Dont know why I'm posting.. Just kinda had a bad day.. Then in the middle of 5th.. Out of now where.. I started getting depressed.. Like the flood gates exploded... or something.. Kinda been off and on for the rest of the day.. Does it have something to do with the weed? I havn't smoked in two days... Anything to do with it? I should continue to buy more.. Its for a 'Medical' purpose.. lol
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Kinda of a screwed day
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Damn, Tonight your gettign all my posts ... lol... I don't know if i can stop.. During the days i had smoked.. I was happy.. Happy to see everyone.. Happy to be around people.. happy ... just happy ( not cause i was high.. just cause depression wasn't there ).. I started questions why i was even depressed in the first place!
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I dont know.. If i stop smoking pot.. I just might kill myself... I need it.. I think it might help me solve my problems.. Like i said .. the other day.. i was trying to figure out why i was in the first place..
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THIS STUPID FUCKING COMPUTER!!! I HAD THIS LONG POST TYPED OUT AND THE BASTERD JUST CLOSED!!!! .... anyways.. My friend is probably going on home studys.. parenst agreed .. paper work on way.. mine wont let me.. i dont want to go hang out where i used to.. so im a loner AGAIN.. I dont know how much more i can take ..I want to leave ( He should start getting better grades when he is on it ) .. So im just fucked... No where to hang.. no one at school that i really want to know... This is just adding more to the depression boat.. Im just like that one Linkin Park song.. 'One Step Closer' This last part 'Everything you say to me Takes me one step closer to the edge And I'm about to break I need a little room to breathe Cause I'm one step closer to the edge And I'm about to.... break! 'My break would be.. I dont know.. This is just more depressing stuff.. Im happy for him.. and im glad he is..I hope he does.. He needs to do better.. He is smarter than that.. I dont know why he hangs out with a fuck up like me... I guess in a few weeks.. I will become a loner.. So you know what i say? Bring on the weed.. I will just start being high all the time.. so i can make it throguh life.. Even tho that wont work.. cause i cant afford to be high all the time... I dont know how to convince my parents.. ( Independent Study or home schooling.. not sure of the difference ) ... I hate interacting with people.. I H A T E IT!!!.. More and more I'm around them.. the more and more the anger builds... One of these days.. I might just snap... Cause i can't take it anymore.. I try to explain this to my mom.. she kinda understands.. but my dad dosn't understand how bad school is.. he lived in a small town when he grew up.. I live in a fucked up city/ or what it is ... has like 300,000 people.. Like 3500? 4000? ( Not exact on number ) goto just my HS alone.. So im in such a screw mood now.. Realizing... In a few weeks.. I might be alone.. People already think I'm weird cause of my intrests.. computer instead of celebs or w/e ... Cell phones over movies... I have been to more computer/cell stores than movies... lol.. Im such a tech looser.. I found a HS online.. but unsure about it.. I told my mom basicly.. I plan on dropping out soon.. I cant take it anymore.. She told me to just goto Cont. school... Why dont i just nuke the school.. then laugh about it.. Worthless people.. I hate a good percent of people.. there so stupid.. mean.. rude... I wish i had the cash to build a nuke.. I would nuke the US.. Greedy basterds.. I don't know.. What to do.. where to go.. What to do at all.. Kill myself? Drop out? Tell my parents that they will put me on home studys or else.. Columbine? I DONT KNOW... I HATE LIFE ITS SO FUCKED... FUCKED FUCKED FUCKED FUCKED FUCKED FUCKED SO FUCKING FUCKED!!!.. Not im like taking anger out on keyboard.. by typing so hard.. grrrrr.. sorry for all the cursing.. its just.. I dont know.. I want to speak my mind now.... and thats what comes to mind... Why me? Why am i the one that gets fucked all the time?!... FUCK ME.. Sorry .. just needed to vent.. Probably long enough to be a novel..
