its hard for me to talk about this but i thought i should. i am reaching 30 yrs of age later this year i dont know how to date anyone or even if i get asked out or i ask the guy out it rarely lasts (it even applies to friendship online/offline both). often i find myself in an intense relationship that rapidly goes from a plus to minus in few days/hours/months. i already know that my borderline personality disorder is the reason for it and taking treatment. my mom makes fun of me since i am not sexually active and says "you are useless". i have a low libido usually but rarely when its normal or high, i find that i am alone or the guy isnt interested, example=my ex bf who wanted bjs but never touched me or held me in a way that would make me feel loved or wanted or satisfy me. the only memory of sex i have isnt a good one i want to make a better memory but i am too shy, insecure, late to react or uninterested in the guy who is interested in me. its makes me feel so stupid and useless sometimes when i think about how others live their lives and compare. i also have another problem which is in my mind my age is stuck at 15 yrs due to shock caused by the first time sex and being dropped like a rock immediately after with harsh words. i am reaching the age of 30 but i have no interest in guys who are as old as i am due to this. i tend to like guys in the age range of 18-26, specifically East Asians (japanese/koreans) or Caucasians who have girlish features and are vegetarian (i hate that i like such guys). i dont like the men in my country due to past failed relationships. i havent told my doctor about this yet. i did tell my mom about it. i cant believe i am this old and getting older, i feel lost. even if i try to date someone i wont be able to due to the age difference why are relationships so troublesome? i am the type of person who will do anything for my bf/gf but also the one who loses the temper instantly when i see my bf or gf hanging around some other person, i cant stop myself. i tend to hurt myself to get their attention cuz i cant stand being left behind. well its all a part of my disorder anyway, thats why my doc told me not to be close with anyone and tell him everything about the people i meet or am friends with. once i threw up a tantrum and broke glass partitions in my home with my bare hands and threw all the chairs etc and broke the table only cuz my bf back then gave another girl flowers and chocolates, it hurt me so much emotionally i cant explain. next thing i knew i was hospitalized for weeks on heavy meds. my head is filled with questions...what should i do? date or not to date? where to start? what about my age? how do i date or find someone? am i naive or an idiot? etc etc etc...i am so confused...i honestly wish to turn the time backwards...i want a time-machine!!!i dont want to die with just one bad sex memory and many bad relationships from this life of mine.....
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My way of life....confused
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sorry for ranting but i have held it in for many years (>.
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Hi Saya, I think it's very good that you have got it out. There is no need to apologise in the slightest. I would think it is best to get yourself stable first before getting in a relationship. That said, a good supportive companion can be really helpful, but he had better be much much better than the ex-bf. Unless Mr Perfect turns up by chance, I'd suggest concentrating on getting yourself happy with yourself first.
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thanks Pete. i am currently doing that but sometimes i feel that i am being left out behind just waiting for mr.perfect. i am still childish enough to have some fantasies about him lol while waiting :laughing: