I think I am feeling the worst I have ever felt in my life. Im dying. Two people have died and it is all my fault.Several weeks back my gf's bf returned from juvie. He confronted her and found out I was now her bf and nothing would change that. He told me to meet him.The fight was with switchblades. Despite my agility his skills with a knife were much better. I was soon bleeding all over the place. Needless to say, I ran like a coward. Mcuh to his stupidity he followed me without paying attention to anything. He was hit by a speeding car. Dead.When my gf found it out it was too much. She wrote me an email telling me how much she loved me and goodbye.I instantly knew what she meant. I ran to her house as fast as I could. When I got there I started screaming 'Allie!' as loud as I could. I then heard something fall in the basement. I knew what it was even before I got there.It was Allie. She had slit her throat. I ran to her but saw that it was all too late. I nearly sobbed my eyes out. Now I dont know what to do. I have caused the deaths of 2 lives. I tried pot but I dont think the highest high would make me feel any better. I want death. I cant go on. Im dying.
Dying on the inside....
She probably thought she caused the death of her bf. Don't take it out on yourself. You couldn't of stoped her and it was her friend that wanted to fight you. He shouldn't of chased after you and you couldn't of known that he would get hit by a car. You dieing would only add to the pain and nothing good will come out of their deaths.
I know how it is to feel responsible for causing someones death.I'm going through feeling like that right now too.I personally don't believe that was your fault though.That guy would of kept trying to hurt you, most likely until you were bleeding to death. Him runing after you when he seen you couldn't take any more shows that.He wanted to kill you and if you hadn't ran, I think he would of. He knew by fighting with blades he could get killed too. He didn't come out lucky, but that nonetheless, was his choice to decide to do something that could potentially kill him.As for your gf, she obviously didn't want you to tell her anything, that's why she wrote an email instead of calling.She was probably thinking that if she talked to you she might be convinced not to go through it. But you know what, even if she did call you and you talked her out of it, it would only be you talking her out of it for that time right then. She would maybe have not done it that night, but because she was feeling like she should of either done something to stop him getting killed or could of done more, she would of attempted it eventually.
is there anything I can do to feel any better?
You can try going to a therapist.
It didn't work for me personally, but it does work for some people.
If you are reigious you can try church.
You can also be around family and friends for support.
If you can't rely on that option either the only other thing I can think of is 'survivors of suicide groups'. You can look that up on google to find ones in your area.
I was thinking of trying the last one myself bc the other things aren't good options for me. The last one you at least get to be around people who are going through similiar things.
You need to seek counseling right away. None of this was your fault. At all. But now you need to help to deal with this and it's best that you get some professional help. There is someone there who can help you! Antidepressants might help for the time being but you really need to talk to someone.