I'd like some advice regarding a situation that face. I'm new to this forum, so I apologize in advance if this is too long, or if it contains anything that is not appropriate.I have been married for over 20 years to a great woman. She is she is a great friend, wife, and mother, with a beautiful face and voluptuous figure that makes her look 10-15 years younger than she is.I am also blessed because she loves sex.(we are monogamous, and within that she loves all kind of variety). She'd love to be intimate with me once a day - when on vacation without the kids, it can be 2-3 times a day. She enjoys wearing sexy clothing to entice me. On those few occaisions when she is too tired, she is the one who gets upset about it - and more than makes up for it when she is rested.My problem - I want to keep up with her, but it is getting tougher as I get older. After sex I feel totally happy, but drained for days. However, if we go more than 2 days without intimacy, she gets concerned. And frankly, I don't want her concerned, I want to keep satisfying her.With pills like viagra, etc. around, they are a temptation. But I am very uncomfortable about putting these things in my body.There is an alternative that I found, but I am not totally comfortable with: viewing erotica or porn. I think it can be very dangerous to get hooked on porn, and it can distort the image one has of woman. The only stuff that would interest me is the amateur porn, depicting older (over 30) real woman with natural bodies, who are involved with a man they know and love.So, when she is sending out signals to have fun, if I don't feel in the mood, if I go and view some of that type of erotica or porn,it stimulates me. And later, I have no problem performing.I have only tried this 4 times, as an experiment.The images really don't stay with me - I don't see any women in them that I'd rather be with instead of my wife. Sometimes they give me ideas - like positions or outfits I'd like to see her dressed in - that I want to try with her. She enjoys when I introduce something new.So I may do this a few times a week - but I can see the danger of becoming dependent on it. I'd really rather not do it at all - but I also don't want to do anything to slow down her sex drive.When we were much younger, I viewed porn regularly, and on occaision, we would watch adult movies together. But she told me that it didn't make her totally comfortable. Neither did I, and stopped. Recently she's implied that my stopping back then helped increase her sex drive - it made her want to be available to me whenever I wanted sex, because she thought I was giving up something and surpressing my own sex drive.So - I'd be interested in your thoughts. Is an occasional view, only for a bit of extra stimulation, acceptable? Or is this starting a slippery slope? Are there other options to consider?Thank you for any advice!niceguy44
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Should I use Porn or Viagra to keep up with wife?
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You need to start have 3somes. Invite another man into your bed and let him fuck her while you are resting. She will get what she wants, and you will love watching her get fucked by someone else.
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Oh yeah. Great suggestion.
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that is the stupidest thing i have ever heard!He and his wife have a fab relationship, why would you suggest bringing someone else into it sigh
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Sorry lovesto, you didn't read my post well. We are monogamous, and our sex drives are for each other, not for anyone else. Having sex with other people is not a turn on for either of us, we have plenty of fun going wild with each other.niceguy44
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lovesto, you ever cease to amaze me.
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I think things like Viagara or Levitra might be drastic. I've very rarely had experience with the balance tilted in the direction it is with you. I do, however find that extra physical excrcise raises my libido even higher.So does porn and erotica, for that matter.Your doctor can probably give you a small sample pack of blue pills to try. From what I gather though, it mostly helps with physical ability rather than desire. Good luck and most important, love each other.
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i suggest you use porn and viagra. Porn to keap things new and fresh and viagra if you need to keap it up.
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Thanks for your thoughtful question. I think the greatest thing that you have going for you is that you and your wife love each other and really want to please each other. That's the greatest tool in your toolbox. As for Viagra, I agree that it might be a bit drastic at this point.I would also say that porn is probably not a good idea either. You indicated that this was upsetting to your wife before. I would imagine it would be the same if she knew you were doing it now. You said you would not become dependent on it, but it sounds like you might already be getting there.Have you considered therapy? A good Marriage and Family Therapist could help. A lot of times problems like this end up not being about physical stuff or sexuality, but about something as simple as communication...how you to communicate about these and other things and what the nature of that communication is. Might be worth looking into.All that being said...your commitment to each other and desire to please each other are to be commended.
