an attorney but I don't really trust him. I don't think he ever really liked me. He has offered to help but I'm ambivalent about it. I know this is going to get messy and she has hinted that she's going to drag my name through the prejudice Oklahoma mud and I don't know how comfortable I am with discussing whatever she decides to say with such a close family member.

Alright Scotty you told me to read and be honest, so remember that!

First off, you do not own her anything more then you are legally bond by, which is the $7000 (but if we want to be honest its truthfully only $3500 since you are only 50% responsible). I understand you emotionally feel you owe her more because you feel bad about the debt she incurred. But lets look back at what I said, debt SHE incurred and you knew nothing about. You said it yourself if she would have came to you while married you would have helped, but, like her affair, she kept it a secret and is now wanted you to pay for it. Sorry but in my book that is a no go, she made her bed now let her sleep in it. In my opinion, she's lucky you are willing to pay the full $7000. As hard as it might be and it might crush you, you need to simply lay down the law and say you will NOT pay any of the debt she secretly incurred.

As for her threatening to slander your name and pull you through the mud, let her know there are legal actions that can be made against slander, and if she wants to be that way you can easily counter how she is an adulteress. I understand you love her, trust me I get it, but you cannot let her push you around and guilt trip you into paying more then you deserve. You have to remember, regardless what you might be thinking, she did YOU wrong! You're a good guy with a genuine heart and SHE took advantage of that.

You made the comment how maybe if things remain amicable maybe she'll come back and you'll get back together. Scotty, you are too good for that and deserve better. Even if she wanted you back you should not want to take her back after she has shown her true colors. Trust is a valuable thing, something she squashed.

When it comes to the house and the content, it should all be sold; including the house. This would benefit you both. Granted who knows how much you might get, but by the sounds of it any money you both could get would be a true benefit. You worked just as hard as she did for the house and its contents, so she shouldn't get it all. Best advice I can give is to have an auction and sell it all and slit the money 50/50.

As for your job.... babe you gotta get out, or at very least you need to tell your boss your situation and why its important he reinstates your wage. Granted by the sounds of it he won't give a damn about your situation, but you own it to yourself to try. You might have to look at getting into a new field, but whatever it might be you need to better your situation; you need to regain a sense of a life.

When it comes down to it, you need to start looking out for yourself and screw everyone else. I know its not in your general nature because you are a sweet guy, but in times like this you need to stop worrying about others and how they view you, and look after yourself. You need to get over the idea that some how this is your fault; YOU DID NOT CAUSE HER TO CHEAT! She did that all on her own. She's an educated adult, she knew what she was doing was wrong and she did it anyways. Its okay to be hurt by what she did, but do not take ownership of what she did; she owns that! So start looking out for yourself!

Before you go giving away the house, Scotty, you should get it properly valued. It will cost money but it's essential. You might be surprised what it is worth.

Eddie, everything you've said is exactly what I've wanted to say.

Scotty, you are an amazing person and you need to stop letting her push you around. She wronged you! She doesn't deserve someone as amazing as you!!

Please be strong and don't give into her bullshit.

I'm just writing this shit cause I need to write it for my own clarity... I know there are no answers to be had, though I do greatly appreciate everyones input and support.I'm keenly aware of how fucked up this is but part of the reason I feel so bad about myself and everything is I feel like everything is my failure. For instance, I still get defensive whenever, mom or somebody, criticizes her. I know what she has done. Why do I feel like I still need to protect her? I mean that's why I'm so befuddled about what I monetary, may or may not, owe her. I feel like I'm abandoning her. I feel like I'm not doing my job of taking care of her. It makes me feel like a complete and total failure. I know it's her problem but I feel like I should have done something or have been better prepared somehow so that when the day came that she was tired of me I wouldn't be sending her out into the world with everything stacked against her. I feel like I ruined her life, like let her down, like I wasn't there for her, like I have failed at everything.I know this doesn't make any sense, it's just how I feel. I feel like it was my job to protect her and I didn't see this coming and I failed and now she has to pay the price. I am racked with guilt and self-hatred. It was my job to take care of her. I didn't do it well enough and not only have I cost her, her marriage, I've cost her any financial security. It's a gut wrenching failure for me.All I ever wanted to be was a good person.

Being a good person is no guarantee of success - in fact, it is a considerable stumbling-block to success in this world. Therefore I have more respect for failures than successes.

You are a good person!!! AMAZING person!!

Quote:

I feel like I ruined her life, like let her down, like I wasn't there for her, like I have failed at everything.

That is exactly what she did to you. SHE fucked up.. not you!

you shouldn't be punished for HER mistakes.

Originally Posted By: OldFolks

All I ever wanted to be was a good person.

Read the book of romans.

Thanks but for the moral struggle I prefer something in the vein of To Kill a Mockingbird or Catcher in the Rye.

Originally Posted By: OldFolksThanks but for the moral struggle I prefer something in the vein of To Kill a Mockingbird or Catcher in the Rye. But those books cannot show you the way to redemption.