Hey, thanks for the reply
Yea I'm from the US.
First off, I agree with what you said about drugs and thats why I stopped, but now I am actually worse for the reasons stated in the previous post. Feels like im right back where I was before I started doin drugs hardcore (drugs have always been around me since late mid early high school). i cant sleep much, i lost A LOT of weight...im 6ft tall and only weight 135, ive lost like 20 pounds since i was a mid teen.
I try to think positively. I'm not freakin out saying im gonna cut my wrist or overdose nor attempt such unreliable suicidal methods (i truly think people who do that are dumb, just shoot yourself or run in front of a truck, who gives a damn if youre messy, youre dead either way), but i actually say I don wanna die, if I wanted to die I would have taken my gun and shot myself years ago. I mean, if thinking positively and not doing drugs is enough to make me better then I wouldnt be here writing this...
As much as I would luv to believe that I will have a family and wife and kids and all that good stuff, its really hard and this is why. I actually had an active social life with many friends/gf/buddies in the past (perhaps with the wrong type of people), but now I just have few people i kno who I hang out with here and there...and not too long ago I met someone who I thought I could trust and everything but as u may have guessed I have a lot of issues from the past. I talked to her about it cuz I thought she would understand but the next day she started ignoring me and her friends ignored me as well, before that incident she always sat next to me in my class but then she switched seats, wouldnt even look at me, ignored me on campus when we saw each other. I ended up dropping that class cuz I couldnt take it. I just didnt wanna keep lying and hiding who I am (feels bad too), cuz I really liked her and wanted her to like me for who I really am, but unfortunately it usually doesnt turn out well. And her case is not the only time this has happened, I've had friends, classmates, teachers and bosses, not to forget family, look at me completely differently once they find out a lil somethin bout me, thats why I hate trusting people, i didnt do shi\* to them but they throw me out of their lives like garbage cuz I ain your average joe.
I keep saying this over and over, but do you really know what it feels like to be me? I know people have done things in the past that they dont want to share with others and its easy to say "thats the past who cares tomorrow is a new day yadayadayada" yea, its easy if the worst things uve done is somethin like stealin a video game from a store or beatin up the ugly kid, but not so easy if it involved peoples lives (directly or indirectly), and not to forget the fact that ive been hurt physically, and mentally, tremendouly, which is why I got away from that sort of life style, and now i am all alone nowhere to go.
dont get me wrong, ive done a lot of things people have suggested, im not like some of the people who come on this forum complaining and never taking peoples advice seriously...ive done things like writing down your thoughts, different relaxation methods, MAKING A FLASHCARD EVERYDAY WRITING 1 GOOD THING ABOUT YOURSELF haha that was some bullshit, smile even tho its fake...this is the part when my psychiatrists and therapists waved their white flag, so yea...I'm doing everything I can, but everyday I just get worse. i dont know what else I can do, im stuck.
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Should I blast myself?
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to notsogood : college isnt really a problem for me but my outside life screwed me over so bad that I had to quit, not that I wasnt ready I actually had good grades to start off but i got put on academic probation after 3 semesters so u can imagine how badly i did in the past few sem. sorry for the late reply i didnt see your post til now
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Hey,Before I say anything else I want you to find or download a song - you might of heard it, came out about 12 years ago, called 'Runaway Train' by Soul Asylum, it probably says everything that you are thinking, it helps you (or at least it helps me) get through times when i am very angry or upset.Anyway one thing I kept and keep thinking about is the fact that I have never really had a real close friend I can talk to about everything - I have always had friends I can go out with etc but no-one that I am really close to, maybe thats the same for you. Maybe if you had a friend that was very close to you and could talk to you bout everything it would make you a lot better, i know it would me. I think that may be part of the problem. I realise now it is very hard to find someone like that, especially the way you are feeling and the fact that you, like me, probably have very low confidence but I know it would help me a lot. Its easier said than done and from what you said about people breaking your trust all the time but there are people out there that are not like that, and i believe I am a good person n im sure there are other people out there like that.Have you thought about going on holiday just to get away from the pressure of everyday life. I know quite a lot of people who just go on holiday on their own and find some peace and forget about everything and come back a changed person, obviously thats subject to if you have enough money!You need something to take off your mind off the depression you are going through, instead of staying at home feeling sorry for yourself (like i was), maybe you could get a job with a lot of decent people your age who you could socialise with - I know its really sad but I work in mcdonalds and Ive found a lot of friends working there .also you are not just focusing on socialistic stuff all the time and how bad your life is away from work but acutally thinking about the job as well, its helped sort of build me up and my confidence up again if you know what I mean.Either this or you could get a job where you actually help other people, it makes you feel so much better the fact that you feel like you are actually helping someone and making a difference to someone, it really makes you feel good about yourself and feel like you are not worthless, which is what i always used to feel like.If you ever need to talk, remember i'm always here.Steve
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HiI listened to the song, for real i did, i think ive heard of it, and yea some of it does relate to me like "so tired i cant even sleep"...but its weak lol, I think 2Pac songs relate more to me, his lyrics talks about a lot of what I have gone through and the people around me and my environment in a much more realistic manner (bein poor, getting set up, drug life, hopelessness, gunz, racism). I constantly have music playing when im home. 2pac is incredibly popular in the UK so you probably know what Im talkin about.About the friend thing, I have actually talked about this on another post, especially with FaBMX so maybe u can check it out if u havent. I try to trust people, but I can't let myself to do that, ive been fuc*ed over so many times cuz I showed my back. Im probably scared of getting hurt more. i think i wrote about a lot of this before too. and its easy for people to tell me to forget about it but I CAN'T its like all these negative thoughts and feelings got tattoed inside me.lately im going nuts, talk to myself without even knowing it, screaming like a maniac in my sleep if i ever sleep...i was drivin the other day and asked myself what my phone number and address was (???? make any sense to u? cuz it sure doesn to me haha)Help people out? man u need to come up with better shit that that. Thats like one of the 1st suggestions people gave me, I also know someone who recovered from depression and said he started helping people out and got better along the way. So thats what I tried to do a while ago, mostly money cuz i know a lotta broke people but that only lasts so long and i got tired of it people usin me even more. I've also volunteered at the hospital cuz I was pre-med before i dropped out, didn't really feel like i was doin much though...cuz here they are these old white dudes that are unhappy and crabby, and here i am depressed, dont give a shit about them so it shows in my attitude.Like I said, ive done a lot of things that people like you or a therapist suggested, but nothing has been effective. i need to get rid of my memory thats the only way I see outta this. I can take my mind off of it by tryin to relax and all that but it doesnt get rid of my problems and doesnt really help me cope with it. I can't just get over it as much as I would love to and this is something you probably wont understand if youve never been through shit that i have...im not saying im special or anything, I am ashamed of what my life has been like and hope no one goes through it, i feel like ive been targeted by the devil or somethin, definately nothing good.you should read my other posts, I was around your age or a lil younger when my life REALLY started goin down the toilet. if u still feel as though you can give me some advice, Im all ears. thanks