I know in the past I've had somewhat codependent tendencies.So, I really do make an effort to do "sanity checks" as their called in computer science.. (Making sure that your program is running properly and not doing some strange miscalculation to give some bizarre result due to minor or major programming errors.)The problem I am having right now.. is I am really worried about my relationship. I can't put this girl on a pedestal because I know she isn't perfect. She is forgetful, can be impulsive, naive, and doesn't always think things through. None the less I am madly in love with her, because she is caring, fun, loving, and can develop interest in things that goes beyond surface level.I realize you can't "fix" people however, I do believe that any relationship your in.. you are building each other up or tearing each other down. (A firm belief of mine is that nothing in life is constant from a somewhat objective point of view.) And since we started dating she has gotten a bit better about some of her issues because, I stress the importance of her thinking first and point out that her actions have consequences.She has been hell bent on getting a job for quite some time now. The problem with this is her and I are at somewhat different places in life in this respect. My family is currently paying for my college while hers can not afford to.She is 19 while I am 23. I have made a lot of mistakes in college and if my parents hadn't messed up quite a bit of my education by never informing me I'm dyslexic.. never addressing the issue and never promoting good study habits.. they would be well within their rights to expect me to have graduated by now or cut me off.The reason why I worry about her getting a job is because, I really.. really.. really love her and I really really really want this relationship to work out. The problem with it is that she lives in some condo's which are about a 30 or 40 minute drive away and she openly admits she is horrible at scheduling.She keeps talking about how she has had band + highschool so she knows "what its like" to go to school and have a job. By contrast, I have lived in an apartment and done my best to study, hold a job, and do well.I for 3 years lived with what is now my ex and we realized that it is really, borderline impossible to A. keep the apartment clean B. Study and get the grades we want C. Maintain a job.I hate to have a "me vs. everything else in her life" mentality.. but, what I think my girlfriend doesn't understand is now.. that is pretty much the way it is going to be.I returned back to live with my parents after my ex and I broke up. I had to quit my job since I now commute 40 miles to school and my job was around my school.I have recently really started working harder than ever to change my life around. I'm 100 pounds over weight, so I've started getting up at 4:30 in the morning so that I can get on a schedule and exercise and when school rolls around I can right after working out study on days I don't have class and finally get the grades and the GPA I want.I am making major changes to my life to really fix a lot of problems I've had in the past. This is part of the reason for the time being I have no interest in trying to get a job myself. Especially after last spring semester where working with my group literally ate up any time I would have had to work.I have rambled a bit, but where I am going with this is I really want this relationship to work.. and I am worried it won't.The reasons why are because, now once school starts... Its up to her to manage her schedule. In band/highschool there is "drama" and its a lot of work, but its scheduled for you.She is now going to have to deal with drama at work, handle her own study/work schedule, and she expects that seeing/talking to me isn't going to change.. However, yesterday something happened that I am hoping made her realize why I am worried. She was eating dinner with her family and I sent her a text asking her if she was interested in playing an online game after. She responded "I'm going help a neighbor by weeding their garden should be done in an hour so after that sure". That was around 5:30. I sent a text at 9:15 asking if she was alright because she had not responded. She said she was just watching her 5 week old cousin and talking to family. She later got online.. and I openly said something I feel is very true.. very real, but I still hate that it is the reality.I told her "look, I'm not mad, but here is what you have to understand tonight you chose your 5-year old cousin over me, you didn't even think about it. I know you keep saying its going to work out and your going to keep seeing me 'if you can help it.' however you just got distracted when you happened to see family and bam without even realizing it you chose them over me. I don't want this to be a 'them vs. me' issue, however what you have to realize is now every single one of your actions has an unavoidable consequence positive or negative.."And the point I am trying to make to her and why I am worried is because even a relatively "easy" job is still taking up her time. She has a lot of family/neighbors and now... I am on a schedule, I have to be..However, now I don't talk to her as much as I like or get to actually be around her as much as I like.. however, she really up till now seems to think everything is just going to be fine.. The way I see it however... is even last semester there were times where the most communication we had was a few text through out the day.A basic principal of psychology is that long distance relationships don't work.. And I wouldn't call this "long distance" however, now.. She is going to have work, no talking to her there.. She is going to have school.. No talking to her there..And in addition to all that.. she is going to have a lot of family/neighbors who are going to want her time.. and unless she more or less quits helping neighbors/cuts family ties.. We aren't really even going to speak on a regular basis.. She always has family members coming in town who she wants to see.. And there is always some "work" being done that she helps out with from remodeling to whatever.So It's not an issue of "family vs. boyfriend" that she is going to think of.. She is just going to feel obligated to help family do stuff... and every action just means less time for us.. (which isn't abundant to begin with).Contrary to popular belief.. distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder.. You miss someone more if you don't see them for a little while.. however.. eventually you quit missing them.. and I'm kinda worried this relationships about to end.. Am I just overly concerned here? I mean.. I really love her.. and really want to stay in this relationship.. However, the idea of seeing my girlfriend once a month (which is a very real possibility) is pretty daunting...
-
Am I wrong to be worried?
-
If it's going to happen let it happen and stop trying to control her. you have to allow her to experience her life her way. you need to stop telling her what to do. I'm just saying, it sounds like you're a little controlling
-
er. I have to objectively disagree with me being controlling. Yes, it is her life to experience her way.Yes, she has the right to do whatever she wants to do.I have never told her she "can't" do anything. I have only actively discouraged her from doing things. Logically if me trying to warn her about the potential risk she is not even thinking about is controlling, then would you telling me to stop telling her what to do.With that said, apparently she mislead me on several points and motivations in her getting a job. So I'm not as worried as I was.
-
I have to agree with Roc, you do seem a bit controlling.First of all, being in a long distance relationship where your girlfriend is only 40 minutes away is a godsend. Im in a LDR right now where my girlfriend is unreachable--she literally lives 1000 miles away. However, we are infatuated with each other and we do everything we can to stay in touch--be it text messages, phone calls, Skype, Facebook, whatever. We're trying our damndest to make it work.Yes it's fucking hard. Yes it is at times frustrating. But if you love someone, and you can't live without em, you suck it up and brush past the hardships. And you can't "discourage" her from doing things. Especially hanging with her family? C'mon man! All you can do is express to her the fact that you are dying to talk to her, and that it'd be nice to hear from her every night or whatever you guys decide to schedule. Tell her that you want to talk more. And don't forget to tell her why.
-
I agree with Roc. You are being very controlling and also very manipulative towards your "girlfriend." Quote: I told her "look, I'm not mad, but here is what you have to understand tonight you chose your 5-year old cousin over me, you didn't even think about it. I know you keep saying its going to work out and your going to keep seeing me 'if you can help it.' however you just got distracted when you happened to see family and bam without even realizing it you chose them over me. I don't want this to be a 'them vs. me' issue, however what you have to realize is now every single one of your actions has an unavoidable consequence positive or negative.." That honestly bothers me a lot and gives me an idea of how you think relationships are supposed to work. You can't monopolize all of your "girlfriend's" free time and, if you want this relationship to work, you're going to have to start trusting her and giving her some space. If she wants to spend time with her family, then she is entitled to do that. If you would like to see her more, then you should try to make arrangements. I live an hour away from my boyfriend we are together every weekend and see each other at least once during the week. While you are acting like you're concerned about her maturing and being able to manage her time with school and work, I honestly think you're really worried about her meeting someone else that's closer. Like everyone else said, you come off as very controlling, like someone who tries to micromanage their loved one's time. And that won't help your relationship work. You mentioned you have codependency issues. Along with that, I think you have trust issues and it sounds like you're very insecure with yourself. Your relationship won't work if you continue on like that. It probably wouldn't hurt if you got some form of therapy and begin to work on improving your self-esteem before getting involved in a serious relationship.