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damien, thanks for your reply.We have gone through therapy before in a funny way, it is a humorous reason why I'm in the position I'm in - our marriage hit a rocky point for a couple of years, we didn't communicate, and had actaully started talking about the "D" word. But, we really wanted our marriage to work out, and went to therapy. That's where she revealed that she was supressing some of her sex drive - she wanted to a lot with me, but shyness and family baggage (another long story) made her feel guilty for wanting to have sex so much. She was also afraid she'd drive me crazy - so the therapy worked, almost too well .Part of me doesn't want to tell her to slow down,. because she is so sensitive about it, and feel bad about making demands and retreating back somewhat - I much prefer her the way she is now, even it if is exhausting.But perhaps you're right, using the porn even occaisionally isn't worth it, due to the potential danger. If only we hadn't moved far away from that therapost . Anyway, you've given me more to think about it - thanks!niceguy44
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In reply to:due to the potential dangerDo you think you have an addictive personality? Have actually ever had to deal with a porn addiction?Porn plays a useful part in a lot of couples' relationships. I'm not sure what you're getting at when you speak of "potential danger".
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The danger would be that he can't get aroused without the porn.
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In reply to:if I go and view some of that type of erotica or porn,it stimulates me. And later, I have no problem performingThat sounds a lot better than using Viagra--and healthier for your body, too.In reply to:The images really don't stay with me - I don't see any women in them that I'd rather be with instead of my wife. Sometimes they give me ideas - like positions or outfits I'd like to see her dressed in - that I want to try with her. She enjoys when I introduce something new.That sounds perfectly healthy.In reply to:When we were much younger, I viewed porn regularly, and on occaision, we would watch adult movies together. But she told me that it didn't make her totally comfortable. Neither did I, and stopped. Recently she's implied that my stopping back then helped increase her sex drive - it made her want to be available to me whenever I wanted sex, because she thought I was giving up something and surpressing my own sex drive.It sounds like she has a repulsion to porn, which is unfortunate for you. That your not reading porn increased her sex drive is interesting. The idea of "giving up" things (sacrificing) sounds Calvinistic. If you sacrificed another pleasure, would that further increase her sex drive?In reply to:I'd be interested in your thoughts. Is an occasional view, only for a bit of extra stimulation, acceptable? Or is this starting a slippery slope? Are there other options to consider?Are you concerned with getting obsessively hooked on porn so that it takes over your life like a cocaine addiction, or are you concerned that you will reach the point that you will not be able to perform with your wife without first being stimulated by porn?It sounds like you view porn as a naughty anti-feminist pleasure that makes you feel guilty. It also sounds like your wife is insecure about it; as if she alone is not good enough.It's just a reality that after people have been together for a number of years, their sexual attraction usually (yes, I mean usually) diminishes. There's a biological basis for that, which I won't bore you with. Couples need to work together to keep the physical relationship interesting. In the "relationships" (i.e., sex) area of your favorite book store, there are books that contain lots of good ideas for keeping it fresh. You ought to do some reading before you even think of using Viagra.
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Steve I have to disagree with you on this (Oh no! Alert the media! ) In reply to: The idea of "giving up" things (sacrificing) sounds Calvinistic. Do you honestly believe that giving up something you don't need for the one you love is Calvinistic? Or maybe you should explain what you mean by Calvinistic. You need to understand that there are other valid reasons for abstaining from porn than addiction. You may not agree with them, but you can't discount those reasons just because you project moral baggage onto them.Or am I completely misunderstanding you?
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The question is, is the original poster concerned about becoming addicted (in the sense that it affects his life in general), or is he afraid that he'll develop the need to use pornography as a crutch in order to have satisfactory sexual relations with another person? It's not clear to me exactly what he meant.He said he thought it would be "very dangerous" to get hooked on porn. That statement, in the passive voice, is ambiguous as applied to the writer. People can get addicted to all kinds of things, but it is possible to use porn in a useful way.In reply to: Recently she's implied that my stopping back then helped increase her sex drive - it made her want to be available to me whenever I wanted sex, because she thought I was giving up something and surpressing my own sex drive.It appears that the wife feels insecure and not good enough if her husband looks other than toward her for sexual stimulation. She's putting an unrealistic burden on him, and needs to learn to deal with the reality of relationships.The original poster didn't actually use the word "sacrifice", and didn't directly talk about moral issues, so "Calvinistic" may not have been the best choice of words...but there is talk of self-denial. (Self-denial and hard work for the glorification of God is central to Calvinism.) Would "Victorian" be more appropriate?
