What to do...What to do...

---

I've been talking to a girl for 3 months and now it's going on 4 months. She's constantly having problems with her boyfriend which she has been talking to on and off for...7 years. There relationship started back in elementary school. About everyday it seem as if she is having problems with him for she always tell me about it. I am very attracted to her and would like to make something out of our friendship. She call me about everyday and we sit on the phone for hours at a time. I basically talk her to sleep at night sometimes, not that I'm boring to talk to. I've noticed that she has been telling a lot of people about me for everytime she introduce me to one of her girl friend's they always say that they've heard so much about me. She hasn't stated that she has any feelings for me, probably because of her boyfriend.She told me that she and her boyfriend have broken up...again. Well...I waited about 2 weeks and wrote her a letter expressing the way I feel about her for it was eating me up inside for her not to know. I gave the letter to her Saturday night (1/31). I haven't mentioned the letter to her and she hasn't said anything about it to me and we still talk as if the letter was never written. What do you think may be going on? Do you think she is contemplating over the letter? Do you think I should eventually mention it to her? I know you guys wouldn't know the real reason of maybe why she hasn't responded for you all do not know the content that is in the letter, which was a 4 page front written letter.Any advice would help. Thanks in advance.

You could bring it up in a casual way, like, "So, did you read my letter?"
It might be that she doesn't know how to react just yet. If she's been with this guy for seven years, two weeks of break up is NOT that long of a time. A "rebound relationship" is one of the worst things anyone can do after a long-term relationship.
Maybe give her a little more time B-fore you ask her about it. She might have the response you want to hear, but doesn't know how to express it yet.

I understand where you are coming from and I totally agree. I didn't want to write her the letter to express the way I felt, but it was eating me up inside not to, plus the things that she tell me about about her boyfriend whenever she tell me of her problems I didn't particularly like. I just want to be the one to rescue her from that, however, you can't rescue something that is not willing to be rescued.It's like the feelings are there between she and I for she really enjoy being with me and also in the way she look at me sometimes, but her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (it's rather hard to tell) is hindering her, which I understand.I guess the only solution to this problem is...time, unfortuantely.Thanks for the reply.

Hi Mr. D,Man I wish I could direct you to a reply I gave to websexinfo in another thread but I can't find it.Both of you should get together for tea time because you guys would have alot in common. First of all, i'm thinking you're in high school. Is this correct?Since I don't know you i'd like to get your permission to say what I think. (lets pretend you gave it, because i've had an all-nighter). Assuming this is true here is my advice and its man to man on this one Mr. D. Your "girl" is playing you like a video game and you are allowing yourself to be ensnared in her drama play. Its all convenient for her when she needs you to be at her side during the off-season in this dating game. But from what you've told me its pretty clear to me that you have sent plenty of messages of your interest in her even prior to your letter writing.In fact, your letter was unnecessary if she is particularly receptive and responsive to your friendship. In other words, if she was as good a friend to you as you claim to be with her, she would have already been attuned to your interest in her.So the first part you need to be aware of is that she already knows about your feelings for her. But she's got a carrot at the end of her stick and she does not plan on letting you have it. At least not until her top priority guy is taken care of first. The second part is your role in encouraging this drama. In order to reconcile your behavior, you cast yourself as the martyr who is unwaveringly devoted. Thats admirable to an extent Mr. D, but you are being used. You are a confidance booster to her. And thats a shame that you are taking yourself off the market for this cause. Like I told Websexinfo, I don't think its worth it. Not you chief.So gradually wean yourself off this girl. When she comes back after another inning with her boy don't be so quick to bolster her. Be politely empathic, but not slavishly pacifist. When she makes moves for pity make it abudantly clear that you have other important business to attend to(hopefully another girl) and that you wish her the best of luck in solving her current neverending problem. Get your ass out of this martyr role and pull yourself away from this girl. Wish you the best of luck!

To answer your question django, I am a college senior. By the content of what I've posted it may sound like a typical "teenager in high school whom has crush on a girl". This is not the case, however. Call me the exception...lol. I've been out of the dating routine for quite a while for I've been concentrating on other things, i.e. college.

I do agree with some of the things that you said in your post. And I appreciate them. And who knows...maybe I am "getting played". I told myself that I wasn't going to get too "caught up" with her and it seems as if I've done or am doing exactly what I told myself not to do. Go figure.

Regardless to say, however, please don't think that during the 7 years that she was on and off with her boyfriend that I've been there as the "rebound". no no no. That is not the case. As I stated, I've only known her for 3 1/2 months.

I am going to take consultation of what you said and kind of distance myself away from her, which is what I've been planning on doing. I'm going to release the yo-yo and see if it ever climb back up me, so to speak.

Thanks again for you opinions.

Dude!!! I did the exact same thing and the exact same thing happened, we didn't talk about it as if nothing happened. I'll have to post something later tonight though. Someone (you can guess who) is in the room with me right now. Later tonight though. till then ... chill.

