What should I do??

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those who remember me from my other threads, probably know a little more about me than I feel like decribing right now.

Ok, so I've been deprest for a few years, actually, almost for as long as I can remember I've never really been "happy". Since about a year ago, I've just been getting worse, and last summer I started getting panic attacks, and lately I've been getting them in school, and it's really to hard for me to deal with on my own. I usually just ditch school if I'm having a panic attack, or if I feel it coming on I'll just go to the nurse, and lay down.
Oh and I don't sleep much, I cut myself somtimes, and the only reason I haven't killed myself yet, is because I don't wanna hurt anyone else.

I know that I probably won't feel better without help, but it's just to hard...
I'm really the mess up in my family, all my brothers get good grades in school, my oldest brother spent 9 years in the marine core, and now he's going to college, my sister just got her masters, and she's probably gunna be pretty succesful. All I ever here from my parents is about how irresponsible is am, or how i'm never gunna make somthing out of my life, for any stupid reason....
damn this is way to long, sorry for typing so much, but anyway the only reason I don't wanna let anyone know how fucked up I am is because, since I'm already the biggest mistake my parents ever made, it'll only be worse if they find out that I'm goin nuts.
I don't want anyone to think less of me than they already do now...

Have you thought that maybe they wouldn’t think less of you as your suffering with depression?I don’t have any brothers or sisters so I can’t relate to how you must feel being “judged” by their standards and achievements, but I too get judged by what I do and as my family’s name is well known in my hometown.You really do need to sit down and talk with someone, whether it be a teacher, councillor, doctor or someone else who you can trust.I can sit here all day typing crap and saying that you should talk to someone, as I’ve said before, I offer better advice to others than I take myself. But from only having a few counselling sessions, I’ve walked away feeling a little better for unloading it. But as was told to me, YOU need to make the first step.We, here on the board can only read what you’re trying to get across, and give “our” opinions on what to do, in hope that you will take our guidance.Bottom line mate is you need to talk to someone. Yes you’ve taken the step to post about some of your problems here, but you now need to be strong and take that next step. It is hard. I’m not going to lie to you and say it isn’t, but you know in yourself that you can’t carry on this way.And always remember, we are here to listen (or read lol), we may not post back all the time, mainly because we don’t know what to say to you, but I can assure you, I personally read every post on the board (except the bowels forum… I don’t do poop lol).

Thanks Diver, you're a great person for going through every board on this site, helping people. You really do help alot of people.... I hope the best for you to feel better.As for me? I'm feelin pretty paranoid right now... Trying not to cut myself. Same shit diferent day, I suppose. It seems like everyone around me is in there own little perfect circle, and I'm stuck outside in the cold, but I'd rather be alone in the cold than be like them, I hate those assholes who think that they're perfect. I just feel hallow inside, as if there is nothing that could make me feel worse than I've been feeling for a long time, but it always does (get worse). It's like that line from the movie office space."as far as I can remember, everyday in my life has been getting progresivly worse than the day before, so in a sense everyday is the worst day of my life..Even today."somthing like that I think...

I know the feeling with the siblings thing.. My parents (My dad mainly ) thinks i should be like my sister.. I get in trouble for C's.. So what do i bring home ? D's.. lol ... I'm not a school person.. I actually HATE it.. I have always had low grades in math.. cause i just dont get it.. But i just get shipped to each grade.. oh well.. I know what you mean about getting help.. Its just so hard.. and even tho.. you dont really give a shit what you family or anyone says.. you just dont want to look like a fuck up.. I know.. I have needed help for a while.. still havn't gotten it.. Anyways.. Were here for you.. I dont reply to all messages in depression..cause sometimes it to hard.. if you know what i mean.. But anytime you want to vent.. or w/e post here or you can PM me..

yeah school sucks, I hate it. Last year I got suspended for most if the year because I lit fire crackers in the bathroom, I got away with it the first time, but then I tried it again and got caught, and I hapend to have my handy dandy 4 inch butterfly knife (turns out over 3 inches is illegal) it turns out that any kind of firecracker is considered an explosive, and I was lucky that was aloud to come back this year. it sucked. They have security cameras all over now, it's bullshit. oh yeah, I only got caught the second time because I somhow lit the bathrooms stall on fire, and it made alot of smoke, and it started smoking quick.

Yeah! That is bullshit. They should allow you to burn the damn school down. :grin:

Yep.. Burn it down.. sounds good to me How could i get kicked out of school for the rest of the year? So i could be on home studys? Any ideas?

wouldn't your dad flip his lid if you got suspened? mine would.

"Yeah! That is bullshit. They should allow you to burn the damn school down"it think it's bullshit that they have security cameras pointing down every hallway this year. I think my punishment was fair, it was stupid for me to bring that knife to school, and I did nearly burn the school down. however, the fire wouldn't have moved far at all, the entire school is build from steal beams, and cinder blocks.and yes, my dad did flip out; not as much as my mom did though. oh and if you really wanna get homeschooling, you could probably have a good medical excuse, with you being depressed,and suicidal and everything. well that's only if you talk to a counsiler first.A friend of mine got out of school for a few months because of simialr reasons, but he ended up going into a nut house for a month after that. haha it's funyn because, honestly, I think my head is more fucked up than anyone I've every met! ...... ..... .... edit: heh, I told you to see a counsiler.. even though I've yet to see one myself, but really, I think a good doc and some meds is what we both need...I really under stand what Diver was saying before how he gives better advice to others than he takes for himself.

I know this is off topic, but don't you think it's pretty obvious why they have security cameras all over the place?

I suppose...but they even blocked all the windows in the hallways...although...it used to be fun to go out through the second floor windows, and hangout on the roof...noone ever got caught though..I really don't like talking about school, my school is like a prison now.