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Self-denial is the basis of asceticism, which is a lot broader than Calvinism (or the 19th century), SteveA. The anchorites weren't Calvinist or Victorian; nor are Buddhist ascetics. I wonder if you are confusing asceticism with Puritanism. Ascetics make a choice for themselves, but the view of Puritans encompasses a whole society.Self-denial to you seems pointless - but the fact that many people have chosen it should alert you that you may not understand it.
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In reply to:Self-denial to you seems pointless - but the fact that many people have chosen it should alert you that you may not understand it.So people believe in crazy pointless things because I don't understand it. If only I could understand things like sacrificing virgins, believing in imaginary Gods, denying oneself a potentially therapeutic pleasure because my partner thinks I should make the sacrifice... If only I could understand.Perhaps you are in accord with Paul, who says in Corinthians, "A man who thinks that nothing is more important than the satisfaction of the sex urge cannot understand the meaning of chastity; a man who ranks the amassing of material things as the supreme end of life cannot understand generosity; and a man who has never a thought beyond this world cannot understand the things of God. To him they look mere foolishness."And a man who does not shoot himself in the head does not understand what it feels like to have a bullet in his brain. I don't undertand why a man would want to understand what it feels like to have a bullet in his brain.I don't know the nationality of niceguy44, but I doubt that he dwells in an ashram. Since he writes well, I would suspect he's U.K.-ish or Scandinavian, but his spelling leads me to think he's North American. If he's U.S.A.-ish, he'd be a rare individual indeed if he's truly ascetic. In our country, even with it's deep Calvinistic roots, there are few true ascetics. Most would-be ascetics are more interested in telling other people what they can't do, rather than depriving themselves of things that they would like to do. In any case, given that niceguy44 is interested in having a fulfilling sex life for himself and his wife, I would not imagine him to be an anchorite or a stylite (the risk of falling during an "act" would be a great deterrent), nor even a Puritan. I dare say that no Puritan would be caught browsing a site that delves into such subjects as self-sucking.But the bottom line is that the original poster is trying to iron out a metaphorical wrinkle in his relationship, and there seems to be something that helps his situation, to wit, pornography. This something, though, is fraught with a lot of baggage, both emotional and anti-ascetic, and may or may not be appropriate to his situation.
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Surely you're not equating abstaining from pornography with having a bullet in the brain...
blah blah blah
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"Like a bullet to the brain." -- Ricky MartinYes, in the sense that a baseball that is launched into the air goes up just as a space shuttle that is launched into the air goes up. It's a qualitative thing, not quantitative.x: You don't understand asceticism because you haven't experienced it.y: I don't understand other bad things even though I haven't experienced them.implication: Just because I haven't experienced something and might not understand it doesn't make that thing necessarily desirable.
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I trust you're not equating me with x, Steve? I didn't suggest (or mean to suggest) that the problem was that you hadn't experienced asceticism. One can understand something, at least partially, without experience, by observing and reflecting on the experiences of others, and on related experiences one has had. You understand enough not to want to experience a bullet in the brain yourself - but you probably also understand, to some degree, why some people do choose that. Now if you could reach that level of understanding concerning asceticism, you might find it helpful, just as it is helpful to understand why some people want to kill themselves; or why they enjoy music, or what they see in art, or why they like seeing scary movies, or other matters of life that are not obvious.
But I agree, none of this is helping the original poster much. I think it's a matter for his own judgement and conscience. I'd also point out that if the genders were reversed, and the man were hornier than the woman, he would be advised by many not to expect more than his wife was willing to give - and I think the wife should be prepared to accept that advice in this case . . . if only we could give it.