Whoops! Didn't mean to imply that your behavior was high-schoolish. I only meant that my advice was for high-school and above. If a ten year old came to me with the same problem i would have told him he had no business having "relationships."

No offense was taken django, but thanks for clarifying.I'm looking forward to your story webinfosex. Django made a reference to you. Seem as if we are in the same boat...lol.

I've got to agree with Django. She's fully informed and fully autonomous, but she's not acting. In other words, she's obviously quite happy with the status quo. You're obviously not (your wrote the letter). You seem like a cool guy, and I doubt you have time to wait around for someone who may take years to untangle her own situation and problems. Find someone else.

I can't agree with you more Steppenwolf. As I read more of the responses from my post it's making it easier for me to do what I must do...which is distance myself from her and see how she reacts to that. If she doesn't react to my distance...then oh well. There are more fish in the sea, as they always say. Maybe one day she will open her eyes. Hopefully before it is to late. The reason I have the attitude I have and say that hopefully she open her eyes before it is to late is because she is with a guy that doesn't know how to appreciate her. I mean...some things are meant to last and others are not. She is in one that seem as if it is not going to last, but because she's been with him for sooooo long (7 years) it seem as if she is obligated to be with him.Thanks for all you guys response and please do not let them stop there. If there is anymore input about this situation, by all means, post them.My best regards.

In reply to: I can't agree with you more Steppenwolf. As I read more of the responses from my post it's making it easier for me to do what I must do...which is distance myself from her and see how she reacts to that. If she doesn't react to my distance...then oh well. There are more fish in the sea, as they always say. Maybe one day she will open her eyes. Hopefully before it is to late. The reason I have the attitude I have and say that hopefully she open her eyes before it is to late is because she is with a guy that doesn't know how to appreciate her. I mean...some things are meant to last and others are not. She is in one that seem as if it is not going to last, but because she's been with him for sooooo long (7 years) it seem as if she is obligated to be with him. HOOOOOOOOLLLLY SH!T dude !!! You're basically me in the past man. The only differences I can really think of was that my letter was a page long, she was with her boyfriend for 3 years, and we were best friends for 4 year.OKIE DOKIE... You know how you're thinking about distancing yourself from her, well, don't! To tell you the truth, the relationship between me and my girl have been stuck in a dam rollercoaster since I wrote that letter. In fact, tonight, we had a really heart felt conversation, she ended up crying, but in the end we told each other we loved each other (as friends) and I drove off. I drove her to her house.So let me get into the story. I'll skip a little ahead for purposes of length. Anyways, I was friends with this girl for a good 3 years at the time. In fact, we considered each other as best friends. I fell for her, she didn't fall for me. I kept my feelings well hidden, I tried to tell her in person, but I was so scared to say it verbally cuz I was afraid it would either come out wrong or just not sound right. So, what did I do? I'll write a letter! yeah, that's what I'll do. I write this letter telling her that I cared about her more than anything, that I'd marry her if I had the chance, that I fell in love with her. Blah blah blah, all that mushy stuff. The only thing we ever did say to each other about that letter was when I was leaving her house from a study group. I said, "hey, did you read that letter?" She smiles and says, "yeah, I did, but I don't want to talk about it right now." There was another girl there and so I said, "Me neither." I hopped into my car, and drove off. So, I walk her out to her car every morning, but we never talk about the letter, just other crap. So I decide, well, if she really cares about me then if I distance myself away from her, she should come running wanting to talk to me!!!! right?! Wrong! We didn't talk to each other for 3 months. Not only did I feel rejected, but I felt like I lost a friendship too. We have the same college class together and so what broke the 3 month silence was her coming to me and telling me that she broke up with her boyfriend of 3 years. Come to find out that she really misses me and that she was so busy she couldn't get in contact with me when I was home. I still feel like a jackass for leaving her alone, but other things wouldn't have happened I guess. So anyways, we get into a relationship and I feel like all is well, until... She cheats on me. Not to mention with a 28 year old cop who's married and has 2 kids (I didn't find out the details of who it was till later). At this point, I'm pretty much destroyed, some of you might note an absence of presence by me on a2a at the time. So, what do I do? I need to get over her, she's not good for me. I distance myself away from her again! So, I say 2 weeks go by, and I'm feelin pretty miserable. I feel like I'm losing my friendship with her once again. I start to talk to her again and in an e-mail tell her that all I want is for her to be happy, even if that means not with me along with some other mushy stuff, and she tells me it made her cry and all this and that. At this point, I decide, I'm not going to talk about her relationship with this guy, I'll just let it go.Unfortunately people, the story reaches the events of tonight!!!! February 4, 2004 right after 8:30 when I get out of our college class.I will post the events of tonight upon request. If I get enough requests, should I start another thread? lol.

