Can't Always Deal...

---

I've actually been wandering around here for the past few days after a search on cutting. I finally decided to join because it seems like I can talk here about my problems without getting ridiculed about what I'm doing to myself, or what I have done to myself.I also feel like it's easier to talk to people you don't know rather than do because you're not getting judged as much.This actually started five years ago in my junior year of high school when I actually learned about cutting, and when I actually came face to face with it when I was told by one of my friends that she was cutting. Unfortunately, I didn't exactly know how to deal with this new piece of information. But fortunately for my friend she did get help.Unfortunately for me, that was when things suddenly took a turn for worse for myself. Things began to fall apart in my life. My best friend turned her back on me and things at home were just getting bad (and they haven't exactly gotten better five years later). Things in general at school weren't exactly great for me. High school basically sucked.One day I just snapped and cut myself. It wasn't major. I did it with a tack. The very next day I talked to one of my friends and the school psychiatrists. And I stopped and didn't do it again. But I still didn't feel right inside.But I honestly believed I wouldn't do it again (but I did). And my sister feared for me because at one point I wasn't really doing well. But I didn't cut again until my forth semester in college (about a year and half ago now). I stopped for a while, but recently it's gotten pretty bad.I've never been able to handle my emotions very well. I don't handle people very well. And I get angry far too easily which doesn't make my life any easier.But my sister moved out in September, but I didn't think it was that bad. Until my grades started to drop, and in the inside I was just not feeling right. And still things at my home got worse.I got my hands on a razor blade, but hesitated many times, until one day I couldn't take all of these emotions and the horrible anger and hatred I was feeling and cut myself.Sad to say, I actually enjoyed the pain because it erased that feeling of ugliness from me. Although for just a little while.I've done this several more times since, but it's really starting to scare me because it's beginning to turn into an addiction. I'm addicted to the pain, any pain. And that truely scares me.I've talked to a couple of people, and it did stop me for a while, but I know it's only a temporary solution.I'm not looking to get rid of the scars. They're my reminders of what I've done. I just don't want to add more. But I'm lost on what to do.Sorry for such a long post, but I really needed to get this out. And this just seemed the best place to do it.

Thanks for coming here, enigmatic. You are in good company.

Hey well one thing u gotta get down is if u r on this site and we make sarcastic remarks or stuff like that its all in fun. We tend to do that to lighten the mood....as all of us have different senses of humor. But i wanted to let u know that so u dont get mad or confused if u come across that. But also i wanted to tell u to not be afraid to tell us nething....problems in life can really affect everything. Like me for example, right now im pissed because i think everyone sux. what i mean by that is i hat ewhen people dont return calls and just seem to ignore u, its like i have no real friend u know? and even my own cousin cant return calls. See im a very responsible person so i will always return calls, hense me hatin people who dont.....wow i totally went ona tagent here. Non the less my point is to show u that all of us have problems that we need to deal with in life and how we go about dealing with them is another story. So even though everyone is so different we are all so similiar in so many ways. So feel free to post netime and i will do my best as will everyone else to help u out, just as we would hope u would do the same for us

I noticed the sarcastic comments. I figured it's all in good form.I do realize it is a way to deal with pain or whatever one is going through. Hey, I joke on myself sometimes.

But thanks for the warm welcome.
I'm hoping this will really help in the end talking to others about my problem.

It always helps to talk, and tho we might have a bit of fun on here sometimes, we do care, and help if we can.......just wanted to say welcome too *hugs*

See this is why we love angel because she can be so nice.....and she gives out free hugs cough amungst other things cough

In reply to:See this is why we love angel because she can be so nice what do you mean CAN be nice laffin I try to always be nice.....to most people.......love you too hon hugs In reply to:and she gives out free hugs cough amungst other things cough I am SURE I don't know what you mean hon

In reply to: what do you mean CAN be nice laffin I try to always be nice.....to most people....... tehehehe In reply to: I am SURE I don't know what you mean hon o ok u dont wanna make neone jealous.....its ok

