Alright so this is the first time I've ever even used a forum but for obvious reasons I can't talk to anyone I know about this and I can't find anything about it after countless hours on google.
Basically most of the time I masturbate I think about this girl and I'm wondering if it effects my relationship/feelings about her. Like how studies have shown couples haVing sex makes their brains produce chemicals that make them feel closer. If it were some random girl or even a more average friend I wouldn't mind as much but she's my best friend hands down and it raises some issues with the fact that I have ever changing levels of romantic feelings for her. She also happens to be the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. And I mean in real life, porn, tv, movies fuckin whatever. I've always been more inclined to masturbate to girls I find attractive in my life/a girl I have a crush on than porn, and I masturbate daily or more. But since she came into my life most of the time I've watched porn has been because either of my earlier concerns or that I think my habit is weird. Recently I have definitely decreased how much I think of her for masturbation purposes ALOT but still pretty regularly.
That's the basics, the rest might provide more insight and honestly I might just be writing it to get it out. Read if you wish But it's not completely necessary.
So background information, we are best friends but have absolutely the most complicated relationship I have ever even conceived lol, I started to write out an in depth description but realized it would literally take days of continuous typing and it's not all really relevant. Basically we met two years ago and immediately got EXTREMELY close, like closer than I can still ever think about being with anyone else. I quickly got immense romantic feelings for her but unfortunately she didn't feel the same way. What's really unfortunate is she had the same level of feelings for my best friend at the time, which I didn't know about at the time. That discovery and the events following are a whole other story I'm not gonna get into but basically since then my feelings for her have been between a little and a big problem for us. She is fairly messed up from her childhood and I think our relationship complications over the years have been part of it to, but she just treats me like either I don't mean very Much to her or hoNestly like garbage sometimes and I can't ever just let go. Now she has also on multiple occasions told me I mean the world to her, am the best friend she's ever had, even that I'm the only person in the world she truly considers family. What concerns me is when she does sometHing fucked up to me, is a bitch, we just plain get into a fight, It's not like I go "fuck her she's a bitch I want her out of my life" and then get over it, I yearn for the feeLing of having our relationship the way it has been at times so much harder immediately. I end up apologizing for my part of the issue (which is really not much 99% of the time but let's face it we rarely handle situations perfectly) or for getting upset by it.