Wow. Thanks for sharing what you did websexinfo. Very touching.I was out to the gym tonight and whenever I came back I saw that the girl I've been speaking had IMed me asking where I've been and that it's not like me to be offline for so long. I was debating on whether or not I should call her or not. Of course I did, go figure. I don't believe I could ever distance myself away from her. I know I wouldn't want to. I believe I am going to continue to be that confidant toward her and go from there. I'll have to keep my guard up, however, to make sure it doesn't seem like I'm being used, which I can't see her ever doing that. If I am going to be used it's because I brought it on myself by forcing myself on her.You have my request of the events that went on for tonight, so please post Thanks again for sharing what you did and if there are others that can relate to websexinfo and I, please do not hesistate to post it. Maybe we all can help each other out My best regards to all.

Ok. Well this morning she got into a car accident. She rear-ended a car to make a long story short. So with all the drama in her life she now has to worry about getting her car fixed. I didn't find out about it until she called me up earlier today and told me that her car was messed up. I was concerned and asked her if she was ok. She was but she was just a little sore. Anyways, I picked her up an hour before class because she said she needed to go pick up a prescription from the drug store, but when I got to her house she said her mom had picked it up for her and I brought her back here, my place. That's when I posted that message about her being in the room and I'd have to post again later tonight.Anways, now onto the "good" stuff. In the middle of class she keeps passing me notes saying stuff like tell me what to do and how she really appreciates me listening and all that hooha good stuff. I decided that I wasn't going to say anything about her relationship with this older man, but everything just got too tempting for me to handle. We get into my car and the first thing I say is, "Logically, I know a way to make all your problems go away. Remember that I say logically." So I get into it. I tell her the source of a lot of problems is being with this older guy.(((He's a cop that's married with 2 kids! His wife won't divorce him! He lost his job and got dropped out of the police academy for being with her! She lost her job and her parents are pretty much disowning her! This guys wife is gonna tell his little boys that daddy ran off with a 17 year old girl!)))She got really defensive, naturally. She said, "I know all that stuff, I'm not stupid. People have no right to judge me. His wife my tell his kids stories but he wants a relationship with them and it will be ok." blah blah blah. She said A LOT of stuff. She was talking like 110mph.Second thing I addressed is her financial problems. She's worth a lot of money, millions even, but she doesn't get that money until she's 18. I basically tell her to get her car fixed and to sell it and get a cheaper vehicle.(((Her car now is a sports car and insurance is already way up. The recent accident she was in caused $5000 worth of damage. Plus she has to pay for her wireless bill which is frickin crazy high cuz she keeps callin the cop guy who's out of state. Then she ordered a prom dress and she had to get some other dress for someone's wedding.)))Her response to me was she didn't want to sell her car and that even if she got a cheaper one, she'd still have a lot of crap to pay for.I didn't even get to the third part that I thought would make things better. Which was to become closer to her parents she lives with now by showing them she can be responsible.(((She's had a very bad childhood. She's been abused and beatin into a coma twice. Her mom cheated on her dad so they are divorced. She lives with her stepdad now. It seems that no one wanted custody of her, so she has to stay with her mom by court ruling)))The whole conversation lasted all the way to her house and we spent a good 15 minutes sitting in my car in her driveway. When things started to settle down, I gave her a hug and whispered that I was concerned about her being happy in the future and that I cared about her. She started crying telling me about her past and how hard it has been. She got out of the car and I told her that I loved her and that I meant it was a friend. She paused for a second or two and said i love you back. We said bye and she headed into the house as I backed out of the driveway.I feel like I could write a frickin book about just what's been happening recently! I wasn't sure if she was crying because I said what she didn't want to hear or because she was talking about what had happened to her or whatever. Does anyone have a clue???? It's just out of curiosity. I'm just gonna ask her tomorrow if I see her.

Again...very touching. Seem to be a lot of entangled emotions between you two. I wonder what is making her stay with the cop guy over you. Maybe she admire men in uniform . I apologize for that for this is not a joking matter.Maybe she started to crying because there is so much going on in her life right now and she doesn't know how to handle it and she can't see a brighter road at the end of the tunnel. I sense a lot of confusion on her part. I would continue to be there for her through her time of need and continue to be that confidant. It seems as if she need someone in her life that she can trust and confide in.Once again, thank you for sharing what you did and if there is more that you would like to share, please do not hesistate.

Heheh. Don't worry, I always appreciate a sense of humor. Now back to you. I know you said you're not going to distance yourself away from her and that's good. Everyone is different and maybe things will turn out a lot better for you and your girl. Even if things go bad still try to be there for her. A friend is a very valuable person in your life especially if you can connect with them unlike a lot of other people. I'm sure you probably know this already, but sometimes people need to hear and be reminded of it.

Oh, and if my story helped you at all even for just entertainment, at least it did something good.

Update I was talking to you know who tonight. We were having our usual casual comical conversation and she mentioned the letter to me out of the blue. She said that she was going to let me know what she thought about the letter whenever she read it. She said that she had been busy for the week, which she seriously had because of all her test she had. I'll let you guys know what she said about it whenever she mention it to me again.