Love=like? want opinions.
Frankly, it doesn't seem that the two of you are at all well suited. I think this can only end in tears.
My impression is that he is very insecure because of the bullying. He therefore clings to a fundamentalist brand of Christianity (because it offers certainty) and a dream of a lifestyle to match, but it's giving him a lot of conflicts. I don't know where it will lead to - he has a lot of working out to do.
He seems rather controlling.
Personally I think you should get out while you can.
THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!!
All these things that are coming up.. warning signs.. red flags, etc.
RUN!!!
He is trying to change you and before you know it you will be a different person and be very unhappy.
He seems to be a very close minded man.. how old is he if you don't mind me asking?
Guilting you when you are studying or doing things that NEEDS to be done... wow.. just wow.
This guy reminds me alot of my ex.. He destroyed me. I should have left sooo much sooner but stuck it out for 4.5 years and at the end I was dead inside and didn't even know who I was anymore.
There will be a man who will accept you for who you are and what you believe in and will love to hear your theories and your point of view.
RUN!!!
I agree with the others. Jade, I was hoping that my question would cause you to give some serious thought to this relationship and decide to get out of it on your own. This does not sound healthy and will most likely end in pain. If he needs a social worker to help him, let it be a professional and not you.
actaully, its funny that you should mention a social worker. i started seeing one recently, and that inspired me 2 try and get him to see one. i happened to know that at the college i used to go to (where we met), they have psych services for free to all students. so after much conflict (he wanted to talk to tim instead of a therapist), i finally got him to go. he said that she looked at him like he was crazy most of the time and "it may have been a dumb idea" and started talking about "moving past it" and all that. so i got a bit frustrated, and he got frustrated that i was, and we both just held it in and kept our mouths shut. that night i ddi something that was either very smart or very stupid...i decided to get one of my friends involved. he was pretty pissed at first (hes a bit protective. not a bad thing)and he told me that i should probably take a break. i guess i was thinking it too...so i ended up talking to him and trying to lead up 2 it and he told me he'd get help, that he trusts my judgement and if i think it'll help, it should. i would get out, but i still love him...and he needs me...i realise this sounds like every other controlling relationship out there, but...
...but you think that yours is different??
idk. i fully intended today on trying to separate myself from him, but then he called, and idk y, but i picked up...neway idk if he got a heads up or something but he told me that i was right, and we shouldnt have a kid just yet. he also told me that he wants to give rock music a shot and may ease himself into horror movies. then he told me that though he cant change the way he was brought up/his religious views, hes going to be open about mine from now on. i plan on calling him on all of these things.but for some reason i cant get some of these posts out of my mind...even though we seem to be working it out...is it good that we're working it out?
His rock music and movie plans may provide just the separation that you need. Let him go BY HIMSELF and see what happens. He is right that he can't change the past, but he can change his (and if you're involved) your future.I agree also with him that having a baby together is the absolute WRONG thing to do right now. Let him get his life together before you get any further involved in it. The road you're on right now is one you want to get off of.The reason that you can't get these posts out of your mind may be because deep down inside you realize that there are good reasons to be concerned.
ok...i guess i should probably tell him that then...
i guess another thing i should mention...i no it shouldnt matter, but it kinda does, and its not the reason im with him, but still it may explain something...ive never done it w/ne1 else
All we can do is give you the benefit of our experience. You, however, have to make the decision for action or inaction.
This does not sound healthy. even if he were to change or get help, its not fair to him either to have to have him change who he is, or push his beliefes to the back of his mind for you, just as you shouldnt for him, to WANT to get someone pregnant at age 20 is insane, everyone wants a family but that just seems dangerous and not fair to you (or the pottential baby) and if you are even considering that you need space, then chances are you do need space. Hope everything works outFun tip: next time he goes off about his religion, try reciting the lyrics to the themesong to a show called "The Big Bang Theory". If you havnt heard of it just look up the lryics and you will see my point. keep us informed.
dearest Jade, its best to end it right here and right now. My ex was the same and he always tried to change me and never ever agreed with my ideals or thoughts. I suffered for a long time and finally broke up. now he is stalking me (-__-) the guilt trips you feel...my ex made me feel guilty just cuz i was sitting or singing a song. it was super sick.
I dont believe this guy can change if he is so into his beliefs that he speaks about "evil" when having sex with you! You are free to make your own choice Jade, so make the right choice and free yourself. I am saying this from my own 14 years of awful relationship's experience with a fool. I dont want you to suffer like i did. best of luck.
