I have no friends, I am never happy. I dont have a sense of achievement. I cannot sleep. When I smile it is fake.I only believe one thing, that I hate being alive in this world. Even when I'm with someone, I am still alone.I had tantrums as a child. I remember so many times that people have told me that things will/are getting better, but they arent; they are getting worse.I am taking a high dosage of imipramine, and have been for a month; my wrists have fresh cuts on them. I used to have friends as a child, but I lost them in sixth grade and never found new ones. I am 19 now. I never converse, I dont understand why. I cannot sustain a conversation. I cant kill myself, I've been trying since I was in sixth grade.I try to see everything, and understand everything. I believe the answer to the question "why are we here" is nothing. I see people living behind glass, these people are not real. Nothing I say can break this omnipresent barracade. I do not believe there is a goal, so why should I work toward it.I've wasted my time, I want my childhood back. I walked down the path of truth which is only a shortcut to the ultimate deadend.I can only see one thing, and can only believe one thing. I need to die, I do not belong in this world.
I think the answer to why we are here is much more simple than people try to make it. Sure it is difficult to understand the vastness of existence, but ours is not divine by nature. Humans are just the process of evolution just as all other intelligence lifeforms in existence are. The most you can hope to gain from your life is to improve the lives of others, or even the world in which we live so that it can be better for the next people that live here. Life doesn't have much more to offer you than pleasure and pleasure can only be attained by happiness. Littering your corpse with drugs and such to obtain a level of homeostasis is disgusting. One must embrace the fact that happiness can only be obtained by realizing what I have said... or being entirely ignorant to everything, assuming a god, and be happy that way. I suppose if the only way you can be happy is by believing in a god that is better than not being happy period, correct? If you truely cannot find a way to make yourself happy (it doesn't really have to involve interaction with other humans) through doing some task or something of that sort and you truely cannot be happy I don't see why you should torment yourself.I like some people feel that me in my way of thinking are on a platform above most, because it is so difficult for them to understand something that is so simple to me. It is difficult to explain to be truely honest, but I have found fairly intelligent people that I can express my views to and this to some extent makes me feel as though I have accomplished something. Perhaps if you feel the same way you can strive for the same standards of normality by sharing your thoughts with someone, even if it is fairly random.