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Today seems to continue to get more and more depressing... Last two days have been so messed up.. I have a feeling it will continue to get worse in the next couple of weeks.. Friend possibly going on home studys... My parents told me i have a 50-50 chance of being gay .. or having mental problems..( from looking at the family ).. Looks like i got the mental problems.. cause i want to kill people.. so i guess i inherirted(SP?) it? and its not my fault.. Alcoholisnm and drug abuse are in my family to.. All the great things i find out... This is just kinda all depressing.. I need to start working out.. Im gonna do like a M - W - F for like an hour or so a day.. or 10 miles.. ( Exercise bike ) Atleast one thing i got to look forward to ..getting in better shape
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I'm sorry for all the profane language in my other posts.. I just get so worked up sometimes.. and i can't help it..
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Getting in shape sounds like a good idea. Going for a goal such as that creates positivity in your life. Maybe you'll even get more self-confidence after a while. I know I did.
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I'm feeling a little better now.. I tore apart a computer... and attempted to put it back together.. screw that up.. oh well first time ever getting into the guts.. No biggie.. Just an Apple IICX.. so its kinda old school.. How much did you weight before you started? and how much you weight now?
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let's see. I weighed 180 lbs at 5'3" tall. Then I worked out and weighed 140 lbs after a few months or so. I've weighed 140 lbs until about 3 months ago. Since then I've gained a lot of weight. 160 lbs and I'm 6' tall.I stopped weight lifting, but I plan on picking it back up again.
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Try to hang in there, FaBMX. Just as your mood got worse unexpectedly, so it can get better.
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Today.. I woke up depressed.. Just woke up.. and i was already in a depressed mood.. Been depressed basicly all day.. Life is fucked
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Sorry, FaBMX. :frowning: Keep hanging on.
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You'll be ok. Keep telling yourself this and things will get better in time.
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To add to it.. I got a headache now.. SIGH Hopefully i will be able to get rid of my cell phone tonight... So i can go back to pre paid.. and be in total control... Pinche Verizon Wireless.. There such a rip off
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Great.. seems like im in another spell of depression.. YAY! Everything has been since last week.. My friend will probably end up on homestudys.. I think i failed some classes.. Im failing classes now.. But i dont have problems.. fucking parents.. I hope i die of something.. then they will realize im serious.. Morons.. sorry just another venting session.. Lets see what this school week brings.. Might get better.. might get worse.. Why me? Why am i the one with the mental illness.. Great... thought about something else today.. My report card is coming.... YAY.. Im screwed.. So.. I might not have computer anymore.. I cant live without computer.. If its gone... I will die.. I really have no other form of enterainment.
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I would do that.. Accept i live with him..
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i typed a letter out and gave it to Ryan and got him to read it to my parents and sisters. when i firts told my brother, he knew b4 my other family memebers, i printed out a post i had made here and gave it to him. it is kind of a weird feeling to walk around and know that ur parents know. but my dad has like flipped personalities or something since i started talking to them and i told them the truth. FaBMX, if u wanted to write them a letter but didn't want to hand it to them you could but it in a envolope and address it to them and out it on there dresser or slip it in the mail stack or somthing. just a idia.. i don't know
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I dont know what to tell him. Dad, I think your a prick. lol.. I dont think that would work.. Dad, I hate life because of you. Your such a prick to me. You expect to much. Im just a kid, leave me alone. Got me. I dont know what to write. I ditched my last period today. Its sad when your not even nervous anymore.. about ditching
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Well you said before in the past that you feel you are "judged" to your brothers and sisters. You could start with saying how you feel about that.
I've been there, and all I can say is, although yes, write out how your feeling, but remember tact is often better for putting your point across.
If you want, you can pm or mail me the letter at essamb.diver@virgin.net that account I check ALL the time... maybe I can be of some help putting it together.
And remember, that offer of me phoning you if you want to talk is always open...
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Today.. Once again.. Im still depressed.. Even tho i passed my drivers license test.. My dad calls talks to my mom.. my mom was telling him my score.. and i almost know what he said.. WTF For? How come he couldnt do better.. Then my mom is like lets see you pass it.. bet you couldn't.. So he is a prick.. He didn't even want to talk to me.. didnt even call to tell me happy birthday or anything.. My grandma forgot.... Has yet to call.. Only mom.. Aunt and cousin.. Sisters and two of my friends said anything about it.. So i guess they dont like me.. Even on my own B-day.. Im depressed..