OH MY GOD thats so funny. for one, i already did that, and 2, i was just singing that song b4 i read that post. lmao.
and not just the bit they put in the opening theme, either...i tried singing the whole thing for him recently (ive been working on memorising it lately), but he interrupted me and told me that he had to tell me something: he didnt believe in the big bang theory either.
last night, however, i had a serious talk with him. we basically used my old motto from my community college days: dont get stressed, get organised. what we basically did was sit down (over the phone) and make a list of all the things we either dont like about eachother or things that are causing problems. after we got all that out, we just talked for a bit and it felt a lot like how it was before the fights started...
neway, we worked out almost all the issues we've been having, both of us deciding on things that we need to work on (i'm not perfect, either. i tend to have problems showing affection but love affection just as much as he does. i also need to defend him more often in front of my friends). the only problem we still have is that he wants to become a dce, and im majoring in biology. he told me that the basic issue he has w/me talking about science or math is that i use a lot of jargon that he doesnt understand...so really, he's willing to learn, i just need to explain things to him before going off on some scientific lecture. and i told him that im fine w/him being religious, as long as he respects me and my views and doesnt try to convert/change me. i guess he didnt realise he was doing that, he just wanted to "answer my questions" about the universe. i told him that i dont believe that any mortal or text could really fully answer these questions, and we left it at that.
he really is a nice guy...we do have one thing in common. we're both very overapologetic. so of course, he spent almost the entire time saying sorry and feeling crappy. is it bad that i dont feel bad at all, making him feel crappy like that? sometimes i wonder about myself.
saya- i just got ur post. im out of time now, but i'll respond when i can get back 2 a computer (lappy's out of commission)
I did that exact same thing about 20 times before my boyfriend hit, raped, emotionally abused me and manipulated me into staying by promising change.People dont change. See how long it lasts.
Jade there are many guys in this world and i am sure you will find someone who treasures you as you are and love you. its only been 7 months and you are facing these problems. think about what will happen if this goes on for a longer time. I dont believe anyone should try to change another person, whether its him or you. its best if he finds a girl that matches his wavelength and beliefs. if you stay with him, in future you will face problems. he will again say something, make you feel guilty, etc etc and then again apologize. this sort of apologies mean almost nothing since the mistakes will be repeated again.
my ex would make fun of me, emo-blackmail me, make me feel guilty, force me to do stuff, wouldnt understand WTF i was talking about since he has zero idea about science and make a "puppy face" when i told him to FO which made me feel like i hurt a small puppy. it was honestly ridiculous. all his apologies meant nothing, he would do or say as he pleased. i first thought he was the one for me and tolerated him for a long time only to realize that i was being played with and also that i didnt feel safe. even after break up he doesnt understand that "i dumped him"!
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is it bad that i dont feel bad at all, making him feel crappy like that? sometimes i wonder about myself.
i think its a good thing. if you feel guilty or apologetic it would mean you were blaming yourself. i dont think you did anything wrong so there is no need to feel "bad" about it.
But, you are trying to change him by asking him to get help, respect your views and learn about things you like. it honestly isnt helpful. you are doing the same thing as he did, trying to convert him without knowing it. i would request you to leave him so that both of you dont get hurt in future. emotionally both of you will feel like crap if he keeps his ways and you keep yours. its easy to talk about it but emotionally stressful to deal with and commit to such a relationship. think carefully.
if at 7 months you two have to make a list of things that bother you about eachother, RED FLAG right there! i understand the hardest part is you two and your sex life, you feel connected to him, and dont want to feel like you gave it to the wrong person, its understandable, but thats not a reason to stay with someone, you need to ask yourself if the pros GREATLY outway the cons, if its even close, you need to get away, and you like to use big words, so use big words, its not your fault if he doesnt understand them, there are guys that will. This is basically becoming an abusive relationship, even without physical violence this is the DEFINITION of an abusive relationship and you should get out while you still can, your only 20, thats so young, you have your whole life ahead of you, you guys havent been together for years, 7 months is not a long time, thats a blink of the eye in life, find someone knew who will see you for who you are, not see you and make you who he wants you to be
i'm actually on the phone w/him right now....i'm so depressed but cant tell y...getting worse by the second...
In the long run everything will be okay! I mean i can understand you being a little depressed, especially after being intamite with someone you feel bonded, but thats not a good reason to stay with someone if you dont feel that its right, all our advice means nothing, but at the same time dont make excuses to yourself about why you should stay, look past that, and YOU know what you REALLY want to do, as hard as it is you know if you want to be with him anymore, there are millions of guys out there, you may have met him but not known it, like in the show HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER he always goes "your mother was there, only i didnt know it yet"so give yourself credit, you deserve better, so why not go find better?
wow, believe it or not, im always quoting that show 2 lol.