Thanks for the hug, ~AngelWitch~. ^_^ Unfortunately, I blew and did it again. My problem is I let too many things get to me. And I worry too much about how the world thinks of me. And I do realize I shouldn't. And sometimes I don't let anything get to me, and try to think otherwise. I'm trying to find better ways of dealing with the pain. And I have found something: Painting... and writing, too.I can always say more in my writing then in spoken word, but as of late (because of this writing class I've been taking) I've been so uninspired. And that's killing me. Because I love to write. And I hate being uninspired. The only good thing is that I do have plans for a big painting project. But life is taking over between school and work.And I'll be graduating in May, and that just adds to the weight on my shoulders. I've been in college for the past three years and it's all coming to an end in two and half months. And I fear what I'm going to do after that. Which isn't making things better. And I know I can't work at my local grocery store for the rest of my life. (God help me if that happens!)

Firstly *big hug* calm down a little, that post seemed a bit frantic!
Change, is always hard to cope with, and scary, but things WILL change and worrying about them won't do anything, so why waste your energy. Leaving college/school is a scary time, you wonder if you will continue to have the same friends, the same relationships, and then theres the worry of what to do ie. work etc..........try and relax and enjoy the change, it can and probably will bring some wonderful things......... I find painting and writing helps when I am down, tho I am rarely down or have time to paint these days, but writing, well is a passion of mine, and I so get ya when you say you hate being uninspired - i hate that too!
You really shouldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks of you, and I know thats easy for me to say, but its true. Does it *really* matter if some people don't like you, are you losing out, or is it them? you know what i mean?

I PMed you with a reply to this post.

u have got to replace cutting with another thing that helps u feel better. painting and writing are great!! my bf has a temper but writing or drawing calms his nerves. but i think the biggest stress reliever is crying. when you cry you have so many thing flying through your head and its a way of getting your emotions out. afterward you feel better cuz you expressed them. but thats just me.
crying clenses the soul.

I used to write all of the time, but ever since I started my new writing class I've been so uninspired to do much of any writing. The professor has just killed it for me. But I am trying to get back into it.
Painting does help, but sometimes I feel so down that I can't be bothered.
I've been told by several people that crying does help, and it does. I'm sure all what I need is a big crying session. The few times I have let it out and cried I felt a little better afterwards. I didn't want to cut because my pain had been let out by something else. But there are so many things bothering me lately.
I've been trying my best to not let everything get to me, but it's hard when you don't have anyone to talk to. It definitely helps that I have this forum to come to and talk about my problem and get advice on what to do. It shows me that there are people who do understand what I'm going through and do want to help.
But when you have an alcoholic as a father, and a mother who's oblivious to the world around her, it's really hard to deal with any problems.

Heyim a newb too to this forum and so far everyone has been real nice! u said you used to write and paint, but what sort of things do you put down on paper? I used to write a lot of poems and diaries b/c a girl friend told me it helps if you write it down, but my shrink actually told me that it might not be a good idea if all you write about is how your life sucks cuz thats your mind set, which was my case.it didnt work for me but maybe a group therapy session might be good if you haven't tried yet. This forum is real good to talk to people with same problems but it's different if youre actually face to face, give it a shot if you can. peace

I'm still very amazed at how much the people around here care so much. It's not something I'm used to and it affected me right away. ^_^I mainly paint and write about my feelings. And it does help a lot because I can put into words or paint into picture what I'm feeling. It has been better for me to see what and how I'm feeling rather than just feel it because I didn't know what it looked like. I'm not too much into poetry, but I'm writing a few novels, or at least trying anyway, about the types of things that I've gone through in the past few years.I've been thinking about therapy, and it would probably be a good thing for me in the long term, but right now talking to everyone here has helped me quite a bit already and I'm starting feel a lot better than before I found this place.I've already taken the steps to help solve my problems, and I know if I ever need to talk again, this is the place to go to. ^__^

I am sooo glad you feel that this forum and the people on it are helping - it does help to talk, and there are a few people on here who *genuinely* care....your doing great honey, keep it up *big hugs*